Find and Found

2010-05-03T12:34:00.000+08:00

Trust vs Mistrust.

Well,
it doesn't just apply for young children..
Even us, adults.
Do we trust,
or do we doubt?

I learn to observe..
I realised the mistrust that we have towards others many a times is so...
uncalled for..

Why must we doubt the ones we love?
Why must we doubt the good in man?
Why must we doubt till the point we no longer SIMPLY trust?
Where had all the initial "I trust you" gone?

Okay.
Maybe I'm just getting a lil worked up.
Pardon me.

I have experienced it in my own life.
I had trusted in him and he in me.
Yet,
I chose to unravel something that ain't necessary at all..
I..I got upset and jealous of something that was bygone..
I want to know it,
yet I didn't and couldn't accept it..
Thus,
I gave up my trust in him,
guess it cost him his too.

I learnt the lesson which jere says,
"I'm not on a need-to-know basis"
I really had no need back then..

God has taught me something out of this episode.
I can say that I trust man,
but man can fail me..
Likewise,
I'm errable.
I'm imperfect.

God says,
"I am perfect. Trust in Me."
So I learnt it the real hard way,
I don't simply say I trust man,
because I know it's hard..
It's hard for me to trust me too..
So I really know..

Please don't trust in me.
Please trust me in God.
Only God can uphold this promise that I made to you.
It stands till this very day and still will.
I choose to trust God..
And I pray that when the day comes,
I can hear whatever that you wanna say.

Please know..
I love you,
regardless.

[I trust you in God.]

Counting down: 4 Months and 11 Days

But.. I love her.

2010-04-14T18:13:00.001+08:00

I was walking towards the station..
Praying as I walked,
Taking in the morning air that wasn't so clear and crisp today.
I saw a girl with her mom and sibling.
A bicycle was coming their way.

Now that I'm a cyclist,
I truly know how they feel when others are inconsiderate towards them.

The cyclist didn't ring the bell as they could have seen him coming their way.
Yet, this girl was oblivious to the cyclist coming towards her.
Finally,
he rang the bell.
She leaned towards her mom and out of the cyclist's way,
and went, "Whoa whoa whoa" and chuckled as the cyclist passed her.

I was quite angry at her being so inconsiderate.
So in my mind it went like this,

Id: Gosh, why can't she be more considerate?
Why is she being so irritating?
Oh, why is she like that..
This kind of people should...
Super-ego: Joc, ya know you cannot think her to be so bad..
Id: I know, But....
God: But.. I love her.

I was baffled that I had such a mental conversation all by myself.
Wondering what 'Id' and 'Super-ego' is?
Well, to put it simply,
'Id' is like the lil red devil that speaks to you.
'Super-ego' is like the lil white angel that speaks to you.
Just something I learnt through my tons of lecture.

So God intervened and showed me that He loves her.
Just as I thought that way about her,
and many a times, other people as well,
He showed me that He loves them just the same.

What was assuring was the part where I thought,
"what if others are also thinking such stuff about me too?"
God assures that He would respond the same to others too...
"But.. I love her."

Counting: 5 Months and 1 Day

2010-03-27T01:40:00.001+08:00

It was a night we three shared 2 days back.
It was a night exclusively ours.
The place,
the moments,
the recollection,
the nostalgia.
No one could have taken that from us.

Floyd, Titus and me went on board the,
once Doulos,
now Doulos Phos.
It means Servant Light.
It's exclusively ours because we were the FIRST ex-douloids,
guests, visitors to be on board Doulos Phos.

We took a walk down memory lane,
recollecting everything that we've done,
at different parts of the ship.
It was pure nostalgia.
We met the remaining people on board,
it wasn't hard,
there was just three of them.

The ship looked nothing like before.
Quiet as a ghost ship,
room doors ajar,
absence of electricity in many parts of the ship,
lights off,
air condition off.
This was once Doulos,
and Doulos Phos to be.

We roamed the ship,
reminisced every part we could.
Breathe in the scent that lingers in the ship.
We're happy, yet filled with mixed feelings that the ship's staying.
I thank God nonetheless,
that the ship ain't gonna be scrapped.

What's more,
we lost the master key while roaming the ship.
We had to go on a search,
back tracking our every movement,
thank God,
we found it.
It was an exciting adventure.

I'm thankful for all the memories that I've had on the ship.
Irreplaceable,
Irrevocable.
I miss every bit of it,
but I know one thing -
people whom I'm missing,
even if I don't get to see them now,
I know I'll see them in heaven when we've pressed on and finished the race.

Thanks Floyd and Titus for the great night.
Unforgettable.
I thank God for what we've shared.
The crazy moments where we wore our masks,
the trail through dark and humid cabins,
the chicken cutlet rice moment,
the fun deck where we took time to reminisce,
the car deck nostalgia,
the trip down memory lane,
the risk takers who never fail to play risk when we meet,
the fellowship we've had is simply awesome.

I saw you today.
It was amazing how where I stood,
it was there where you crossed my path.
I nearly went away to hide,
but I knew facing you was the better choice.
I had wanted to embrace you,
I had wanted to tell you things that I couldn't bring myself to say before,
and I know I really miss you a lot.
My indifference was just a facade.
When you had turned to walk away,
I wished I had asked you to stay for a while.
When your back was all that I see,
my heart pounded really fast,
my mind went blank,
and I told myself, "Wait."

Counting down: 5 Months and 19 Days

2010-03-23T01:11:00.004+08:00

School has started,

yet I've raised my voice once again.
How I wish I could love the kids more.
Scream less, Encourage more.
God,
create in me the spirit of encouragement.

On a lighter note,
God's been great.
He protected me while I ride to work.
I nearly fell off my bicycle today,
but He was there to hold me.

I've gotten my piano.
Sweet thing.
Gonna use it to glorify God wherever I can.
So bear with me,
while I practise and practise some more.

Bing shared a dream she had.
A dream that's so sweet, so fantastical.
I wished it would be reality.
Well,
if God allows.

I've shared the dream.
I wonder what is gonna happen.
I wish I could simply hear whatever that's going on in your heart.
Regardless,
I will keep and I still am waiting.

Counting: 5 Months and 23 Days

2010-03-16T01:51:00.003+08:00

I contemplated for an hour or so.
Seeing that the sun came from behind dark clouds,
I set off.

I rode Jireh for almost an hour before I arrived..
It wouldn't be the most beautiful place on earth,
but it wasn't the venue that mattered.
It was the time I spent there with the Almighty One.
It was as though I took a walk by the beach with Him.

I felt the heat from the sun rays.
I felt the cool sea breeze on my face.
I felt the moist of the sand and the sea.
I felt calm.

When I didn't give up,
I found them.
I found beautiful shells.
There was one that looked like angels' wings.

Great was the journey and my walk alone.
I guess I might go often.
Great to head there and hang around,
to spend time with the Maker of the sun and the sea.
To allow thoughts to settle.
To allow myself an escape from my crowd lil area.

I realised I relate the sea to serenity.
It gives that peace,
I wonder..
Guess I miss the life I once spent on the very waters that covers this earth.
Well,
I love the seas over land.

Counting: 5 Months and 30 Days

2010-03-14T01:26:00.000+08:00

[It's an honour to die by your side..]
[It's an honour to have lived by yours..]
Always been very inspiring..
I love watching war and battlefields movies..
The Valour of Men,
God has made them that way.

We celebrated Ronald and Fay's Matrimony in the afternoon.
There were moments that I was touched to the brink of tears..
It's a real blessing to see two persons unite as one,
in the name of God.
They are truly blessed.

[Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love
but to be genuinely loved by another,
to know a love that grows out of reason and choice,
not instinct.

Rational, volitional(made by choice) love...
is the kind of love to which
the sages have always called us. - The five love languages]

Current read - The five love languages
Though I'm at the beginning pages..
I feel like it's a good beginning to many things unknown yet to me.

It took me almost 3 years,
to see that to love someone..unconditionally..
really ain't easy..
And it takes a conscious choice..
One that I would need to choose willingly.

I've let go once,
just because I didn't feel the euphoria that I once thought
should come with 'falling in love'...
Falling in love is just the introduction..
Choosing to love regardless of the euphoria are the chapters that follows..
'The End' shall not be written by our very pens,
but by God's..

I've let go once,
it was one of dumbest choice I realised I've made..
God gave me a heart,
that not only starts loving,
but keeps loving..

It ain't "I love you because..", or "I love you if.."
It's "I love you regardless.."

I love you regardless of your burps and farts.
I love you regardless of your weird idiosyncrasies.
I love you regardless of your looks, size or weight.
I love you regardless of your background.
I love you regardless of anything..
I love you for who you are and who I was when I was with you.
I still do.

God fills my emotional tank,
in order for me to love you wholeheartedly.
And all that I am doing now,
is wait upon the Lord and wait for you.

Counting down: 6 Months and 1 Day.

Counting and still Counting

2010-03-12T00:56:00.004+08:00

Today was a blessed evening.

I had like stomach flu and had the runs since morning,
but I thank God by evening,
I was at least good to go..

Dinner with Bee, Corny, Aaron, Wes,
and two scammers - Kevin and Kenson.
Had tons of laughters,
and I feel blessed that I got to know the boys better.

God,
You see my heart..
The deepest heart's desire..
I'm counting down to the Day.
The Day where a lot of things will change.
I will wait..just as I wait upon You.

Well,
my eyes are feeling the strain and I'm gonna hit the bed soon..
Oh yes, God,
thank you for Kevin.
HAHA.
He has entertained me for tonight.
He made me smiled and laughed.
I thank You for him and Hubert who's coming back soon.

Counting down: 6 Months and 3 Days

Thank God

2010-03-10T19:42:00.003+08:00

Thank God for His grace.
Thank God for loving me despite my inadequacies.
Thank God for giving me good gifts.
Thank God He answers prayers.
I simply thank God.

Today,
I received news.
News that my school fees has been paid for.
I do not have to fork out a single cent.
It was something that brought much comfort to me and my mom.
God indeed is Jehovah Jireh.

What's more,
God sent the rain today.
The plants and flowers are rejoicing.
I woke up and the first thing I did was pray.
"Thank God for the rain."

I've grown a lot,
learnt a lot.
Through the year, there has been much changes,
yet I choose to give thanks in the midst of troubled times.

I choose to revive this blog to share of God's faithfulness in my life.
I need to share of His goodness, that people may see and believe.

For all that happened,
I thank God.

2009-03-05T01:43:00.000+08:00

I saw a white envelope through the window.

I dismissed it as another promotional/notificational letter.

I stepped in as usual,

I took the envelope and flipped it over.

On it was the logo.

My heart started thumping really fast.

I ripped it open.

I tore the envelope away and fumbled to unravel the contents inside.

I opened it up with thoughts running through my mind...

[We are sorry to inform you......]

Yet, this was what I saw..

Gosh...

A smile just spreaded across my face,

and I can't even remember how many rounds I spinned across the living room.

I pushed the letter into mummy's hands and asked her to read.

She said she couldn't..

haha.

[due to her long sighted-ness and poor english]

I gladly read to her.

I was superbly happy.

I guess no one would wana go through what I went through to get in.

I'll share of the goodness of God to you guys someday.

Yes and Amen!

Not only that,

today,

I had my first customer for my amway business.

It's really amazing.

God has been helping me bit by bit.

Even when I was unwilling,

He encouraged my weary heart.

I'm more comforted that I'm not alone at all in this.

Plus ++++++++

I can go Batam!!!!

HAHA.

Okay, here's why I'm also happy.

I usually don't tell mummy that I'm going overseas.

I usually wait till everyone in the group is confirmed going and we've booked and all,

then I'll tell her.

Well,

same for the Batam trip,

which is just 3 days away only.

I just told her after I received my letter.

Joc: Mummy, friday wen bing's coming over to stay hor..

*anticipates*

Mummy: Why eh?

Joc: Well, because we are going out the next day tog.

*silence*

Joc: Er...we're going to batam...

Mummy: Oh, Batam dangerous ar...

[So soft and she heard me....]

Joc: *immediately* ER... we've got 3 guys with us!!!

3 guys who are NS-MEN!!! *flexed my arm muscles*

Mummy: Dangerous ar...

Joc: We'll pray before we go!!!

Mummy:.........

silent means consent.

Yayness.

Even though I'm 21,

I'm still mummy's lil girl!!!

Happy means happy!

So much to thank God for today.

I simply grateful that He never leaves nor forsakes me.

He's gotta love me that much to be here for me.

I'll smile in my dreams tonight.

2009-02-21T14:58:00.002+08:00

21 years of breath.
21 years of health.
21 years of joy.
21 years of sadness.
21 years of ups.
21 years of downs.
21 years of smiles.
21 years of cries.
21 years of thanksgiving.
21 years of everything under the hands of God.

Ask me if I'm happy today...
I am.
All for one reason,
that I am alive and well today because of God.

To my dearest friends,
I'm thankful for today.
I'm thankful I've known you and our paths met.
I'm thankful to be healthy and well.

I've wishes today.
I've wished them to God,
praying all will come to pass.

Psalm 139:4

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

Well, to me,
this psalm holds much meaning for me throughout my growing years.

I'm happy today,
because I'm 21 today.
=)

2008-12-21T16:35:00.000+08:00

It has been a good week.
Lydia has started working at NYDC too.
Everyone seemed really curious about her.
Well,
God has been faithful.
I've been well and all.

I'm thankful fo the people at work.
There's izhar who has made me laughed real hard.
There's tung who's fierce on the outside,
but really soft and nice on the inside.
(a soft toy it seems...)
There's shen who's a half indian, half a..
There's xun who's not a tad taller, but 2 heads taller.
There's ah kong who always smile and calls me "Loi Yan"
(woman in canto.)
There's william who loves bearing his big white belly. =D
There's clamhead who loves bullying me.
There's vincent who's really blur.
There's prila who's always here.

I'm having mental battles regarding alot of things.
Well,
i'm thankful there's always VJBEE around.
They make me feel that I'm never alone.

Ben always gives me an assuring hug when I come to work.
Vel always cheers me up with her smile.
Ng always calls me when her tummy calls out.
Chuah always assure me when something just don't go right.

They're really important to me.
I'm thankful Christmas's here again.
So blessed to spend so many Christmases with them.
Christmas - Christ, My Awesome Saviour.
To God am I thankful.

Well,
there are some misses here and there.
It's been long since I've seen some people.
I miss jus and sean.
the NYDC gang.

I dreamt of you again.
Hmm...

[Though time blurs our vision,
it opens the window of our heart. -Goong]

2008-12-16T15:21:00.000+08:00

It was a heart wrenching meeting yesterday.
What I saw was a father's humble plea for people to help.
His heart was broken.
He laid down his pride.
He humbled himeself.
He has cried days for her.
He was going all out to win his daughter's heart back.

But his daughter was still stuck in her cinderella story.
Thinking that there will be a happily ever after.

All I can do now is to pray.
For restoration.
For her eyes to be open to see..
her father's love for her.

As I told him, "It's been hard on you."
Tears inevitably welled up in my eyes.
My face muscles cringed.
My heart softened.

It seemed like then and there,
I was walking down my very own memory lane.
It's been hard too..
on my father.

As he shared his heart out,
I felt he resembled my dad.

Who was there to pick me up when I fall?
My dad.
Who was there to stand up for me?
My dad.
Who was the one who solved my problems when i ran into them?
My dad.
Who laid down his pride just so I can keep mine?
My dad.

My daddy loves me.
My Father in heaven loves me too.
I am a blessed child.

2008-12-12T03:59:00.000+08:00

I feel bad...
Because I was away from my blog for so long...
But....
I'M BACK!

Busy itinery.
Work.
Visit to Doulos.
Taiwanese Dramas.
My family.
My friends.
Life's simple pleasures.

I've finally finished one of the thousands of Taiwanese dramas.
It's the 2nd Taiwanese drama that I stay up late to finish.
Miss No Good's its title.
Most known it as Campus Shrewd.
The female lead, Xiao Hua, has taught me very beautiful things.
The greatest thing I've learnt,
is to be happy.

She was insulted by the famous stylist, Tang Men, in the fashion world.
She was deemed as an "Idiotic Christmas Tree".
Yet she could smile and be happy through it all.

The other girl, elegant and pretty, was jealous of her.
Because both Tang Men and the guy she likes - Jia Si Le,
fell in love with Xiao Hua.

She was lamenting and crying out to Tang Men,
"Why an ordinary girl like her can be so confident?"
Tang Men simply answered,
"It's not that she's confident of herself,
It's just that she doesn't hate herself."

Powerful.
Most of us dislike more than 1/2 of how we are.

Flabby Arms.
Muffin Hips.
Chubby Cheeks.
Chunky Calves.
My inadequacies it is.

Well,
the drama reminded me of clamhead.
Whenever I laugh at his double chin,
or commented that he seemed er..fat-ter,
he'll say, "I don't care!"
It's like my opinion does not affect who he is.
He is who he is.
It's like clamhead's happy the way he is.

Well,
Joc ain't gona care how I look either.
I'm gona take care of myself.
However way I would turn out,
I won't hate it.
I would be happy.

I would also want to learn to be happy.
Day in day out.
No point dwelling on things that just simply bring me to tears.
One way to be happy is to appreciate the people around me.

I miss God.
I miss how I was this close to Him.
*puts thumb and index finger together*
Things has got to change.
God has been around.
I need to notice His presence and not pretend that I don't see Him anymore.

I saw Doulos last week.
Couldn't have been more nostalgic.
Honestly,
I had wished I'd sailed with them.
Sailed with the purpose of helping the needy.
I miss the days when I had dial 9s,
never limped up and down the gangway,
walked through and through the ship to clean aircon filters,
played underground church,
huddled in my comfy 211 cabin,
had 'xiao qiangs' running across my face as I was asleep,
puked 7 times in one voyage,
rejoiced over people receiving Jesus Christ into their lives,
smiled and marvelled at the wonders of God,
hugged the kids, Nooa, Jaz, Sophia, Caitlyn, Daniel,
hanged out at the fun deck with Abby and Sarah,
enjoyed crazy moments with the Batangas Steppers,
ran out of the ship just half an hour before curfew time with Di to buy taiwan noodles for the last time before we left Kao Shiung,
had Hot Gigantic Yam milk tea in Taiwan,
shared the love of God to people I've never met,
witnessed countless miracles,
(on board, you'll see miracles everyday.)
experienced the life in an engine room,
sailed with over 300 brothers and sisters from 40 over countries,
stood at the bow of the ship taking in the view,
was in charge of altering the speed of the ship as we manouvered into Kao Shiung,
had the special privilege to be on board God's ship.
This list goes on.

How thankful am I?
*stretches out my arms*
This thankful.

God,
for You alone I'll live.

[It's easy to say I want to die for Christ,
but it ain't easy to say I want to live for Christ.]

2008-12-01T13:19:00.001+08:00

HAHA.
My deepest apologies for a stale blog.

Well,
life's been a whole lot laughters and crap.
Good thing,
God's been around.

Well,
I'm very thankful for good things in life.
First up!
Bing has been lovingly attached to jere!
08/11/08
2323 hours

Fio has been happily attached for say..
4 months and 4 days now..

God has been faithful to my girlies.
I can't be thankful enough.
Nothing I want more for the both of you than for you to be happy.

I met Jas 2 weeks ago.
I met Ian 2 days ago.
Loads of misses.
Loads of laughters.
Stories of the army days.
I look forward to jas, kha, and ian's pop day!
I'm simply thankful that my brothers have been well.
God has been so good to me.

VJBEE.
I miss them.
They're my family, really.
We lived, studied, played, laughed, cried, hugged,
ALTOGETHER.
Saying I love and miss them has been my daily routine.

Work...
Hmm...
I'm pretty lost about what I should decide..
To stay or to move on..
I don't feel at home any longer..
On sat was one happy and sad day altogether.
Happy because clamhead was around to make me laugh.
Sad because things at work aren't just good anymore.
I miss the old days..
I really do..

Well,
life's been colourful for me.
It's everchanging.
However,
I'm thankful that God is neverchanging.

I'm really excited.
I'm gona see sarah and abby in a while.
Gona visit our home again.
I miss them so much.
Ciao for now...

2008-11-19T02:16:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the staleness of my blog..
HAHA.
Been out of town and busy.
Well, will have more frequent updates though.

Today was a happy shift working with fio.
Ultimately fun whenever i'm with her.
We were laughing and having so much fun throughout the whole shift.
I thank God she was around.

Fio: Joc, i cook green bean soup for you one day.
Me: Yeek..i don't want.. i don't like green bean soup.
Fio: Orh..then i cook red bean..
Me: No!! I don't like all the bean bean soup..
Fio: Oh..no wonder...beans make you grow tall...
Me: (exasperated!!) no lor!!! I...I drink lots of milk!!
Fio: Joc ar... (controlling her laughter) Milk ar..strengthens bones, don't lengthen them..
She trails off and LOL!

Yah..
so you can expect the butt spanking all around nydc.
It was so fun simply sharing and working and supporting each other. =)
I felt blessed.

As with bing,
God has always been faithful.
We had a great dinner,
a wonderful time to share our hearts.
I thank God.

All i pray for is a wonderful day to look forward to this weekend. =)

2008-10-29T02:48:00.002+08:00

The song's nice.
It's been played 5,999 times.
I'm the 6000th person,
or at least I'm the 6000th that the song has sung over.

Tired,
yet not asleep.
Wondering if it's the imminent jab any moment now..

I miss how things have been,
even though nothing will be the same again.

I hate changes.

2008-10-21T03:55:00.000+08:00

This will be a quick one.
Look at the time.
I'm typing this at 3.30am!!!!
What ghastly hour!!!
Okay, maybe it ain't as ghastly as the other entries..
It felt bad because....
As I spent 1 hour and 15 minutes,
half searching and half cleaning my dump(which is my room actually),
I had to go around the world(well, just my tiny 4-wall room again)looking for this:

Can't see what it really is?
Look below.

My "DREADED" jab has come back haunt me..
It's tomorrow. =S
I mean later..in about 12 hours time.
I'm so afraid.
But I'm thankful,
everytime when I go for a jab,
I'm never alone.
Back then,
when I had to go for jabS, not just 1 jab,
for mission trip,
I had a mob of friends with me.
Seeing that I dreaded the needle so much,
they made me go first.
Just so that I won't see on their faces how painful it'll feel...

The jab that nearly sent me to tears was tetanus.
That jab IS the most painful jab.
I'll tell you another time about the jab incident.

Thank God,
later there's clamhead.
If not,
I wouldn't know how I'm gona survive the jab.
Well,
I hope he won't be as afraid as I am..
HAHA.

Okay.
I better head off to lalaland,
before more fatigue kicks in and I can't work tomorrow.

Heading to JB tomorrow.
I pray for safety,
for good weather,
for good company,
in Jesus's name I pray,
Amen.

2008-10-20T03:28:00.001+08:00

I apologise for the late post.
Had wanted to post it all up the other day,
however lalaland's beckoning was ever so strong...
Oh well..

Well,
the night was filled with laughters beyond measures.
Hanging out with part of the VJBEE is amazing.
Contemplated on places to eat with ng and chuah,
and we ended up at crystal jade.
(Mind you, we didn't eat up to 100 over bucks!!)
La Mian Xiao Long Bao Crystal Jade it was.

As we made our way to Taka,
chuah and i locked our hands as we walked.
Ng came and locked hands with chuah.
After, say, 5 minutes,
Ng commented, "walking like this(hand in hand), i feel very out of place."
I said, "you were never part of us."
Chuah, "*laughs* yah lor.."
Ng: Do re mi ar?
Me: What Do re mi? It's Do Mi Mi.
*Laughs*
Ng:(turn to chuah) She turn around and shoot you ar..
Me:(defending) no what..it's a fact..
Ng: then it's Do Do Fa.
Me: Fine, Do Do Fa lor.

At the escalator,
chuah and i walked towards the escalator,
ng went somewhere far from us..
she lives up to her name, Fa.
We finally reached crystal jade.
Sat down and looked through the menu.
The waitress came up to us and spoke in mandarin,
"Yao He Xie She Me?"
Chuah was flipping around and asked where..
I told her, "It's behind."
Chuah immediately turned around in her seat to look for the drinks.
Ng and I can't help but burst in fits of laughters.
"Chuah!! It's behind. At the back of the menu."
Blur her turn the menu around and still didn't see the drinks menu.
I flipped to the last page for her and pointed,
"THERE!!"
I looked at the waitress and I saw her trying to hide her laughs too.
So I was kind enough to tell her to come back in a while,
while I was still in my fits of laughters.
Super funny!!
She lived up to her name, Do Do.
HAHAHA.

Well,
caught up with ben and we got a hitch from ng,
as she desperately wanted to head home in a cab..
So not so happily,
we all got up a cab finally after a long time,
complaining how some taxi drivers are so greedy for money,
that they choose who to pick and what time to pick,
forgetting that the taxi uncle was also inside the cab.
OOPS!!

So Ng was the next culprit who set us off on our next laughing spree.
She was talking about her council and all.
I bet you guys know this phrase, "Talk to my hand."
Well, imagine that in Hokkien..
(I'd tried my best for the hanyu pinyin,
don't scorn it..
afterall,
it ain't hanyu!!!)

Ng:(holds out her hand) Ga wa ay qiu gong wae.
*Laughs*
Chuah:(holds out her hand)Ga wa ay qiu gong wae,
(brings her hand to her ear)
dan zei, wa ay qiu ai ga wa gong wae.
*Burst of laughters*
Ng: Ga wa ay qiu gong wae,
dan zei, wa ay qiu ai ga wa gong wae.
lei you gong si mi?
Uh huh..Uh huh..
dan zei, wa ay qiu ai ga lei gong wae.
*Explosion of laughters*

The poor cab driver must be speeding at 120km/h,
not to send us home as soon as possible,
but to rid of us as soon as possible.
HAHAH.
Told you they make me laugh loads.
Crazy bunch of dearies.
I just wish vel could join us..
I miss my godson's mummy!!!
Well,
worry not my love,
we'll meet for sure ya?

Our friendship has seen us through good times and bad..
Nonetheless,
I thank God for them.
As I reminisce about how everything could be so amazingly arranged,
I can't help but be so thankful.
We're so close that we'll always utter,
"Haiyo...it's not as though you don't know they're like this.."
Just as I've made my promise to fio and bing,
I'm making the same one for these dearies.
That I lay my life down for them.
Only God knows how much I love them.

I suddenly remember a promise that clamhead made.
"I'll stay(at NYDC) at least until you've started school..."
I was very touched when I saw that.
Honest.
A simple promise like this,
sent me up to the moon.
I was assured of his presence,
even though I don't get to see him alot in a week.
Clamhead's my favourite clam,
well that's probably because he's the only one!
=)

Life's been generally good.
God's amazingly here.
Even when I've gotten the rotten-est customers,
I thank God that He's a God of forgiveness,
that's why I forgive them.
If not for the reputation of NYDC or eXplorerkid,
if not for the namesake of God,
I would have shoot them back in their words.
I can get angry,
but I cannot sin in my anger.
And I thank God He was there to prevent me from hurling bullets up their nostrils.
God said in His words, "Revenge is mine."
I don't have to fight against such people,
God knows and He remembers.
He'll deal with them.
However,
God has forgiven them in their sins.
As long as they believe.

God has forgiven such a sinner like me,
who else can I not forgive.
Just as I stand forgiven,
I'll forgive.

2008-10-16T02:28:00.000+08:00

Exhausted and Burnt out!

Well,
imagine I had slept at 5 odd AM the previous night,
maybe today's dawn,
and this morning at 9 odd AM,
the drills went on and on and on and on.......
I guessed I had cursed them in my sleep,
no recollection though.
Don't wish to have any either.
Ng told me,
"Might as well print your sleeping schedule and put it on their door,
then they'll see when to work.."
*LAUGHS*

Glad to see chin gu today.
Ng's impression of her has changed.
I'm so happy.
God,
You restore broken relationships.
I thank You yet again.

Read his blog.
Like why wasn't I surprised by all that I've read.
Underneath that tough shell,
is the tenderness that I believed existed since the day I knew him.

Glad I've finished Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
Indeed not up to mark, nor as impactful.
However,
I'm glad I've caught it.
It's like a strike off of the 10,001 things on joc's TO-DO List.

I'm tired.
Crashing now.
I'll post up the laughters that ben, chuah, ng and i shared tomorrow.
FUNNY means FUNNY.
I love them to bits!!

RX,
I'm looking forward.
I might appear strong and steady then,
but please understand,
I am equally shy.
*oops*
Did I just say I am shy?
Oh shoots.
Dain.
So what?
I'm human afterall.
=)

[Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalms 37:4]

Annyong hi chumuseyo.
Good night.

2008-10-15T05:07:00.003+08:00

I ripped this off kha's blog.

(hope you don't mind it aye?)

I had an amazing time today.

Work at eXplorerkid as usual.

Had some laughters and frowns,

but all in all,

people were gracious.

They were concerned.

They asked after me.

Even a simple "Would you want anything?" cheered me up.

Over the days,

I kept thinking of ways to quit and resign,

but it gets harder and harder each day.

Uma: "Do you like kids?"

Debbie: "How's everything here?"

Irene: "Well, you can stay till March..."

Jennifer: "I really need you to help with this and that..."

Haema: "Thanks for being around to help cover my shift.."

Haema's my colleague who has gotten HFM disease.

My answer...
*smiles* and *nods*

People were really concerned.

I felt my existence in a place,

where I thought only superficiality existed.

I'm thankful I've gotten a chance to work there.

Honest.

However,

between NYDC and eXplorerkid,

I've made my choice.

A hard one that I've contemplated.

I hate it when I have to make such decisions..

Well,

changes are inevitable.

I've got to learn it.

After work was what I was looking forward to...

I met my dearest Eileens.

An old meeting place.

A hong kong cafe.

Same food, different seats.

Whatever that I was feeling,

melted away at the sight of the girls.

A broad smile just wiped my quivering lips away.

The tears that failed to fall became a glint in my eyes.

We were so comfortable with each other,

I felt like we are a family.

After knowing them for so long,

I know their idiosyncrasies.

When I read the order sheet,

"No spring onions!!"

I laughed.

So ya,

I joined them for once,

no spring onions.

When our noodles came,

(they came one set at a time)

(a set: a plate of noodles and a bowl of soup)

A waiter brought the first set with spring onions,

both on the noodles and in the soup..

Ng kicked up a fuss.

She muttered above her breath,

"Wha...I wrote NO SPRING ONIONS LOR!!!"

Chuah smiled and said,

"Well, maybe they don't understand english.."

Ng, "See I told you....We should have written "CONG" "

I looked at my sweeties and laughed.

Well as always,

I became the "CONG" dumping ground.

I uttered,

"Well, how do you write "CONG"..?"

Ng and I almost uttered together..

but I realised I made a mistake..

Ng: The "cao zi tou"....

Me: The "cai zi tou"....

*LAUGHS*

Well,

the night was short,

but nonetheless,

a great time for reminiscing and catching up.

Chuah's celebrating her 2nd month today.

I offered her all my smiles,

and from the deepest of my heart,

I'm so happy for her.

I was the only one who guessed that she got hitched.

Telepathy it seemed.

She had her ups and downs...

She bared her heart,

I was there when she had to struggle..

She offered to be here when I'm struggling..

Tears welled up in my eyes when I saw her sms.

Though we don't meet up weekly,

we share a closeness that even I can't put a finger to it..

Chuah's like...like my Silent Guardian.

=)

Ng..

HAHA..

My apologies..

She's the stark contrast of chuah.

Not only physically, but her character.

Ng's the one that I quarrelled the most with.

So big was one of our fights,

the VJBEE's status was shaken.

And everyone tried to bring us back tog again.

Crappy and a Dreamer she is..

but she shares in my thoughts and life.

She asks after me..

She's eager to share her life.

We never ran out of things to laugh about.

Ng's like...like my "Kai Xin Guo"

=)

Sadly,

Ben ben couldn't join us..

But I was very touched through our conversation.

Ben ben: Well, I'll meet you in town, send you back to Pasir Ris to get your pay,
and head back to town.

Me: Haiyo.. So ma fan.. Don't need lar.. I can head back on my own.

Ben ben: Nevermind lar, I'll just send you back.. Don't you know I'm very "ti tie de"..

Me: *grins blissfully* Thanks ya ben..but i feel bad..

Ben ben: Haiyo..don't worry.. I'll send you back..

He is indeed considerate.

I thought I was the only one who goes the extra mile.

Ben went the extra metre-mile.

Ben's like..like my Nearly-an-Ezer Kenegdo.

RX was extremely encouraging.

He agonised with me.

He went "aiyo..." countless times.

He assured me.

He promised me his presence.

He reminded me of the promises of God, that only He keeps.

He brought a smile to my face.

[Hahas correction i will always be around k.

I dont want to try. Its like giving false hope.

Yea do what u do best. Smile.

Hahas let God do the healing ok?]

I thanked him for trying to be around.

He said he doesn't want to try.

He will be around.

He chose to be around.

RX's like..like my Protector.

=)

Read kha's blog about JP's sermon.

Amazing.

I've learnt...

[Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

Philippian 2:4]

[Loners are not wise.

Wisdom is found and forged in the fires of commited relationships.]

[..the focus is not on how they read or do math,

or any other skill or trait.

The focus is: Will you count them as worthy of your help and encouragement?

Not are they worthy?

But will you count them as worthy?]

[That is where our humility comes from.

We feel overwhelmed by God’s grace:

bygone grace in the cross and moment-by-moment arriving grace promised for our everlasting future.

Christians are stunned into lowliness.

Freely you have been served, freely serve.]

['It was beautiful when Christ put our interests above his own earthly
comforts and died for us.

It was beautiful when Paul suffered every day to plant the churches
that brought us the gospel.

It was beautiful when Timothy served side by side with Paul, putting
the interests of others first.

It was beautiful when Epaphroditus risked his life to complete the
Philippian service to Paul.

And it will be beautiful in your personal priorities and families and
politics as God makes his wisdom grow up among us where the
mind of Christ is so alive.]

Clamhead's the keeper of my life.

HAHA.

As so we have joked about it.

He'll fend of any threats to protect me.

He asked, "How would I know if there are any threats?"

Told him, "Use your psychic power."

He's always the one that goes,

"See lar see lar..I told you so.."

He has been around daily.

As my alarm,

as my crying buddy,

as my laughing machine,

as clamhead.

He simply makes me chuckled silly in front of a handheld device.

Clamhead's like..like my Invincible Superhero.

=)

My phone got extremely cranky.

It hangs up on people without me touching it.

It snoozes my alarm when I've yet to reach for it.

It seemed to have a mind of its own.

However,

IT WORKS!

I was really sadded when it couldn't charged up the night before.

Told Daddy about it.

He told me it's the battery.

I told him it's the phone.

He sms-ed me, "I've sent your phone to check. It's spoilt."

I was sadden-ed.

When I got home,

I just couldn't believe I'm losing my phone,

I tried swopping the batteries,

and my phone instantly sprang to life!

Excitedly left Daddy a note as it was 2am when my phone resurrected.

Told him all I needed was a new battery,

not a new phone.

Whoa.

God knew I couldn't afford a new phone.

Daddy surprised me today.

"I bought your battery."

My heart did somersaults all over.

I was esctatic,

not about the new battery,

or that I could keep my dear phone,

but that Daddy and I actually communicated.

For those who hadn't known,

something terrible happened,

and we had the biggest fight ever,

since then I hardly talk to my dad,

least to even sms.

Mummy had always said Daddy's "Zui ying xin luan"

(Mouth hard, Heart soft)

He cares.

Daddy's like..like my DADDY.

=)

The drama on screen was a nightly affair.

My mum sat behind me,

savouring her dumpling...

(du du growls right this moment... =S)

fixing her eyes intently on the tv screen.

When commercial time came on,

she pointed to du du and said,

"Wha..du du bian da le!!"

("Wha..du du became big!!")

I laughed.

Told her du du has grown big since I've started at eXplorerkid.

Like after a good meal,

I'll sit in front of a pixelated screen and go tapping away on the keyboard.

Like how can du du not surface..

We smiled.

Mummy knows the changes in me,

even when I don't say it.

Mummy's maternal instinct I guessed.

"Wha..tou fa chang le.."

("Wha..hair grown longer..")

Mummy's like..like my MUMMY!

HAHA.

=)

As I resided into the night and sat in front of yet another pixelated screen,

my heart is comforted.

God had orchestrated everything.

He had put up a whole performance to cheer me up.

It took Him the whole of the day.

Even if it takes Him 10 years to cheer someone up,

I believe He will.

He blessed Job after all he went through.

Two folds.

For a minute character like me..

God bothered Himself the whole day just to plant a smile on my face.

How much more blessed can I get?

His act of love outstripped all things else.

He wow-ed me,

and keeps at it time and time again.

I'm simply awestruck.

[Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.]

I'm learning this step by step.

[Love is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.]

I'm learning this day by day.

[Love never fails.]

I'm learning this lesson by lesson.

[And now these three remain:

faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love.]

Love is amazingly beautiful.

God allowed me a glimpse into the beauty of it.

What does God do best?

He loves.

What does joc do best?

I smile.

2008-10-14T03:21:00.002+08:00

Clamhead reminded me today of something I've not put much thought into.
"That's your one problem. And that's why you have so many problems."
My strength was my very weakness as well.
Hmm.

My colleague, Uma asked me last week if I could work the following shifts:
Monday - 12pm to 8pm
Tuesday - 12pm to 8pm
Wednesday - Off
Thursday - 12pm-8pm
Friday - 10.30am - 9pm (dreaded!!)
Saturday - 3pm to 10pm
Sunday - 3pm -10pm

Considering that the other colleague was down with HFM disease,
I said...okay.

Today at work,
she asked, "Jocelyn, can you work on Deepavali?"
To think that I actually wanted to quit by the end of this week... =/
Me, "Oh yah..you and Haema's got to celebrate Deepavali..."
She, "Well, I can work..in the morning..."
Me, "Yeah..okay."
Stupidly, I added, "There's birthday parties on that day ya?"
She, "Yeah. I let you do the parties?"
Me, "Okay...."
She, "You like doing parties right?"
Me, "Er..yeah..okay ar.."

Then following was Auntie Irene.
She was in chatters with another auntie beside me.
They were chatting about a girl named, Miya who MIA-ed.
Then I think she landed the topic onto me.
As I heard her speak,
"(in mandarin) She's very responsible.."
From the side of my eyes,
I saw her nodding towards me.
Hmm.
Then Auntie Irene asked,
"You not schooling meh?"
Me, "Oh I've graduated.."
She, "Then why don't you look for a full time job?"
Me, "Oh, I'll be starting school next year April."
She, "(squeals) Oh then you can work till March or so then!"
Me...
I simply spunned around to face the computer once again,
fixating a grin on my face...
expressing "yes-es" in all directions.
My vibes tell otherwise.

So I can't leave just yet again.
=(

I told RX,
He exclaimed across the phone,
"OKAY YOUR HEAD AR!"
"YOU EVERYTHING ALSO OKAY!!"

As I sms-ed clamhead..
He told me to wait lor..
Wait for the weeks to pass.
No choice.

After meeting fio and bing,
I headed to the train station.
Took to Raffles as I was looking for a seat to snuggle my butt on.
I was tired.
Sat down at the platform waiting for the train,
while I was sms-ing clamhead,
2 guys approached me.

One of them took his place next to me.
He started to chat me up.
Gosh was I surprised.
Like who does that these days,
or even does it at all.

As they talked,
I listened.
They asked,
I answered.

Finally came the big question:
"Can I have your number, to contact you when I pop by your work place?"
I went...."er..yeah..9...blah blah blah.."

Chatted all the way to Tampines.
When we got off the station,
we bumped into his housemate.
She started talking a whole lot of things as well.
Make up, Eye brow trimming..
(My heart just went..."I'm not that kinda girl...")
The big question came yet again.
She said, "Wait...I'll get you...."
I answered, "Oh, your namecard?"
She answered, "Huh? Namecard...?"
She fished out her PDA.
-___-"
"Can I have your number, I'll contact you about the make up lessons.....?"
Me, "Er..yes..9...blah blah blah.."

After I left them at a junction,
I didn't feel too bad actually..
Somehow they prevented me from hitting rock bottom before I reached home.

I sms-ed clamhead.
His response, "Nice one. Anyhow give people your number."
My jaw dropped.
How stupid was I.
I told him that I simply couldn't refuse...
"That's your one problem. And that's why you have so many problems."

Felt really dumb today.
Fancy me calling clamhead the dumb one all the time..

What's far worse...
was the pain in my heart.
My lips quivered when I spoke of it..
My hands trembled..
My heart...sank.

I felt that we're no longer like before.
I wasn't able to confide in her as I used to.
Things have reached a stage where I feel,
we no longer speak or connect at the same frequency.

Sms-ing across the table when you're with friends is rude,
I understand.
I tried so hard to minimise..
to the extend that I only reply when I'm away from the table en route to the toilet.
Yet,
today,
you didn't do what you've said.
I was sharing my heart out...
I was so insecure...
I needed your assurance...
All I had was your cold shoulder.
You kept your fingers tapping away on the phone.
When you're done,
you shot me with harsh replies that simply cut my heart...
into pieces..

Damn the tears for rolling down right now.
I hate crying.
Yet,
I am now..

Where had the "speaking the truth in love" gone to?
I am of the same stage as before - singlehood.
You have gone onto the process of considering doublehood.
Ideals have changed,
priorities have changed,
perspectives have changed.
You...have changed.

I reminisced the days where we laughed our heads off over silly things.
Where we shared our insecurities.
Where we shared our hearts about the future we wana have.
You have a new addition in your life now.
I'm happy for you.
I wish to be a part of the joy,
and share in your life.
Yet, I no longer hear from you or your heart.
I had to ask in order to know..
You weren't as eager to share as before.

God,
my heart is so painful now.
This pain is far worse than that of being broken by other heart breakers.
I thought she was given by You.
So is she still...?
My heart has grown weary..
I'm beginning to lose faith..

I don't believe that You are taking away what You have given me.
I just wished it's because we're all growing.
Growing in different stages requires more communication,
more grace,
more love.

I would very much wana fall in love,
but not in the way where I'll hurt others.
Maybe they hadn't hurt me.
I just needed to cope with changes.
Changes in people are...really...scary.
I hesistated, thus.

God,
I'm afraid of changes.
Very afraid...
Could You help ease that fear..
I don't know why I fear so much even though You love me so deep..

Hey peeps,
pardon me for my vulnerability.
My heart just needed an avenue to express.
It's heavy on my heart and really hard for me to bear..
I really wonder who truly understands...
but God.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
Psalm 31:9-10

For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30: 5

My memory of how painful I used to feel..
It's coming back..
The pain and all..
How deep it cut..
But God's my Jehovah Rophe.

["Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed."
(Isaiah 53:4-5)

Please note the present tense, "we ARE healed." His work on the cross paid the totally price for our healing once and for all. Do you need Jehovah-Rophe today? For your body? For your soul? For your mind? He is still in the healing business today and He is only a prayer away. Call upon Him!]

Jehovah Rophe.
The Lord Heals.
To you I offer my broken heart..

2008-10-10T03:07:00.000+08:00

What is Love?

Bold of me to speak of this?
Nah.
God has told us,
including me,
what Love is.

Dear friends, let us love one another,
for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God,
because God is love.
This is how God showed his love among us:
He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
This is love:
not that we loved God,
but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends,
since God so loved us,
we ought to love one another.
No one has ever seen God;
but if we love one another,
God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

.....................

God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God,
and God in him.
In this way,
love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement,
because in this world we are like him.
There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us.
If anyone says, "I love God,"
yet hates his brother,
he is a liar.
For anyone who does not love his brother,
whom he has seen,
cannot love God,
whom he has not seen.
And he has given us this command:
Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Familiar, some may say.
It's from the word of God.

My command is this:
Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends.

Yet another familiar verse.
The verse I stand by with regards to my dearies.

How could we say love doesn't exist?
How could we say love exist only in fairytales?
How could we say love is bullshit?
How could we say love only brings more heartaches than joy?
How could we...

[Loving someone means allowing the other person to respond in ways you have no control over. Everytime you engage yourself in an intimate, loving way with someone else, you become partly subjected to the exhilaration of hearing another person's yes or the disappointment in his or her no. The more people you love, the more pain you may experience. For the great mystery of love is that while it can be received, it can also be rejected. Everytime you love, you enter into the risk of love.]

Many have definitions of love.
Some painful, some sweet.
I'll let you in on something.
God's love......always sweet.

We are often so caught up with looking for the perfect 'him' or 'her',
that we lose sight of loving.
Both loving God and loving 'him' or 'her'.
We nit picked everything.
For me,
his hair, his bods, his smile, his charisma, his humour, his accent, his charm, his expressions, his gestures, his walk with God, his.....the list never ends huh?
Well,
for God...
He simply loves.

However,
I've learnt one thing.
Man's love dies down.
Love seem to deterioriate over time.
Husbands and wifes fall apart,
Boyfriends and girlfriends choose to break up.
Children of God fall away,
because they no longer love and felt loved.

God's nature,
neverchanging.
Neither is His love.
That is why it feels so secure to be in Him,
than in any man/woman's heart.

Just like Simon Peter.
Jesus asked "Simon son of John, do you truly agape me more than these?"
"Yes Lord," he said, "you know that I phileo you."
To put it simply,
agape was the highest level of love,
sacrificial love.
Simon Peter could only offer phileo,
the second level of love.

Love is important.
Just as it is very important to us,
it is important to God.

Two thousand years ago, at a quiet spot just beside the Sea of Galilee,
our Lord asked Simon Peter a question that would foreve change the course of his life.
Two thousand years later,
He is asking each of us the same question,
"Do you love me?"

2008-10-09T02:40:00.000+08:00

Today,
I had a blast.
It's been so long since I've last played a ball game.
Amazed at how we could all come together and play a game.
I love the girls.
It's been kinda long since I've been around this many girls,
honest.
I had fun.

Bits and pieces of my life are around me.
Day to day,
I make the same prayer.
The prayer that only God will know.

As I sang,
the tunes just came,
the words just flowed,
[I need you,
I want you,
I love you.]

I'm happy with my life.
Thankful that I have a family to come home to.
I heard about Clarice's.
Honestly,
I felt like crying inside.
I wanted so much to hold her and comfort her,
even though all I saw from her was a strong front.

I've learnt to not complain of my lack.
It cannot be compared to what she'd gone through.
I worked hard,
not for money, yes,
but for material wants and all.
Others,
like her,
may work because she don't have enough.

I'm quiting one of my jobs.
I'm just gona focus on one,
and really give myself time.
Time to be with God.
Time to honestly rest.
(actually i've been sleeping alot...8-12 hours bare minimum.
fio puts it better, irregular.. hehe.)
Time to shop hard,
(window shop i mean, don't wana burn a hole in my pocket.)
Time for my friends.
Time to mambo.
Time to wait for the guy...
wait wait wait...
let me tell you about him..

bing describe:
[he'll come on an orange vespa,
wear an orange suit and shoes,
carry a bunch of orange flowers,
with orange wax on his head,
and make your heart, not you,
race.]

I replied her that if it really happens,
NOT MY HEART, BUT ME, RACE.
HAHA.
Unless, really, unless,
if it's a dare from me,
and he actually does it,
I'll be superbly touched.
Honest.

Lastly...
Time to fall in love.

God,
I'll pray the same prayer everyday.
You'll hear it everyday.
I know it won't bore you.
And I know my heart is safe in Your hands.
Amen.

[I believe protecting your heart is going all out to feel the full volume of emotions, of love, of joy, of pain, but placing everything in God. Allowing God to protect your heart as you feel the feelings you CAN feel..the risk of being hurt is always there, but God's here to protect you from pain beyond you can bear.]

I can't believe I've said such things to bing at that point of time.
Well,
told you guys...
God teaches me things along the way as well.
Just as I've spoken it to you,
I have learnt it at the same time.

Been into loads of oldies these days.
Digging up my memories.
[Good memories are pictures of an old photo album reflecting all of what God had done just to amaze you. - Joc]
I like looking back into my good memories and go...
"Wha...I can't believe that happened..."

Peeps,
being wonderwoman of two jobs,
been working 2 1/2 weeks without break,
eating the same old mee sua and chicken chop 4 out of 7 days,
I'm thankful that I live to this day.
I'm thankful that God has been around.
I'm thankful that He loves me enough to stand by me.
I know I've been well taken care of.
It's God's hands I'm in,
remember?

2008-10-03T13:18:00.000+08:00

[The word used most in love letters is not love,
it's miss. - The Leap Years]

i've learnt some things about myself these days.
I'm garang, yet feminine,
compared to chawanmushi by Zul.
Zul: why do you like chawanmushi?
Me: It's ..er..nice?
Zul: Some more..?
Me: It's tasty?
Zul: *roll eyes* It's soft, just like you.
And why you dig further,
you'll find more and more ingredients.]
It took me quite some time to identify with chawanmushi.
I wasn't feeling delicious.

I realised we could all say one thing and change the next minute,
not literally, of course.
It's just that there's so much changes in the people around me,
that I feel I no longer that I belong to somewhere.
I don't hate changes in places,
I dread the change in people.
So much so,
that I no longer believe that one meant what one may say at times.
Guess it's the season.
I'm just learning to move on step by step with God.
Only He,
only He,
is neverchanging.

Just help me on this,
don''t promise me what you cannot fulfill.
You'll make me feel that you're changing too.
I hate this statement to the core,
[Promises are meant to be broken.]
God never breaks the promises He made.
Only man would do that.

One last thing.
God,
I pray that with everyday of my life,
You'll surprise me,
like no man could.
You'll stand by my side unwaveringly,
like no man could.
You'll provide for me,
like no man could.
You'll love me with the biggest of heart,
like no man could.
And for the man who is willing to come after me,
this is for you.
[A girl has to bury her heart so deep in God,
that he has to go through God to get it.]
The only way to my heart,
is through God.
When you've made it to my heart,
I'll know it's you.

2008-09-30T01:42:00.000+08:00

God's been really faithful.
I have been on my new job for 3 weeks now.
I've learnt much,
seen quite a bit.
Smile a little,
frowned a whole lot,
but God never left me.

I was always reminded that He's around.
I'm just learning to rest,
learning that if God had to rest on the 7th day,
Joc has to too.
I ain't super woman,
sorry if I lied.

"Joc, can you stop being so garang?"
".....sometimes you really are.."
Fragments of what people has told me.
Two, in fact.
I'll learn.
Life's always a journey.
[When all has been said and done,
your life is just a dash between two dates.]
I'm still saying things, doing things,
life's only moving from chapter to chapter.

Rx has been sweet to use Korean to greet me.
I laughed when I saw it.
Genuine.
But it was filled with mistakes.
Hey,
i'm not angry.
Just well...
I'm just affected that whatever my passion was for,
was taken lightly by others.
Pardon my straightforwardness.
Didn't mean to be offensive in any way.

I've been thinking alot.
About Gerry. Sky.
Thinking about the ideal,
forgetting the present.
Told wen today.
I'm waiting for him who will sweep me off my feet,
who will make my heart race.
And God knows how much he'll amaze me.

Well,
MAMA MIA,
HERE I GO AGAIN,
MY MY,
I BETTER CATCH SOME SLEEP~
Great movie.
Have watch a considerable amount of movies to be able to comment that it's good.
The genre's beautiful.
Looking forward to more musical movies.
High School Musical 3.

2008-09-24T02:32:00.000+08:00

I feel indignant how things have turned out.
Wrong place, wrong time/Bad place, bad time.
You seem fine,
but I guess everything just feel so surreal now aye?
Everything happened for a reason.
And I believe you'll be alright.

Well,
I told God today that I want him to change who I am.
I want Him to make me anew.
I know He heard.
All I have to do is to listen and wait.
Holy Spirit,
come within me and fill me like how You used to.

Many things have happened,
but God,
You've never left me.
I thank you for that.

People in poorer countries dread to wake up,
because they would have to worry how would they survive another day.
Me, I dread the mornings when clamhead calls,
as I usually lack sleep,
thus I'll snooze and end up being late.

People in poorer countries settle for whatever they have in their bowls everyday,
yet I complain to mummy all the time,
"Mummy, don't buy beansprouts...I hate the taste of it.."
"Mummy, I don't like the 'tao pok'..."
"Mummy, I don't like this soup, I want that soup..."

People in poorer countries couldn't even work to support the family,
yet here I am,
having two jobs,
yet complaining the lack of money and rest.
So much, yet unsatisfied.

Even though life has been pretty rocky and all,
I'm more than blessed,
indeed.
Blessed to even breathe each morning.

I'm turning in.
Gona wake up when clamhead calls and I won't complain.
For this is the day that the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it.

2008-09-23T03:20:00.000+08:00

To my two precious sisters.
Fio & Bing.

To Fio,
I know you've not been doing well these days.
Life gets tiring too aye?
I thank God i was able to talk to you a lil yesterday.
I apologise for all the weird sms-es you received from me.
Many a times,
it just reflects of my insecurities.
I ask for your forgiveness and grace.
Just as you want to spend time with paul,
I want to spend time with you.
Sacrifices has to be made.
Definite.
It's been almost a month since we had our chiong-ing sessions.
But i'll wait.
I look forward to a chiong-ing session with you alone.
And know,
no matter what happens,
i'll always stand by you.
I'm just a ring away,
you no longer ring.
It ain't too hard ya?
Just pick up the phone,
scroll down your phone directory,
see "Jocelyn"
and press "CALL".
There,
you'll hear me.

To Bing,
calling you wen has become my routine.
I understand you're facing rough patches as well.
Just as you stood by me when i was down and out,
I would like to do likewise.
No matter what,
I'll always stand by you.
Don't be afraid to love and be loved.
God has made us for this.
Never think that you could sort things out just by thinking.
I never could.
That's why half the time,
I pop you sms-es,
and short prayers to God.
Even though i may be busy with two jobs,
but God has granted me favour in the eyes of my superior.
I can get off days that i want.
I want to be involved in your life too.
Potong,
I simply miss laughing with you about nothing.
Let's do it again,
shall we?
And we'll put du du-s together and have a great feast!

To you both,
precious to my heart,
and deeply cherished.
Losing any of you,
I might lose half my heart.
I never want to leave your lives,
and I want the best for you both.
Nothing but the best.
I'm so thankful to God that you both have amazing men after your heart.
You're pursued.
You're captivating, girls.
Be their ezer kenegdo.
Be their warrior in Christ.
Worry not for me.
I know I'll meet the man who will make my heart race one day.
By faith,
I know.

2008-09-23T02:38:00.000+08:00

To Hate/passerby,
my apologies for my tardy response.
I believe you are one person.
I believe we are acquainted.

Okay.
I don't exactly know what did I do or say to have made you feel the way you feel,
but I believe you are feeling pretty betrayed.
Maybe even after reading this,
you may feel that it's all hypocrisy,
but I know my conscience is clear to God.

I'm sorry if I have caused you to feel so adversely towards God.
If it has been the things i've done,
I hope you do understand,
that I, Jocelyn, ain't a perfect person.
I make mistakes too.
If I am an all perfect and a goody good Christian,
then I don't need God.
It's because I'm not perfect,
that's why all the more I need Him.

I've been going through rough patches in my life,
and the only way I was able to stand strong was to depend on God.
And all that I've shared on my blog are my processes and journeys.
I've been vulnerable to God and to man,
not to gain pity from man,
but to show people that through life's ups and downs,
God has made me stronger.
Stronger as a person and in my faith.
I would hope that you can understand that I am, afterall, human.
I do have my ups and downs.
It doesn't mean that as a Christian,
we will only enjoy the good things in life,
and never the bad.
[God never said life would be easy,
but He said to cast my cares on Him for He cares for me.]

[Hate: Can really think what i'll say when i see you in the street with another TOY]
I would definitely want to hear you tell me what you want to say,
because I want to clear up any misunderstandings.
I hope you will take back your words about 'another TOY'.
If you had meant the guys that I've been meeting up with one-on-one,
then I would like to tell you that they are real good friends to me.
I cherish them as they're God given.
They stand by me,
when I'm down.
They're the ones who plant smiles on my face,
when the going gets tough.
People may misunderstand anything about us,
but God knows my heart.
So please,
do not be harsh with your words in your anger.

I sensed the skeptism in you.
The eyes that refuses to see the good in man and God.
I don't mean to force upon you anything.
I pray that you'll understand,
your skeptical heart has never stopped God from loving you.
My heart has always been clear before God,
and I stand before Him alone.
I do not need to explain to anyone the reasons for my being,
because I'm only answerable to God.
But I do wana clear the air between us,
because I believe you want to know the truth, don't you?
Life has been cruel to you...to me...to anyone on this earth,
but God HAS NOT.
God is NEVER cruel to us.

The last thing that God will do,
maybe not even last,
as this will NEVER be in God's list,
is to harm you in any way.
The pain you feel in your life ain't caused by God,
but by the sins of man.

And it seemed that in some ways,
my behaviour as a Christian has made you feel cheated.
Cheated that afterall, there is no one good on earth,
not even Christians.
Well,
NO ONE is good on earth.
I ain't good.
That is why I need God.

I apologise on the behalf of my friends if certain words have hurt you.
It's me whom you're displeased with,
but please,
do not take it out on them.
If you want to express your anger,
vent it on me alone,
but leave them out of this.

[passerby: all behaving like R.E.T.A.R.D .. typical christain tat's trying to talk sense. -shakehead-]
If we are retards,
and all that we've shared about our faith is crap,
then who are not the retards?
Who is telling the truth?
Whose statement counts as the absolute truth?
Who, then, talks complete sense?

There's only one kind of Christian.
The Christian who will stand by his/her faith in Jesus Christ,
depending on God moment by moment,
never succumbing to the challenges of the world,
yet boldly proclaiming that Jesus Christ is truly the son of God,
the one and only Saviour,
who, by His blood,
has redeemed us of all our sins.
Typical Christian.

Since you've boldly tagged on my blog,
I believe you have things you want to tell me.
I would ask that you approach me.
My promise to you is that whatever is shared between us is kept between us.
God can seal that promise.
You can email me if you're uncomfortable to talk to me face to face.
my email add: myorangevespa@yahoo.com

Once again,
I would like to apologise if I have,
in any way,
displayed anything that has been contrary to what I've shared with you about God.
I hope that my inadequate testimony has not resulted in you losing confidence in God.
If it has,
then grant me the grace to fail.
Do understand that I am human afterall.
I'm fallible.

It's never about how good I can be as a Christian,
it's always about how God chooses to use me even when I'm so inadequate.
I can only give you a glimpse of our eternal God.
To see Him,
you've got to believe.
If you don't believe,
even if He stands before you,
you wouldn't know it's Him.
Same for the good things in life.
If we don't believe that there's still good things in life,
we will never see it even if it is right before our eyes.

If you can ever find anyone who has never ever sinned,
apart from Jesus Christ,
let me know.
Then I can tell you that all these years what I'm believing is crap.
If not,
please understand that your skeptism doesn't deny God's existence.
He exists, that's why we exist.
[God would not have made you if His heart did not love you.]

2008-09-19T02:11:00.000+08:00

God Agape People

I'm devastated.
Why must things reach this kinda stage.
I hated when things like this happen,
yet i choose to put myself in this position always.
Risking every moment where my fragile heart will once again be broken.

I'll be away for a while.
Don't ask why.
I won't be picking up calls for a moment.

God,
I'm coming to You.
Man can fail me,
but i believed You'll never.

Things just happened at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm just speechless.
I'll not abandon myself to waste.
Just as you need time,
so do I.
Give me time.
I don't know how long I need this time.
But joc joc will recover,
as I always do.
I just hate to go through this ardous journey every time.
But I'm left with no choice.

Father,
be near.
Shield me from this menacing world.
All i could ask for is to be in Your arms once again.
You are the only one who can comfort my soul, my heart.

Give me time,
and when joc returns,
I'll be like how i've always been.
A smile without fail.
I'll be back,
loving the world like i've always did.

I always thank God for people who brings smiles to my face.
I'm looking forward to 12noon.
I'll see clamhead.
He made me laughed today,
so hard that i was smiling when i hanged up.
He's my crying buddy.
He's my alarm.
He's clamhead.
I'm thankful that he was around.
=)

Zul is definitely one of them.
I miss you.
You're crazy,
yet serious when you stand by your principles.
I'm thankful that you're part of my life.
You're the zest that adds to it.
=)

Pea size brain met me after work on tues.
Sweet gesture it was.
Hard to miss this chap, that i'll remember him.
Never knew a boy of his age speaks of wisdom unknown.
(well, though i already knew..
we both know things aye?
we just needed to share...)
=)

Ben ben has always been around.
Close enough to make me feel protected.
Hey,
I'll be seeing you tonight.
I'm excited.
I know i'll be assured by your hug.
=)

Chuah has always been my lovely sweetie.
So sweet,
that i'm protecting her all the time.
Probably with the common surname,
i tend to know things before i ask.
Telepathy, ain't it.
I can't wait to see you tonight.
=)

Ng, with all her lame-ness,
I smiled.
Knowing that we've both come a long way.
With one big tiff we've had,
we've learnt to cherish one another.
=)

Kha,
though away on an island called tekong,
he never fail to call me.
So sweet that i melted each time i heard his voice.
I feel appreciated.
My mrt buddy for 3 years.
=)

Fio, who's crazily in love with not only her silly boy,
but me!
HAH.
Well, I'm thankful that we'll laugh and enjoy each other's company so much.
She's one that i'll cherish till the end.
Laugh on sis.
=)

Wen,
she likes being called wen.
That's why i'm calling her wen.
We laugh at the darnest things,
do the stupidest things,
and yet we are inseparable.
I always look down the memory lane and smile.
=)

There are so many of you that brings a smile to my face,
yet I could only express this much.
Allow me more time.
I might even write a book.
=)

I thank God that I'm feeling better.
But please,
don't call me.
For once,
I prefer sms-es to calls.

I'm heading to lalaland.
If not, not only clamhead will not be able to wake me,
the skies wouldn't be able too.

In God's hands,
I place the weight of my heart.
Amen.

2008-09-17T17:10:00.004+08:00

Yesterday night was one random meeting.
Sean called,
and we met.
Honestly,
i always wondered to God,
how come i'm this close to Sean in our friendship.
Then i realised it yesterday.
Sean and I are born 1 year 1 hour and 53minutes apart.
(if my memory didn't fail me...)
I'm on the 21st, Sean's on the 22nd.
It's almost amazing how we can get to know each other.
And the very thing that the taxi uncle asked me yesterday,
was what Sean asked me when he first saw me.

Taxi uncle: Are you an American or something..? Because you have that..that slang...
Me: (thinking it's accent, not slang..) Er..no. I'm a Singaporean.
Taxi uncle: Or you studied overseas in America??
Me: Er..no. I studied here. Grew up here. Born here.
Taxi uncle: Or you have American teachers who teach you??
Me: Er..no. My teachers are all ... chinese-fied.

When Sean first saw me,
he came to help me at table 8.
Sean: Hey, did you study overseas or something?
Me: Er no...why do you ask?
Sean: Well, you sounded as though you came back from abroad..
Me: Well, I thought you're the one who came back from abroad..

HAHA.
God ordained friendship.
I'll never forget him.

Thank you sean for being around last night.
You were a great listening ear.
We're so similar in our thoughts and actions,
I feel that at times,
we're brothers and sisters.
Well, me being the older one, of course.
HAHA.

I'm thankful God brought you into my life.
I'm thankful that we stayed in contact even after you left ny.
I'm thankful that I can call you when I need someone to talk to.
(which never happened before...)
I'm thankful that even if I don't say it,
you know my heart.
I'm thankful to God for you,
pea sized brain,
honest.

2008-09-16T03:04:00.000+08:00

God,
I'm really lost.
Lost in the sea of my emotions and my actions.
Sometimes how i feel is not how i act.
I need help.

I really don't know what i'm feeling these days.
Frustrated? Reckless? Restless?
I need someone who can help me here.
I guess i need time to think through things.
Alot has been going through my mind...
I need You, Lord.

I wish i can hide in Your arms and never have to worry about anything,
really.
I hate to take initiative.

To you.
I know you've been trying very hard to match up.
I'm really sorry if i had put a strain on you.
My life has started at such a pace,
I never thought that i would meet you,
least to think of spending my life with you.
I'm really afraid that you'll be hurt,
and that's why i'm keeping everything neutral.
The last thing i would ever want,
is to make you tear.
I'm really sorry if i appear frustrated and all,
I need God to guide me and lead me to love.
[God is Love.
Love is patient.
Be imitators of God.
Be patient. - Joc]
I don't want you to change yourself to make me happy,
all i want is you be you.
Simple.
I will have to work with God regarding everything i'm feeling.
Be strong for me, will you?
I just need to go through this process.
I need God to help me learn to demand less.
I need you to shower me the grace to go through it.

[Just as we are learning new things about people each day,
so do they learn new things about themselves. -Joc]
I've learnt something about myself.
I really need to have someone stronger than me.
Mentally, Spiritually, Emotionally.

I've been the spiritual pillar at home all along...
I'm tired...
I really am...
I'm so gona break under all these and cry...
but no...
Joc has been through worst...
I need to hang in there...
I have to...

[When we keep our minds on God,
God will keep our minds at peace. - pastor]

2008-09-12T02:25:00.000+08:00

HEYO!!
no wait.....
ANNYONG HASEYO!!

To my ardent readers,
my apologies for the late late post.
To Zul,
here's my update at last. =)

Well,
a whole lot of rollercoaster, my life has been.
Since bangkok trip and all.
CPF plans and my title as a Dinosaur seem to be fading...
Well,
all i pray for is for God's peace to dwell in my heart.

Well,
today you plant a smile on my face,
really.
A smile that i hadn't smile in a long while.
I'm amazed how much you can still influence me.
I thank God i knew you.
Out of this tiny island, i saw you.
I thank God for you.

Many night outs with jere, kha, rx, fio and bing.
I thank God for the post poly friendship.
Amazing how we meet night after night.
I simply thank God for their company.
Memories like this are expensive,
because they're priceless.
And imagine how memories could be exclusively yours.
How did God ever make that possible?
I guess i prefer not to know.
I rather let God be God.

I'm thankful you came into my life.
Not by chance, not abruptly...
I've known you by name,
and now...by day.
All i can ask of is that all of this be in God's hands.

God,
i'm so thankful that Fio has found her happiness.
Well, sweet and i are on our way...
All i ask is for You to reign in our hearts.
Even a God centered relationship can be exclusive.
All i ask for is a big heart, Lord.
I'm falling even more in love with you.

I'm exhausted to the core peeps.
Really.
NYDC & GRO @ explorerkid
Working two jobs,
with all the late nights,
everyday...
Whoa.
Even God rested on the 7th day.
I pray for His strength to empower me.

I miss my VJBEE lovelys alot.
I haven't seen them in the longest of time.
It's gona be 3 weeks man.
Dain, i dread this.
Lovelys, I wana see you guys.
I miss my godson too.
Zaiver.

Honestly,
God has given me much to give thanks for all this while.
All i ask is for His peace to be upon me.
Lead me and guide me as You know best.

2008-08-21T01:47:00.000+08:00

He replied my email,
all the way from Portugal through the matrix,
arriving at my inbox today at 2240 hours.
Next port,
Russia.
A long awaited email since that call weeks ago.
[take care with much love
azfar]

I hope through the seas and winds,
they'll bring him my wishes and misses.
"Come home soon, won't you?"
God knows how much i miss you man...
I'm happy.

Seeing her so painful,
yet going strong,
my heart cringes.
I hate to see her aching in her heart,
and i hate myself for not being able to ease her from it.
Though she said it's okay already,
but i know it's not.

If she's sad,
i'll be equally sad.
If she sees me sad,
she'll be sadder.
So we'll sad together.
Sadded man.

I never pray that we'll go back to how we used to be...
It was a painful start,
and i pray it won't end painfully.
I just pray that we'll grow closer as friends.
A friend whom i'll call when i'm alone.
A friend whom i'll turn to for advices.
A friend who will rejoice with me for the good things in life.
Fio said you compliment me the most,
but it's over now.
I won't dwell on it.
I've moved on.

The Spontae sisters had a great time yesterday.
First,
the jackie chan restaurant,
then TCC,
then movie marathon.
Midnight meat train and Money no enough.
I was nauseous when i came out from the first movie.
Thank God the second movie made du du feel a lil better.

Well,
I thank God that i finally got to hear whatever that went on.
Amazing story.
I'm awestruck by God's gift to fio.
I believe He has His chapters written for me too.
The climax has yet to reach.
I'm only on the first few chapters.
I await for my story to unfold.

2008-08-17T05:59:00.000+08:00

Watched a video today.
A simple video that reflects reality.
It sets me thinking.
What exactly is reality?
A whole entire country,
or should i say half of a country.
They believed in a fabricated lie,
or was made to believe in a fabricated lie.
We were shown the truth,
so clearly before our very eyes...
and yet we only believed it half-heartedly.

Maybe because they were forced to,
and out of fear,
they obligingly choose to obey the fabrication.
If you can escape,
good.
If you can't escape,
just stay.
If you try to escape,
then pray hard that you'll really escape,
or death's your escape.

And yet,
so many a times,
I, as a Christian,
do not even know why i feel that the truth gets overbearing,
when the truth, in fact, liberates.
We believe the truth,
out of our own will,
yet we dread it.

What an irony.

It really saddens my heart.
I feel so helpless.
God,
i've learnt something.
I need to be thankful.
Thanful for the simple things in life.

I was so sad when jethro died.
Didn't appreciate the new camera at all.
I hated its colour,
i hated it's different,
i hated it's not jethro.
But hey,
i didn't appreciate it being upgraded,
i didn't appreciate it was new,
when i ought to be thankful that it was within warranty.

Well,
내 사랑 shall be his name.
Nae Sarang.
My love.
Named it jaz initially,
hmm..
Jaz Chua Nae Sarang.
HAHA.
Pardon me please,
i simply like to name the things i owned.
Jaz was my favourite kid when i was on the ship.
And ya,
i love Korean alot.

Wanted translation for thankfulness.
It turned out to be "gam sa".
Reminded me of what Ryan told me.
"Thank you very gam sa."
Jong Jun repeated,
"Thank you very thank you."
HAHA.
I miss the kids.

Random things.

Saw a customer's name on the credit card receipt today.
FIONA CHUA.
Fio,
it reminded me of you.
Your name with my surname.

Aylwin sms-ed me today.
I kinda just woke up.
"Call me if can."
Typical ah beng of him.
Called him.
A: You free to talk now?
J: Er..ya? Why?
A: (in chinese) Why you like that one??? @#$$%^& Do you know you're working today?
J: Huh? Er.. I'm working, but not at heeren today.
A: Aiya. Joc ar.. I wanted to call Joyce. HAHAHA.
J: HAHAHA.
J: (got scolded for nothing lor)
A: Sorry ar. So how's your cough now?
J: (coughs) Er..okay lar.
A: Orh. Drink more water ar.
J: Uhn.
Blur like anything.

Clamhead has a new name for me.
Small girl.
Well, he promised not to bully me,
but saturdays after saturdays,
he'll keep up his usual routines - bully me.
I'm not going to see him for one saturday.
Sadded.

Got super clumsy today.
I dropped the empty pitcher on the floor.
It got flung underneath a customer's chair.
Ian said i attracted attention. =(
I dropped the cheese container.
The cheese fell out on the carpet.
Clamhead exclaimed,
"Clumsy with a capital C!"
Climbed the chairs to reach for water inside the coldside.
Bumped my head on the upper shelf.
Tung shouted across,
"You mei you bian ai ar?!"
("Did you become shorter?!"
So clumsy that Hafiz and Prila asked me to be careful not to spill the soup.

Finally,
i've got the chance.
For three years, i was hoping.
I am flying with you.
I really pray that the time together would be amazing.
I pray that God will bring us so much closer.
I look forward with much anticipation.

I'm thankful to God for Prila.
Someone whom i feel that God has brought into my life to bless me.
So much so that a manager i see her not to be,
but a friend.

Khalis is going to NS on the 11th of Sept.
Ian, 13th.
Jason 16th.
I am not looking forward to it.
God,
teach me to accept changes even though i detest it.

Time to sleep now.
Cheerios.

2008-08-10T04:19:00.000+08:00

It's 4 days since jethro's sick and away.
I'm kinda missing him and all the memories he has brought me.
looking forward to Wednesday.
Really.

Today,
i've made the boldest declaration to jia tung in the presence of many.
Many = prila, zhi hao, siti, kha and clamhead.
Okay, a few maybe.
Somehow we've kinda talked about money and all,
and i went like,
Me: If you have God, you have everything.
Tung: Really??? *doubtful*
Tung: So give me all your money, your atm card.
Then how are you gona come to work?
Me: God will make a way.
Tung: Yah. You'll go like 'Papa, i need money.' ASK.
Me: Try me, i won't ask from my dad at all.
Tung: *surprised* okay, then tell me how you're gona come to work?
Me: God will provide me the money to take transport.
Tung: Okay. You give me your ezlink card.
Me: I'll give you my atm card, my ezlink card and my pay for last month.
You can keep everything. And for one month, i'll survive on God.
You game for it?
Tung: Deal. On. I'm not on the losing end.
Me: Then if this one month i survive on God, i've proven that God exist,
are you gona believe Him?
Tung: No..it's okay you just believe Him can already.
Me: But i'll prove He exist.
Tung: It's okay. Afterall, i'm not on a losing end.
Me: I'm not on a losing end too. *smiles*
Tung shrugged.
Me: So do you want my ezlink card now?
Tung: Why do i need your ezlink card for?
Me: Well, the one month starts today, how about that?
Tung: Aiya...it's okay lar..i was just joking with you.
Me: *smiles*

God,
i thank you for giving me the courage to voice out the truth.
To stand up for what i believe in.
I pray that someday, somehow,
tung will come to know You as well.
He is a nice friend.
A good man that deserves more than what life has got to offer,
and that's salvation.

A heavier note to end,
It has been a tough journey between us.
It's not all about him that has intruded.
It's the simplest thing that i cannot bring myself to do to you-
TRUST.
Excuse me for this period of time.
I need the space to clear my mind.
You've once said,
"they have broken the trust that we have for them,
it's gona take alot for us trust them again.
They have to earn it."

And know this,
You've broken this trust,
and you've got to earn it back.

2008-08-07T02:42:00.000+08:00

Love is being willing to die for someone.
Dennis's friend gave his life up for him.
He had loved him,
i believed.

This is the rough story...
Somewhere along Mandai road,
Dennis was at the traffic light on his bike.
It was red,
but the sign says,
"Turn left on red."
He saw a lorry stopped,
so he decided to move on.
However,
from behind that lorry,
came another lorry.
His friend who was also on the bike,
in an effort to save Dennis,
shielded him from the lorry,
resulting in his own death.
Dennis was covered with abrasions and a fractured arm.
He is still recovering after 5 days.

My heart wrenched the minute i saw him today.
I was almost left speechless.
I wanted so much to assure him that i'm here for him.
Wanted so much to offer my support,
but somehow,
i failed to.

Life is transient.
Dennis's friend gave his life for him,
so did Jesus.
I'm thankful.

Papa,
I pray for You to restore whatever hurt that has been done.
Dennis's friend may have left him,
but i pray that Papa,
Dennis will know You're here for him.
I know You will heal him and his heart in the way You know best.
I place him in Your loving hands,
keep him safe.
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen.

2008-08-02T04:06:00.001+08:00

Since Sunday,
i've been sleeping alot less than the initial days.
5 1/2 hours...4 hours...2 hours...
Really exhausted.
Flared up at the slightest things.
The crazy idea of working two jobs seriously makes me cranky.
The only one who had to endure this all was fio,
thanks for being gracious.
However, i'm just bothered by some things.
We'll trash things out on tues.

Well,
for some who hadn't known,
i'm teaching English to a group of Korean kids,
and still keeping up my job at nydc.
Honestly,
i enjoy seeing their faces each morning.
I was tired,
but the smile on their faces,
simply made the fatigue fade away.

8 in total.
Woo Seong, Daniel.
Hee Won, Hannah.
Ju Hyeong, Paul.
Sang Woo, Ryan.
Jong Jun, Brian.
Jin Won, Andy.
Jae Won, Roy.
Sang Hyuon, Andrew.
It took me only once to remember their names,
whereas it was the teachers' names that i kept forgetting.
HAHA.

Jong Jun is kinda handsome.
pretty handsome kid for his age at 9.
When we were heading to the goat farm on Wed,
and he went like,
"Teacher, where are you from?"
"Singapore."
"Ah...Singapore...[Korean]"
"Teacher, how old are you?"
"20."
"20...er..yi ship(20)..?"
"yah.. yi ship."
Startled,
with big beady eyes he looked at me,
"Korean speaking??"
"chokum (a lil..)"
He was even more surprised.
Haha.
He then asked Sang Woo how to ask me the question.
so ending our conversation,
"Teacher, do you like Korean music?"
"Yup, i do. Chu a hae yo (i like)."

Today,
Jong Jun walked into the staff room.
We started conversing again.
JJ: (picking up the choco on my table) yi gor ju se yo (Give me this.)
Me: *shaking my head* An ni. (No.)
JJ: ju se yo..ju se yo!!!
Me *laughing* okay okay. Half half.
JJ: scissors.
Me: Scissors??!! *giggled*
JJ: *nodded*
Me: Shi gol (No.) You bite.
He bit and returned me a portion less than half.
He placed it on my palm,
sadded.
Then i looked to Jae Won.
and then the chocolate on my palm,
then him again.
Next minute,
he took the choco from my palm and popped it into his mouth.
I looked at the tinny-winny crumb on my palm,
sadden-ded.
Though they took my choco,
i was smiling away.

Sang Hyuon, age 6 of now.
The other teacher kinda slammed the door of the cabinet on his finger.
Hearing fragments of,
"are you okay??"
"don't cry."
I came out of the staff room and i saw Sang Hyuon.
He held out his tiny index finger,
and his face was flushed.
I walked over,
"Sang Hyuon, quen cha na (Are you okay?)?"
He shook his head.
"A po yo (Pain?) ?"
He nodded.
I blew on his blue blacked finger and assured him it's okay.
Pasted a handyplast with mickey on it.
Then before he left for home,
I stretched out my hand and went "Chai ga yo (Bye.)."
He then high-fived me and said, "Chai ga."

Honestly,
i'm having alot of fun,
and i'm enjoying lessons with them,
seriously.
I was still wondering on the first day whether i'll ever miss these kids when they return to Korea,
now i know that i'll miss them for sure.
I thank God,
honestly.
That i had an opportunity such as this.
I'm thankful for His love.

An additional random note,
I found out Aylwin's born in feb too.
And it's 2 days before mine!
Whoa.
Amazed.
He came by wheelock today.
Always doned in a white t shirt,
a pretty childish one today.
Oh well.
He never fail to bring a smile to my face.
=)
With that,
back to my terrible sleep routine.
Assuring everyone,
joc's really tired,
but i'm hanging in there.
Worry not ya?
God's here to support me.

2008-07-29T01:56:00.000+08:00

[month end having you there.. what a blessing..]
[don't worry.. i think u'll be a wonderful teacher..]
[ur love to the kids can make it much easier.]
so assuring were the words of a sister i knew less than 6 months.
I'm thankful for her.
She treats me less of an employee,
more of a friend.
Her words are always so encouraging.
[for you...anything also can...]
I was taken aback to hear that,
to be honest.
Just wana say,
"Prila,
i cannot be more thankful to God for such an understanding manager as you."

A happy note:
Fio's...er hmm..officially someone's. =)
I rejoice over that.
I believe the heavens are too.
In Christ,
they stand.

2008-07-27T04:34:00.000+08:00

Flushed and panicked,
her steps quickened.
She swiftly swerved round the corner.
Headed straight to the counter.
With wisps of short breaths,
she said with a muffled voice,
"Did you see..a...?"

My ears are seemingly ultra sensitive.
I caught wind of it.
As i looked up,
i saw kha gestured towards me,
"Joc..."

She almost scampered over to me...
I got my bum off the seat,
lifted my apron,
fumbling really hard,
realising that my fingers were a lil plump to fit into that tiny side pocket in my jeans.

Her husband, or maybe fiancé,
came alongside.
Looking a lil irritated,
i assumed she must have spent their evening crying and wailing to him,
frantically searching for the very thing that she held so dear to her heart.

Her eyes fixated on me,
scrutinising every part of me where her precious may be.
Almost as if i was performing magic,
i pulled it out.
'cept i didn't say "TA-DA!"
Holding it out with my thumbs and index fingers from both hands,
almost as if i was proposing,
I said with a wide grin,
"Here you go."

I could almost see the tears oozing out from her tear glands.
She was overwhelmed.
While holding it so closely to her heart,
I could hear her voice breaking,
"It's...it's my proposal ring.. Thank you..Thank you Jocelyn."

Her husband/fiancé was relieved at last,
smiling to me, he asked,
"You're Jocelyn ya?"
"Ya.. Hey, no worries about it ya?
You left it on the table,
i wanted to contact the credit card company to reach you,
but i'm glad you came back for it."

His wife/fianceé kept thanking me profusely,
and i just kept assuring that it's really alright.
With much gratitude,
they left.
To a night filled with thankfulness,
i believe.

Nelle and i were sharing.
Well, what if she had really lost the ring?
Did it mean that that may signify the end of their relationship?
Well,
tung and nelle concluded that if that ring was of much importance to her,
why did she even take it off in the first place?
Well,
i'll never know.

11.39pm.
Shutters were down,
everyone was relaxing on the chairs and cushioned seats,
when the silhouette of a couple appeared.
Not ghostly,
just unfamiliar.
Wondering whose friends they were,
i approached them.

"Hey, did you see a wallet that i left behind?"
"Er...where did you sit, sir?"
Pointing,
"There. The seat there."
It was kha again.
He went like,
"Ooh Ooh Ooh...the wallet..."
Roy came to the rescue!
"There, up there in a plastic bag."
Nelle fumbled for it on the upper shelf.

Innocently,
he received his wallet,
with thankfulness.
Roy said,
"You dropped it.
I found it on the floor,
behind the chair."
"Ooh.. i dropped it huh...
thanks...thanks..."

After they left,
kha added,
"Wow. Tonight's a lost and found night huh?"
I giggled.
Smiling in my heart,
i won't deny tonight is one of my most touching nights.
Things that seemingly were lost,
were found.
SADDED to JOY-DED.

Hey bing,
somehow tonight's incidents reminded me of the boy.
The boy who was told of the secret to happiness.
I felt a lesson learnt.

[Hey thanks for being w me.
U gave me courage.]
Hey,
I smiled foolishly in front of this screen the minute i saw it.
You touched my heart,
no doubt.

2008-07-26T03:13:00.000+08:00

Dino-nique.
A new found word by...ME.
haha.
Well,
i've been thinking about our roles as dinosaurs.
We're not only dinosaurs,
but 3 uniquely different dinosaurs.
For now,
i don't really know how to explain it in plain words,
but i find it...
AMAZING.

Talked to fio,
and yah...
I realised why i like talking so much,
which bing wonders at times too..
I tend to spark off some new insights of some sort,
when i share.
As though,
God reveals some things through my conversations.
Things that i never would have thought of,
even if given all the time in the world.
So sisters,
if what i said made sense to you there and then,
sometimes it made just as much sense to me only there and then.

So amazing to learn about love and what God had made us for.
What's more after courtship?
What's more after saying, "I do"?
What's more after intimate sex?
What's more...?

Fio told me something,
something that i was kinda aware of...
but not as conscious of.
Fio: Joc, you open your heart too readily at times...
that's why you end up getting hurt.
Hmm.
Click-ed.
Senseful.

Well,
heard this while watching a documentary.
[Every woman wants one man to satisfy her every need,
but every man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.]

I'm simply very thankful to God,
for the people He brought into my life.
Lessons after lessons.
Somehow,
through others,
He helped me understood the depth of His love.
Deep as an abyss.

1 John 4:19
[We love because He first loved us.]
The very thing that i would long to hear.
At the altar,
i pray that this is the very thing that he will promise me with.
Simple,
yet filled with depth.
Pure bliss, wouldn't it be?

Papa,
i trust in Your divine plan.
Starkingly beautiful, it will be.
I wait in eager anticipation.
No longer striving,
but i'm choosing what's better -
the wait.

2008-07-24T05:22:00.000+08:00

I was talking to pea-sized brain.
He woke me up from my slumber.
Talking to him made us realise one thing -
We're really bless-ed.
Really.

Hearing him say that he'll utter a prayer everytime he passes a church,
amazes me.
He prays that he's thankful for the things that are in his life.
Then,
i wondered.
How many times do i thank Papa for the things i have?
Not many,
consciously.

So funny when he asked me,
"What is love?"
Coincidentally,
the very thing that i've been thinking about all this while.
Me: Well, love is when someone is willing to die for me.
Sean: Unconditional love ya?
Me: ah..yah. *giggles*
That brings me back to 1 Corinthians.

Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perserveres.
Love never fails.

That's the extent of how much God loves me.
He NEVER,
NEVER fails me.
Man can fail me,
but Papa NEVER.

And fio,
gazillion thanks to you.
Thank you for always wanting to stand up for me.
I understand the kinda angst you go through,
when you just couldn't be there to shield me,
then and there.
I'm very touched.
Did i ever say you're my ezer kenegdo?
Okay,
you are my ezer kenegdo.
A help meet.
Well,
it's only for now.
You were made by Papa to be your husband's ezer kenegdo.
I agape you.

If ever,
I were to sacrifice my life in return for anyone's,
it'll be for bing and fio.
I've already told God.
I believed He heard it and remembered it.

Last message received at 4:14am on 7/24/2008.
I had no intentions of being sarcastic.
None at all.
Because she really cares.
And, i am thankful that you cared if you hadn't known.
I really am.
But did you know,
your care was too excruciating for me then?
I had to drown my pain in pools of tears,
but i didn't reject it.
Because i know you knew nothing about it.

I never understood what sparked it all.
Guess it's the dumb msn.
Well,
even not,
we would still argue.
We never seem to get out of this rut of arguments huh?
Guess,
from where we began,
that's where we'll end.

A promise is a debt unpaid.

2008-07-23T03:33:00.000+08:00

The mountains and the plains beckon me.
The freshness of air urges me.
The warmness of the family in Christ welcomes me.
The poverty of that land saddens me.

Three months.

Can i bear to leave for that long?

Me: Fio, but we're gona miss Christmas back home already, are we gona miss new year too?
Fio: Joc ar, it's all gona be worth it.
Hmm...
What's worth it?
Being away doing the work of God?
Ministering and giving all that we can?
I know.
Glorifying God to the uttermost.

The next three months is gona be tough,
but i know God's gona be here,
no matter what.

The first and greatest hurdle -
Daddy and Mummy.

Papa,
only You can know what their responses are.
I'm gona be praying for their responses and my decision to go.
This time,
i will honour them.
I will not defiantly choose to go of my own accord.

I remembered when i told mummy the other time,
i was filled with so much zest.
She,
on the other hand,
was worried sick but succumbed to my heartfelt persuasion.
Well,
in the end,
i stayed back in Singapore.

This time,
if she gives the green light,
it's a GO GO! for me.

Regardless of what people may say,
that it's a hasty decision,
that i'll never fulfill my decision,
yada yada,
my eyes are set on God.

Fio's calling:

"God has placed the world upon your heart."

Mine?

I'm still waiting.

This time,
i'm choosing to only hear the voice of God.
I've accept the calling back then.
Made my choice then.
"Here I am, send me."

Another thing,
A very important thing.
I've shared with many,
heard much and understood the gravity of my choice,
but i'm still going ahead with it.
Peeps,
i'll be doing a diploma in Nursing,
starting next year.
Wondering why?
Ask me, I'll tell.

2008-07-22T05:12:00.000+08:00

Those were pages of the last chapter.
A new chapter is about to begin,
and this time,
the heavenly pen writes it.
Psalms 139.
[All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.]

Papa,
I want You be the Author of this new chapter.
Allow me to love as You have loved.
I have learnt Your love in the harshest circumstances,
in three folds,
from 10,000 pieces to 10 million,
Never once had You given up on me.
Never once was i made to wallow up in my sorrows,
and cried my eyes to a crimson red.

I've waited.
Waited for you to come over and tell me.
You never came,
guess it was never meant to be anyway.
All i ask is that,
there will no longer be any 10 millions again.

[How precious to me are your thoughts,
O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.]
Nobody, no one,
could ever think of me the way You do.

It's coming to a year.
A full year.
Papa,
is this it?
I pray so.
Really.

Feeling superbly indignant about things.
For the first time,
joc seriously felt that being smart in human sense,
is being the stupidest on earth.

I heard a customer said this today,
"Being overly sensitive is being insensitive too..."
I agree to that.

I'm not okay,
but everything will be okay.
[When you only see a set of footprints on the sand, it's because I'm carrying you.]
my comfort is in You, Lord.

If it takes this much to break me to reveal Your glory,
so be it.
If it takes this much to show me Your love,
so be it.
If it takes this much to make me understand Your plans,
so be it.

To my face,
You restore the smile,
of which many have wiped off.
To my eyes,
You paint the brightest rainbows,
to send a glint.
To my nose,
You bring the freshness of air,
leaving me breathless.
To my heart,
You mend the shatters,
restoring me in love.
To my hands,
You place in it faith,
that i may hold on forever.
To my feet,
You bestow upon it readiness,
"Here I am, send me."
To my ears,
You whisper the words,
"I LOVE YOU."

My heart is Your Home, come and reside, won't You?

2008-07-21T04:07:00.001+08:00

I guess i should have been obedient all along..
So heart broken,
so much sadness,
yet so much of everything.

Funny how such pain can be felt,
yet it ain't tangible.
This is so unbecoming.

Papa,
will You take me in, please?
It's so painful to be far from You,
and end up feeling so deserted.

I cannot promise You anything,
for i'm imperfect.
I'm afraid, Papa...
very afraid.
[There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.]
But this i can be sure,
that i'll get over it,
really.

A man is no fool,
to lose what he cannot keep,
to gain what he cannot lose.
Papa,
i cannot lose You,
i really cannot.

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me.

2008-07-20T04:11:00.000+08:00

I'm a lil confused,
honest.
Why do i get stuck in this sort of a dilemma,
most of the time??
It's not that i'll get to choose either or,
it's that i already knew the answer,
yet i'm refusing to choose it.
Maybe when Papa's far from my heart,
my heart loses control.
My heart cringed when i read that.
Hmm,
what did that mean?
Maybe that afterall,
you do matter to me?
Something i heard today seemed to hit the jackpot.
[...is forbidden...]
It ain't really,
but i guess we can't get past our conscious,
that's all.
Guess you probably knew it too,
that explains the restrain.
Don Henley seemed to have expressed my heart thoughts on my behalf.
I'll get over it,
i know i will.
I've been through it,
came out of it,
and became stronger because of it.

I've signed up for Nike+.
A 10km run.
My first 10km run.
I'm really excited.
And when i've completed it,
i'll go up to those who questioned,
"Who says a small girl with not-so-long legs can't run?
I've finished the race.
I've finished my race."
Now that i know aunty has joined too,
it's all the more exciting.
31.8.08
I'm looking forward.

2008-07-19T02:58:00.001+08:00

Potong.
Saw this at the supermarket today.
Instantly,
I took out my phone and captured it.
It was at that moment that i thought of you.
How i laughed at you asking,
"did you wana type that you ate sotong, but it appeared as potong??"
You laughed hard at me...
and said i was the 'potong one'.

I'm thankful for you.
Thankful for the moments that i've found you in the snapshots of my life.
I never fail to tell Papa that i'm thankful for you.
Not one day pass without me thinking about you.
Our lives,
it has written a book,
in my heart.

A random note,
i thought of a name for us.
Dino Bing, Dino Fio and Dino Joc.
A title we bestowed ourselves.
And girls,
the day when we say , "Yes.",
we'll be stripped of that title.
it's both a blessing to own a title such as this,
and to be stripped of it.
Don't be afraid to love and fall in love,
the only regrets is failing to experience either.

5 languages of love.
Words of Affirmation.
Acts of Service.
Gifts.
Touch.
Time.

[To love someone is not loving in the way you think it's love,
to love someone is to understand their language of love,
and to shower them with it. - Anonymous]

My love language is Acts of Service and Touch.

2008-07-18T03:50:00.002+08:00

Today was amazingly great.
Had dinner with fio, kha and ian.

1st stop.
Outback steakhouse.
Great place that allows you to reminisce about aussie.
We had so much fun laughing at everything.
Had a good fulfilling meal that amounted to $165.96.
Then guess where we went?

2nd Stop.
Essential BREW!!!
ian and i were getting so ecstatic for the brownies there...
The kind that is simply piping hot,
soft and fluffy,
chocolatey with choc sauce and chips all over it,
top with their mac nut ice cream,
making your taste buds water when you set your eyes on it,
and simply melting in your mouth when you place a spongy chunk into it,
giving that warm and fuzzy feeling down your oesophagus,
pampering du du to the core,
and making you go "UHMM~"
However,
we were so disappointed when it came.
The brownies were hard like rocks.
I could like throw it against the wall and it's still be in one piece.
We thought it wasn't heated enough,
so we asked it to be piping hot,
but it still came back piping warm.
=/
60 over bucks with 10 bucks discounted.
With sadded hearts,
ian made the most radical suggestion.

3rd stop.
NYDC @ Holland V.
-__________-"
Apparently,
his 'du du' was seeking solace and compensation for the brownie we had.
BONEY CAKE.
Well,
it did made him and us felt better about desserts.
We not only ate desserts,
fio ordered spuds and shiver,
kha, fowl,
ian, boney cake with van i/c,
me and kha, FVEC.
20 odd bucks amounted.

Tell me,
was it a feast for the rich or what??
We spent say... $250 plus in total?
not including cab fare home.

du du and all the other tummys made us moaned and groaned.
I had to carry du du for a distance.
It's the second time that i ever felt so bloated.
Hear my plea.
Never...never go on food sprees...
It drains the spirit out of du du.
'oh my oesophagus...'
'oh..oh my pancreas...'
*tons of laughters*

The greatest laugh of the night:
"today's lunch crowd...
I SAW SOMETHING
I SAW SOMETHING
I SAW SOMETHING
...was good."

Well,
it was a fantastic day.
Really.

In addition,
the day before was one of my most fulfilling shopping spree.
I bought two of my love.
Saved the idea for quite some time and i finally got them.
biggy and holga.
I look forward to enjoying more finest pleasures OF life.

The day before,
it was also mambo night.
So retro-fied.
So much fun,
yet so much booze.
Sipped bourbon coke,
lychee martini,
some lime mixer,
and a few painful mouthfuls of heineken.
Still,
i hate liquor.

i was far from drunk.
but i was inches away from being heartbroken.
so painful to see the sight that i dreaded.
my apologies.
just know that you're not restrained.
you are who you are.
it's the '-NESS' that makes you, you.
the joc-ness that makes me joc.
Subtly,
i knew what it meant...
what you meant.

to fio,
here's something that i adapted from bing's blog some time back.
[a girl has to bury her heart so deep in God,
that he has to go through God to get it.]

the greatest pleasures IN life is doing something that people say you cannot do. - Anonymous

2008-07-16T02:24:00.002+08:00

The biggest blue black i've ever seen on me,
all for my sprained thumby.
Thumby has suffered quite abit.
Guess it was all the "acting sei" that landed it where it is.
The sin seh said that i carried too much heavy things,
and because my joints were a lil 'rusty',
it kinda injured the vein,
the vein that runs from my shoulders,
all the way to thumby.
I saw her took the small round bottle,
I gasped.
Screaming silently into my palms,
then with a quick whiff of the flame,
she placed it on my shoulders.
Seemingly easy and quick...and painless??
I squirmed under the discomfort.
biting onto my lower lips,
seeking release in that.
Then for what seemed like 10000 seconds,
another sin seh came over and released me of my pain.
this was what was left behind.

on a lighter note,
debs' place today was great.
with most of the 'old birds' or so we called ourselves,
we enjoyed each other's presence i would say.
I saw the lengendary Ashlee!
I was so surprised when kha said,
"Joc, you made her speak!"

Apparently,
Ashlee was really shy during Christmas,
sitting alone in a corner,
sinking into retardation mode,
and spoke to no one.
But we both clicked once we met,
and we talked alot.
she even told me about her trip to the zoo just the day before.
Debs conjured,
"Jos, you should really do the childhood thing."
haha.
I was encouraged.

Had my very first jack daniel and chivas today.
Well,
i really thank God that i didn't lose too much playing indian poker,
which would have resulted in shots after shots.
Thank God when i got the joker,
i didn't have to bottoms up either.
Never liked liquor,
never will.

The day ended with a sweet hug and lovely kiss from Ashlee.
In fact,
two sweet hugs and two lovely kisses.
She's an amazing girl,
and i pray that God, You will draw her near to You,
someday, somehow.

2008-07-15T04:30:00.000+08:00

I never knew this would be how things would be.
I guess we're simply two strong headed people.
We don't give in or relent.
I couldn't bring myself to understand,
what's the chemistry between us.
was it made to sow discord between us?
then i hate sciences.

well, it's almost 24 hours since we last talked.
none of us' giving the budge.
hmm...
guess you're alright with it.
i ain't feeling too good about this.
but hey,
i guess you've got better things on hand than to bother yourself with this.

reconcile.
fight.
fall apart again.
i just don't wana put myself through such pain.

yah.
my superhero will come someday...
and wipe the tears off my cheeks saying,
"Everything will be alright."
i await the arrival of such a day.
that he won't be the one making me tear,
but the one who's gona dry my tears.

Papa,
shield me from the world.
hold me in Your arms.
the world has made me teared enough.
i wana be joyful in You again.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

Good bye to the night and Good dawn to the morning.

2008-07-02T04:46:00.002+08:00

while struggling with God over my heart,

i stumbled upon a wonderful love story.

a story so heart wrenching that anyone,

anyone would pray that it only appeared in movies.

Bernard and Grace.

they shared a bond so strong,

it was in Christ.

a true story of knowing "You're the one."

Bernard left Grace.

2 years ago.

Grace moved with, not moved on.

She lived her days,

thinking that it'll be one day close to seeing him again,

than to think that it's been one more day since his accident.

Exerpts of their love.

[He wrote,

"I love you for who you were, who you are... and who you will be....

love, Bernard"

And i wrote below,

"I love you not only for who you are, but who i am when i am with you....

love, Grace"]

Grace's best friend shared this.

[I think, life is very transient.

He could not protect her for the rest of her life,

but he protected her for the rest of his. ]

i teared reading all of it.

it's been 3 hours since i started reading.

i've yet to stop.

but i thought,

i needed to blog this down to remind myself.

to remind myself that God yearns for me to be loved.

by Him and by him.

i was thinking alot about him.

about me.

about us.

i pray that God will help me.

i pray that God will raise me.

from the clouds that shrouds my eyes that i've lost sight of Him.

turning to man for comfort.

turning away from His gentle calling.

i just need time.

please spare me a lil more than usual.

pardon me for cranky speeches.

i need to breathe again.

[Most of all,

i have my hope in Jesus Christ,

a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.]

something Grace has written.

so true that i truly believe,

all's not hopeless.

not that i'll get what i desire,

but i'll desire God.

Papa,

i pray that You'll bring me a lil more of Your grace,

a lil more of Your peace,

that i'll be able to live life,

honouring You,

every hour,

every minute.

As long as i breathe,

i'll speak of You.

Amen.

God, You leave me breathless.

2008-07-01T03:02:00.000+08:00

''it's raining.

pit ta pat ta.
in my room.
my pillows' drenched.
my blankie's my shelter.
the darkness shrouds me.

i'm engulfed.''

sorry.
didn't mean to sound so emo-tic.

today.
i teared.
two drops.
fio had to see it all.

ben was there.
he was next to me.
his shoulders ever present.

2 big news struck me today.
i hate to hear it.
i didn't intend to hear it.
my heart cringes at the thought of it.

Papa,
can You open your arms wide and let me run in and cry?
can You be my heart doctor?
can You take me as i am?
can You break my heart for what breaks Yours?

you were never a mistake. it was my mistake for falling for you.

2008-06-25T03:12:00.005+08:00

whenever i meet up with bing and fio,
the night is filled with endless laughters.
we met on monday.
hilarious.
simply hilarious.
we never leave out cpf plans while we talk huh girls?
amazingly,
God brought me these two lovelys.
to love and be loved.really.

so thankful that i'm never ashamed to bare my <3 to them.
i pray that you both will never leave my life.
i am thankful that they even accepted me for who i am.
thankful that they never left me in the lurch,
to struggle with my flut-flut-fluttering heart. =)

to bing.
3 years have passed.
and i pray that we'll have endless of 3 years to come aye?
laughing with each other.
admiring each other.
and loving each other.
simply because God loves us.

to fio.
we have so often laughed so hard that du du had to suffer at times huh?
and you,
who never fails to assure me that you love me.
that you miss me.
pardon me for not expressing as much.
just know that it ain't any lesser aye?

and from me to you both.
bing may know, fio may not.
but to you both...
from my heart's deepest desire,

'for you, a thousand times over.'

2008-06-24T03:23:00.002+08:00

Dear PaPa,

i pray that You will guard this little heart of mine.
guard it against the one
who made my heart flut-flut-fluttered like a butterfly.
who made my cheeks flushed a rosy red.
who made my ears felt on fire.
who made my palms sweat.
i wana surrender him to You.
i choose to wait for Your best,
as how i've always waited.

In Jesus' name, I pray,
Amen.

2008-06-17T02:52:00.006+08:00

supper routine for du du today.
honestly,
i really wonder which days does he not growl.
and if i weren't born in Singapore,
how would du du ever survive.
thank God for kha.
always and ever present.
our 'mac moments' upgraded.
'BCM' moments now.
hahah.

we talked.
conversed.
thankful that we always share so much.
i heard much, i talked much more.
talked about Christ.
a simple truth dawned upon us,
me especially.
hmm...
God had to place His wrath on someone.
a sacrifice was needed.
God ain't a sadist.
He is holy and just and we're not.
We fall short of His glory.
Entirely.
I guessed He had much angst in deciding this.
Man or Jesus.
In my conversation with kha,
I said that if it was man that God had chosen,
He had to endure each time when someone had to be nailed on the cross to atone for his or her sins.
Well,
fact is,
Jesus was chosen.
the Sacrificial Lamb.
On the cross, it is teleo.
teleÑw - teleo
[It is finished.]
once and for all.
our sins were apecho.
a)peÑxw - apecho
[Paid in full.]
in return, we now stand redeemed.
if we still feel bondaged in our lives,
it ain't because Jesus hadn't redeemed us fully,
it's because we hadn't let Him reigned in our lives fully.

Imagine one day,
i decided to pay for your meal and wanted no returns for it, you would be so embarrassed, wouldn't you?
you'll try all means to repay,
somehow or rather,
even when i refuse.
Jesus paid for our lives,
and yet...
our lives,
we scorned,
we mocked,
we hated.
We even blame Him for the plight we're in sometimes,
when, in fact,
it was us who has landed ourselves where we are, always.
we even doubted.
never close to believing that He had done what He did,
to save us.
Save us from a death so cruel,
that Jesus Himself feared.
Plus,
we scarcely thought of wanting to repay Him with our lives.

i was encouraged.
by Lucas.
by Anthony.
by Kha.
by Aylwin.
i was still wondering if i was living life with Christ in me.
they affirmed me.
knowingly and unknowingly.
Lucas.
[...if theres one thing i wanna say..you remind me of Jesus...]
[ ...i didnt compliment you just to make you happy..
but i've seen the little acts you do..
i noe you as the little girl with a loud voice..
with a louder passion for God =D]
hearing this from a non-believer is so assuring.
honest.
Kha.
[joc..how do you find the energy to keep smiling all day..?
maybe because you prayed.
it must be it!
that's why.]
Anthony.
[er..why do you smile so much..
everytime i see you, you're smiling...]
It was only my second time working with Antho.
He came up and talked to me and all.
He shared more than what i would expect from him.
Aylwin.
i barely known him for 2 weeks.
He seemed to have known me for 2 years.
the trust he placed in me...
the way he acknowledges my presence.
the way he's always there to give me his support,
even though it's the other way round most times.
a great manager indeed.

i saw you today.
my heart fluttered like a butterfly.
my cheeks flushed a rosy red.
my ears felt as if they were on fire.
i didn't talk to you.
but you being there made my palms sweat.
serious.
i didn't know why.
i...
i don't wana know why.

2008-06-12T01:16:00.003+08:00

Today.
Lydia, my baby sister,
fell sick.
ran a high fever of 39.4
honestly,
i was really worried.
really scared.
i did all i could,
cool her down with a cold towel,
fed her paracetamol,
made her dried scallop porridge,
(which mummy was like
"wha...so hao ming.." - good life.)
told her i couldn't find the right piece of meat.
and i couldn't wait for it to thaw,
so scallop it was.

dengue was suspected.
i ain't sure.
gona monitor her till tomorrow,
if the heat persist,
"doctor, here we come!"
she managed a laugh when she tried to lie down,
and the thermometer fell out of her armpit,
and into her shirt.
she was laughing and searching for the therm at the same time.

as she lay to sleep,
i looked at her...
my heart cringed.
it's just a fever,
yet i felt so much.
guess my baby sister really matter more to me than i really knew.

Father,
i pray that baby will recover under Your healing hands,
because the med fees will be an additional burden to the family.
so i pray with my lil faith,
and i'll put my trust in You.
In Jesus' mighty name,
Amen.

2008-06-10T05:56:00.000+08:00

Finally my last entry for the morning.

phew.

it was a day out with my dear chuah.

she missed me much.

haha.

the day was real bad when the flu bug kept bugging me.

when i met her,

it got worse.

well, to heeren we went.

i had a great time with her sneezing away.

my pile of flu bug.

we went on shopping and all.

i love her company.

so she asked...

chuah: joc, so fio work in the cold kitchen huh?

so it's cold kitchen and hot 'chicken'?

*burst out laughing*

so second round we went.

desserts.

look what fio got us.

huge ice cream.

to top it off,

lucas paid it all.

blessed night.

2008-06-10T05:21:00.002+08:00

June 06.
it was the night that i was being pillioned.
from work all the way back home.
Roy,
my rider.
it was zeee cool.
honest.
just inspired me so much more to get a bike license.
we went on the highway.
the singapore flyer and the city view just wow-ed me.
went onto ECP.
he went at a speed that was safe.
it didn't scare me.
but he went from 100 - 120,
when he saw a reckless taxi driver.
the ride,
it was real cool.
i enjoyed it and i guess...
i'm addicted to being pillioned.

2008-06-10T05:19:00.000+08:00

A Yakult a Day,

Keeps Du Du healthy always.

been reading the kite runner these days too.
something sweet picked up some time ago.
i begin my day with a bottle of yakult, the kite runner,
as i head to work each time.
praying that i'll serve men as though i was serving Christ.
so i did.

June 05.
kha and i popped by heeren to pick fio up from work.
jerry called.
said he'll pick us up to head for bcm.
fio knew and was whining as it was too far for her.
in the end, somehow or rather,
we were headed for newton circus.
had a great time chatting with aylwin while waiting.
in jerry's car...
fio was zeee high!
our feast.
du du was once again satisfied.

bbq fowl play

sugar cane juice
this was our first portion.
hokkien mee
this was our second portion.

with du du full and all,

we headed to geylang.

fio said, "been there, done that."

*explosion of laughters*

done what?

hahah.

then we headed to shipyard road.

we saw the oil refinery plant.

amazing it was.

really.

any engineer's playground, i would say.

blessed day out with fio, kha and jerry.

2008-06-10T04:33:00.001+08:00

June 04.
It was daddy's birthday.
i sleep at like 5am.
woke up at 7am.
chiong-ed my way through and made daddy breakfast.
just egg-wich with a cup of kopi-o gao.
thick coffee that is.
i waited till daddy got up and ate it and left for work.
then i slipped back to lalaland,
smiling.

my mess...
but i got it cleaned up in a jiffy.
and jumped right in to bed.

my trusty toaster and microwave.

they never fail me.

then i woke up to have breakfast with mummy.
guess what mummy told me.
she gestured as she said,
"daddy took the chance when i was heading to the loo and pointed,
grinning a grin so wide, to the egg-wich that you made for him."
i, too, was grinning.

SUSHI

2008-06-10T04:06:00.001+08:00

June 2nd.
sushi buffet it was.
to feed du du.
zul had to crave for sushi so much,
that du du obliged..willingly.

when du du's hungry,

it'll oblige to anything.

yah according to him,
we had 10000 plates.

zul is a good photographer.
i'm amazed.
honest.
he took sushi.
i took bcm.
short for bar chor mee.
didn't turn out too bad for me.
i enjoyed my lunch with zul,
so did du du.

glad i met up with jas for bcm,
though du du was finally crying,
"i'm full!!!!"
i thank God for jas.
hmm.
we had a great time simply with each other.
it has been so long since i last remember.
but i thank God we're good friends now.
really.

2008-06-10T03:21:00.002+08:00

Fio has done it again.

cracking us up at work.

silly her...

really...

i was busy refilling the condiments when she looked at me and burst out.

was wondering why,

when she answered my doubt.

fio: joc, parmesan has a new surname.

parmesan CHEE.

*bursts of laughters*

went back to refilling as she told others about it.

then she went on again.

fio: joc, the chilli flakes are rather cold.

*i turned the tub and looked at the label*

*exploded in laughters*

2008-06-10T03:16:00.002+08:00

Pardon me seriously,
for the lack of updates.
loads of it i have.
but i was testing out the new blogskin.
put in a lil effort.
still trying to get the hang of it.
i love it.
just wondered was it reader-friendly.
i'll keep it up for a few fays.
if it isn't,
let me know aye.
i'll change the fonts.
so here's my string of updates.

GRADUATIOn!

2008-05-30T02:42:00.002+08:00

well peeps,

29th May 2008.

Joc has officially graduated.

with a diploma in Marine Engineering.

with a merit in God's faithfulness in my life.

3 years.

God was with me throughout.

He still is, in my life.

graduation was the end of one chapter,

and the beginning of another.

nostalgic yet so much fun.

God, i'm missing.

real sweet of vel and ben to be there for my grad.

my sweeties.

i was the 2nd jocelyn chua, the 4th jocelyn out of 5 for the ceremony.

honestly, i was attempting to open the scroll on stage. failed attempt.

mummy and me

lin, alvin, alvin's daddy and mummy, anto. my mini class. nah.
sweet vel and me. she's always so pretty.
hmm..who towers over joc joc more? jason or alvin?choy and us.
sarah and me with our heads held high.alvin's always behind. because he is THAT tall.
met my ex-neighbor. like directly 2 floors above me.
met nic. whoa. missed him.
the redang days. craZy bunch.
we all looked so grown up. not in terms of height. rather, i meant age.

sweet and me.she got cheeky.
officially graduated. it's an empty scroll by the way.

2008-05-27T01:49:00.004+08:00

my heart is filled with thankfulness.

thankful to God for many things.

for people,

for work,

for customers.

hear this if you're a customer:

i appreciate you for acknowledging my presence when i bring you in.

i appreciate you for smiling at me when i take your orders.

i appreciate you for being patient when you see me handling other customers.

i appreciate you for acknowledging me when i refill your cups.

i appreciate you for asking me whether i have had my dinner.

i appreciate you for understanding that it gets busy and things get messed up sometimes.

i appreciate you for smiling at me saying, "whoa, you had a busy day huh.."

i appreciate you for flashing me that grin when i went the extra mile.

i appreciate you for writing sweet comment cards to appreciate me.

i appreciate you for you were brought to me by God to brighten up my day.

these are moments when i love my part time job.

sincerely.

God was and is faithful.
i couldn't be more than blessed.

He gives and takes away,

but my heart will choose to say,

"Lord, Blessed be Your Name."

headed out with uncle paul today.

he told me a handsome young lad was coming along.

so i sms-ed him.

"well, i'm on my way at eunos.

and have you met up with your friend,

the handsome young lad?"

well...

turned out it was ian.

hahah.

felt cheated for a split second,

but i got over it as soon as it began.

haha.

appreciation can mean alot to people.

really.

well, to me too.

i can have the bluest mondays,

and the blackest tuesdays,

yet when someone appreciates me,

i can fly to the moon......

haha.

well apparently,

i kinda realised...

this is how God encourages me for the day,

if i'm working that is.

i won't get to see the magnificent nature He created in that tiny small cafe,

which would reflect His love for me.

it is simply the smiles on the customers' faces.

well, this is how He shows me He loves me.

it's more than the 'thank you' smile.

it's like the 'whoa..i really thank you for going the extra mile for me' smile.

it's really different.

and when i worked with that kinda joy,

it simply exudes.

from deep within.

because i was thankful to God.

all the time.

2008-05-24T03:49:00.000+08:00

[sunlight is God's glory - mira]

well,
today i worked full shift.
it wasn't the full shift that i dreaded.
it was a whole lot of something else.
it was busy,
yet people weren't all that nice.
apparently,
i've got to see the very truth,
the truth that people worked for money.
'i get paid this much,
i do this much' mentality.
and why must sarcasm fill the air..
was that how people should communicate?
so senselessly..
maybe ya..
it was communication.
it wasn't conversation.
'i get my point across' - the end.
disappointment filled my heart.

at points,
i was at the brink of tears,
yet i was not comforted by men.
Daddy was there.
my heart turned from mourning to joy.
whiffs of peace and joy came by as i thought of Jesus.
He was humiliated.
He was mocked.
He was beaten.
He endured.
[Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men,
so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. - Hebrews 12:3]
i was reciting this to myself as i worked.
it was liberating.
God had comforted me when i needed it so.
i was angry.
i wanted revenge.
but i unclenched my fists,
and told myself,
"i choose to love."
and so i did.

i can't remember when was the last time when i looked at you,
and you made me smile.
time felt as though it was further than a mile..
but i recounted countless of times when i looked at you,
and i had tears running down, ruining my very smile.
my heart was painful,
and forgiveness was needful.
faith, hope and love,
with the above,
God taught me to love.
I was very glad,
that my heavenly Dad,
went the extra mile,
to restore my very smile.

HAPPY anniversary

2008-05-20T01:41:00.005+08:00

19th may 2008.
our 3rd year anniversary.
i'm really amazed.

sweet and i had a wonderful time together.

it has been so long..

it felt like the good ol'days.

no expensive fare,

nor extravagant spending.

simply each other.

she told me,

"it doesn't matter where we go..

as long as we're together,

it's good enough."

mushy aye...

it's ours to say.

brought her to togi.

korean restaurant.

CM-ers,

they serve barley tea there.

korean tea.

the brown tea you drank during beggars'.

amazing.

much memories.

the fare was simple.

it was filling.

we talked about our jobs..

we were like grown ups.

our fare at togi.

these were only the sides.

headed to ps.

went arcading.

haha.

basketball high score - 043.

our best out of 3 tries.

went on the mario go karts.

laughing our hearts out as we chiong-ed.

next,

we strolled to heeren.

shared with sweet about the place,

the people, the hospitality.

well, beneath that,

she was texting fio about me.

zul came to serve us.

told him,

"i'll beep you once i wana order."

haha.

insider joke.

"can i have solid gold, with erm..a lil extra ice cream..

and and...er..an irish cream elephanccino."

yah..i asked for a lil extra ice cream..

here's what i got.

courtesy from zul, dennis and zen.

sweet. =)

sweet and i had our girls' talk.

laughing as though the world was just me and her.

i think she's funny.

she thinks she's funny too.

hahaha.

potong.

i missed her the minute we parted.

like how we always do.

well,

bill came.

shocker.

courtesy from eddie.

i was blessed beyond blessed.

oh by the way,

i found 24 bucks while clearing my table of hong baos in the afternoon.

God has indeed blessed me.

long story why.

after the trip to the loo,

sweet and i parted.

eddie invited me to take the transport instead.

i was once again blessed.

sweet.

a poem i wrote for her.

well,

this potong didn't realise it was one.

hahah.

until i told her.

she read it when she reached home,

sms-ed me..

[Okay la. I read it ..n e words really rhymes....]

haha.

told you she's funny.

we exchanged our gifts.

well, her gift..

er...i'll show it to you if i'm wearing it that day.

*shys*

she's gona use my book as...

"Practice Smile book".

haha.

just like mine.

a book where i write the things that cheers my heart.

a book where i write stories that makes me smile.

in it i wrote,

"And with this,

i'll dedicate my smiles to God and honour him with my smile. =)"

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY, SWEET.

2008-05-19T02:40:00.003+08:00

88 posts on this blog to this date.
11 posts on my previous blog.
this...
will be exactly the 100th post.
rad.
=)

yest at work,
we had our usual supper feast.
then debs slipped,
dropping the mug she was holding.
whoa...
it smashed into pieces.
so i helped to sweep up the pieces.
then out of the blue,
my phone rang.
fio picked it up.
fio: hello..aunty ar?
me: (looked at her bewildered.)
fio: joc, i think it's your mum.
me: huh..orh (reaching for the phone.)
me: hello, mummy ar..
mystery person: why never pick up the phone?
me: huh?
mystery person: why never pick up the phone?
me: huh?
mystery person: why fio never pick up her phone..
i called her so many times..
me: OH!!!!! aunty ar....you're looking for fiona ar..wait ar..
me: FIO!!!!! it's your mum lar..what my mum..
fio: oh mummy ar....
all of us at the dinner table burst out laughing..
fio mistook her mum for my mum.
well, because fio didn't hear her phone ringing,
so her mum called me instead.
after she hanged up,
i was like,
"fio.. mummy don't speak to me in english.
so when your mum went like 'why never pick up the phone?'
i was like...this isn't mummy, not my mummy.
mummy speaks chinese to me."
haha.
it was a hilarious night.
super funny.
so fio,
now you know...
english speaking mum ain't joc joc's mummy.
hah.
my mummy speaks chinese to me.

i had oatmeal raisin.
clamhead told me that he bought some.
asked me if i wanted.
of course.
how could i ever reject oatmeal raisin.
2 oatmeal, 1 white chip mac nut.
clamhead said,
"i saw that you were working,
so i bought it for you,
thinking that you may want it."
my goodness.
so sweet of him..
to remember me.
to remember it's oatmeal raisin.
fio and ela came in and took chunks of it.
clamhead was like worried.
"faster eat it up, before they finished it."

i ate it with bliss even though there was only half of it left.

i'm so blessed by this friendship.

simply because God has blessed me much.

told clamhead that i was thankful for him.

i love to see him.

his presence always cheers me up.

most times,

i feel more secured when he's around.

because i know,

he stands by me.

even though sometimes,

he laughs at me too..

but he stands by me.

just like fio.

debs was back to her teasing again.

fio stood up for me.

then and there,

i felt so strong.

because i had my sister there who stood up for me.

for who i am.

she didn't join in the rest to laugh at me.

she defended me.

indeed.

fio,

was an ezer kenegdo.

a warrior in Christ.

i thank God for her defense.

that debs knows that,

we,

as sisters,

support one another.

God, i thank you that i was protected.

You've protected me, through fio.

God,

You always...

always take my breath away.

2008-05-18T06:28:00.000+08:00

i believe true love exists...
and always will...

2008-05-15T02:59:00.001+08:00

headed out with fio, sean and jus.

as always,

fio and i always feel we're bringing a bunch of monkeys out.

guess we gave the zoo an off day.

fio and i headed down to nyp before that.

the lm was simple,
but it spoke.

somehow or rather...

one way or another...

God had His words to us in there.

we left with convicted hearts.

sarang hae yo.

my guide.

i'll draft it out.

then we met the monkeys for dinner.
pardon me..

but they get really loud and rowdy.

haha.

after the meal,
we headed to the loo.

and guess what?

i'll use pictures to illustrate the drama that happened.

look at the toilet sign. typical aye?
look at where the arrow points to - right ya?

this was the left side.

this was the right side.

Question:

which is the toilet?
(a) the left side

(b) the right side

if your answer is (b),

congrats.

because you have a brain bigger than pea size.

well,

apparently,
fio looked at the sign and turned left.

she didn't really saw what was on the left side.

she was busy looking at her phone and walked on,

till i called out to her.

when she looked up,

she saw the rack of flip flops.

i asked,

"fio, don't you know where the toilet is?

the arrow points RIGHT."

we both burst out laughing..

well she did see the sign.

girl - left

guy - right

but she left out the arrow.

smarrrt......

guess because we brought a big size guy with a pea size brain.

after some interaction,

fio caught the same brain frequency from him.

thankfully i didn't receive it.

guess i wasn't within the height range to receive it.
*smiles*

22 minutes of my life

2008-04-21T02:38:00.002+08:00

work starts at 12.30pm.
12.00pm - woke up abruptly
12.03pm - hopped into the shower
12.08pm - got out of the shower
12.11pm - blow dried my hair
12.17pm - got to the lift
12.19pm - got to the roadside
12.22pm - got into a cab

amazing aye?
don't ask how i did it.
you never wana know..
haha.
upon reaching,
my punch card reflected,
12.38pm.
because our punch clock was 7 minutes slow.
thank God.
breathlessly, i said,
"hello anba..."
with a smile he said,
"better late than never."
never had that 4 four words been more comforting than this.
i thank God for anba.

i'm happy today.

2008-04-20T03:56:00.003+08:00

[vincent day is happy day.]
haha.
seriously.
worked today..full shifted.
worked with anba in e day,
it was super fun too.
haha.

anba.
after working with him for a few days,
he's really nice,
just a lil (maybe not just a lil) on the vulgar side.
and crude side.
haha.
hilariously crude.

vincent.
worked with him twice.
i boldly exclaimed,
"VINCENT DAY IS HAPPY DAY!"
super funny guy.
dons on a pair of orange adidas to work everytime!
haha.
and he calls me "jo"
haha.
just like josel.
she calls me that too. =)

i prayed as i worked today.
i prayed as i did cashier today.
God was indeed amazing.
at the end of the day,
vincent calculated,
i watched him by the side,
short of $3.12.
panicked a lil.
then God reminded me of a credit card transaction i did that was 3 odd dollars.
hastily looked for it.
found it in the stash.
printed on the transaction.
$3.12.
it was exact.
Our God is a God of precision.
praise Him.

4 funny and happening incidents today.

#01
i was gona bring soup to table 30.
stopped over at station B,
fio and siti were there,
so i asked,
"pepper please!"
both,
took the pepper and handed 2 bottles of pepper to me at the same time.
anba was there.
he giggled.
10 ladies seated at table 33-37,
looked at us,
and giggled.
fio, siti and me,
laughed out loud!
hahaha.

#02
i wrote an order.
shouted to kha,
"one chic pie please!"
(we sell chicken pie,
we write it in short form 'chic pie')
anba heard.
giggled.
when the chicken pie was done,
anba said,
"Na, your 'CHIC PIE'!"
me, "so was that why u giggled eariler on?"
anba, "er.yah.in our chic pie, we don't serve chicken meat..."
me, thinking,
(huh..really meh?? but i've seen chicken meat inside before.)
anba, "...we serve 'chick' meat only, not chicken meat."
-_-"
hahahhahah.

#03
at roughly 6 plus,
dinner crowd usually starts coming in..
i was assigned to do cashier.
on the sheet where our roles were stated,
" $ - JAWS (with a fin of a shark above it)
Host - Ela
A - Siti
B - Fiona
Runner - Zhi Hao"
$ = cashier = jaws = jocs
anba said,
"'JAWS, it's time to go to your 'sea'"
his 'sea' meant 'C' for cashier.
-_-""
so you know aye...
anba designated the roles.
HAHAHAH

#04
i was doing cashier already.
then vincent came in.
stood beside me.
ate beside me.
worked beside me.
that's beside the point.
a customer came and ordered take away.
i took the money,
and counted the change.
then tip-toed and stretched out my hands straight,
to return her her change.
"hi, here's your change."
upon seeing that,
vincent said,
"i think i should invest in a stool for you."
WAHHHHHH!!!!
His mind is corrupted by all the emo people who work at nydc.
how could he...
such an innocent manager,
said something that...that everyone else always use,
to tease me...
i shared the incident over the dinner table,
everyone had a good laugh...
at me...and with me...
yah.
and sher had to harp on the fact that i can't see the road ahead,
if i sit in the driver seat.
everyone had their second dose of laughter.
or maybe,
it was already the 10th dose.
HAHAHA

[there are two kinds of laughters.
one where others laugh at you.
the other, where others laugh with you.]

i've gone through much times like this.
but i've long accepted who i am.
that i seriously could laugh with them.
i don't feel offended.
the size 5,
short,
cute,
girl with a 'du du'.
haha.
maybe, you'll cut the cute,
but you can't deny that sometimes.
haha.
and i thank God, i am who i am.
one phrase i heard,
[...it meant that I am Jocelyn.]
I am Jocelyn.
not that it matter if there's thousands more,
who has the same name as me.
others may confuse,
God never will.
He knows I am Jocelyn.

thank God for them.

2008-04-18T03:59:00.000+08:00

worked at heeren today.
so thankful that even though it was boring most parts,
i enjoyed my time with jamil, lucas, amanda individually.
God was faithful to carry me through,
even though i forgot to commit the day into His hands.

at the end of my shift,
i heard a loud, "annyong ha se yo!"
fio, it was.
she came into the kitchen and hugged me.
"po gu ship po yo (i miss u)", she exclaimed.
i was touched.
really.
because the day before,
she said she'll head home straight after work at wheelock.
but here she was.
her hugs were always so comforting after a long day.
she added, "someone else is here! Mr See is here too."
immediately, i ran out.
hahah.
i was doubly touched to see sher.
told him,
"didn't you see..i was so excited when i saw u...
like how i would be when i see dark chocolate."
(poor analogy, but still..)
then he said, "Just like a kid." -_-"
so i guess...
this is called..er..childlike joy?
the kind of joy that was exuded was simple.
and sweet.
it's a joy that, i believe,
only God can enable in my heart.
i was smiling because my heart was.

then afterwhich,
kha offered to wait for me.
i was triple-ly touched.
he was tired after a long day at ngee ann poly,
yet he still said,
"if you take bus, i'll go to raffles to wait for you,
if you take train, i'll wait at city hall for you."
touched once again.
then as usual,
we had our mac moments after we reached tampines.

i was really thankful to see familiar faces at the end of the day.
honestly, i couldn't be more touched.
that fio and sher walked down,
from wheelock to heeren,
just to accompany me for that few minutes before we parted ways to head home.
and kha,
lunging ping guo and a whole lot of barang barang,
waited for me to head home together.

it's little gestures like this that really showed me,
that God's grace is really sufficient for me.
really.
that i am loved.
that i am worth it all.

i have gone through rough patches with some people lately.
i always wondered what went wrong exactly.
sometimes,
i blame myself.
but yet,
our Father is so full of mercy and grace,
that He used other people to reflect His love for me,
it's everlasting,
to tell me that, "hey, it's okay to not be okay."
i really do not have to be perfect to be accepted.
i am already accepted by the Most High God.
what more can i ask?

Bangkok trip

2008-04-17T16:39:00.004+08:00

Here are photos from my Bangkok trip.

vel, ng, ben and me

the spectrum of light was amazing.
u see 'du du'? i see 'du du'. look at the orange cab!!

we had grilled sotong first thing for breakfast.

remember F4.

our dinner at a roadside stall.

old school fanta.
the chuppa chups is huge!
ride back on tuk tuk
breakfast at Chatuchak weekend market.
hugging a huge pillar at siam paragon
old school A&W
float in drafted root beer

ng with a huge can threatening to topple over her
2nd night at the cinemas watching 3D animation.
2nd night at the massage parlour
us on the cruise. glamorous night.
together with ben.

ben's friend, ewe, joined us.
the Grand Palace.
bridge over calm waters
Wat Arun's behind us.

Wat Arun (The Temple of Dawn)
Amazing aye?

the Dome. 63 storeys up.

toilet in the Dome. grapefruits' growing in there. smells heavenly.
ben and me
glamour night.

look at the price. actually about S$150 odd. ben paid it all!
i like the film canisters
our last day out! look at the traffic behind us!!
love this shot.
ben's random shot.
ben's really tall, i feel.

best shot amongst all attempted jumps.

ben took those shots.
ben and vel's only shot. i took this one.

wondered if it was the jumpers' fault or the cameraman's fault.

the brown and the shades.
dunkins' before we left.
Bangkok international airport

Blizzards before our flight.

remembered F4?
squeezed up yet smiling for the cam.
goodbye Bangkok.

random stories.

2008-04-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

#01
it took shu and us one friday a long time ago,
almost an hour,
i guess,
to realise what we wanted.
er...
i would mean..
to realise how we related to each other wasn't what we perceived it to be.
so i was the kind who wants to tell my whole life out,
and in response would expect the same from anyone,
including her.
she was the kind who wants others to ask her questions about her life,
so that she would share,
including me.
i finally understood her heart,
and she, mine.
praise God.

#02
the next day was saturday.
i was taking the cab home with alex and boy after work.
i was the last to get off.
sweetly,
the uncle started to talk to me when i was the only one left.
reaching my block,
me: uncle, you don't have to turn in, just stop at the bus stop in front.
uncle: okay. er..i have this bad habit. that if a girl is alone, i'll make sure she gets into the lift.
me: (a lil apprenhensive) oh er okay.
so i pointed out to uncle where the lift was.
apparently the lift was blocked by the wall from the view where the cab was,
so uncle couldn't see.
uncle: it's okay. you walk to a spot where it's safe, then wave to me.
me: okay. (so touched =) ).
so happily, i got off the cab,
walked through the shelter and turned back,
waved goodbye at uncle,
then he drove off.

#03
i went to wes's home to bring him blueberry cake.
18 cakes altogether.
for his birthday.
after that, i walked along a pavement back to the station.
clouds were gathering, thunder was rolling.
ominous sky it was.
i was talking to kha on the phone.
in the midst of a hearty conversation,
a crackle of the thunder and
the line got cut off.
i went like,
"hello hello?? kha,can u hear me?? hello?"
so i quickly redialled kha and said,
"the lightning must have cut us off.."
kha replied, "yah..i went like 'hello? hello? did the lightning strike u, joc??'"
-_-" stupid kha.

#04
at nydc wheelock,
it was after work when we sat down for a meal.
fio asked, "izhar, do you know what is 'tau pok?'"
izhar replied, "'pork' i know, 'tau' i don't know."
HAHAHAHA

#05
at nydc heeren,
lucas and i were cleaning up the tables together.
then a customer waved his hand at us,
signalling us over.
i signalled lucas to go on and take their orders.
lucas is a trainee by the way.
lucas: you go, i see.
me: (shaking my head) no no no.. you go, i see.
we agreed and walked over.
customer: hi, can we have a fork please??
HAHAHAHA

#06
at nydc heeren,
this guy has his name official.
Spade.
He was chewing something apparently..
then he told fio and me that he's trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem.
seeing him so concentrated,
i really thought it was for real that he can do it.
then he asked if i wana try.
shyly, i rejected..
but he said, "try try..for fun.."
a coldsider said it's impossible,
no one has done it before.
but still, we both tried.
in the midst of trying very hard,
i prayed.hmm.
wondered why too.
then with some twist and turn of my tongue muscle,
i took the cherry stem out.
there it was - a knot.
showed it to fio, uncle paul,
and Spade.
He was pretty surprised,
"Wha..you really did it ar?"
i smiled.
then a few minutes later, he told me,
"i did it too..wait..you go serve customer first, come back i show u."
i came back and asked him to show me.
he spat out a mash of the cherry stem and
proudly said, "i bet you can't do this huh.."
-_-" funny Spade

absence...i hate it.

2008-04-16T23:39:00.002+08:00

was having a conversation with fio yest.
we talked about many things.
"absence makes the heart fonder.."
i find it harder to believe this statement already.
i feel somehow, otherwise.
absence makes us grow away from each other.
the initial days may seem that we're missing each other intensely.
however, as days goes by,
the heart just found itself in the new place.
oh well.
so i would say, i hate our absence.
it doesn't make our hearts grow fonder,
it seemed to have created the distance between us.
let me tell u this.
i want to see u.
i want to be next to u.
i miss u,
my best friend.

leaving on an airplane

2008-04-04T03:33:00.003+08:00

well,
in another 2 hours and 57 minutes,
i'll be leaving on an airplane.
bangkok.

i'm pretty comfortable about this trip.
i wonder why...
i thank God that He has provided this break.
and tog with ng, ben and vel,
the people i've shared half my life with,
this trip would be one of its kind.

sweet of sean, sher, uncle paul and bing to send their regards.

one simple request:
God, i pray that i'll meet you there everyday. Amen.

2008-03-25T02:56:00.002+08:00

2.56am now.
i can't sleep again.
wondering if it's the coffee.
haha.
shoots.
realised the liquor i'm drinking is coffee liquor.
sian-ed.

i realised i'm allergic to alcohol.
my entire body has red patches all over.
it ain't just my face.
freaky.
oh well.

someone's been really nice.
even though i've not been nice to someone.
well,
someone's there most of the time.
someone gives in to my whine.
someone is a good friend.
indeed.
someone is sherwin.
he's really nice, i would love to boast of that.
and he...
is simply a good friend.

i'm missing bing, fio, jas, kha, ong ji, shin goon, chin gu, phebs, di, jian hao, shei pin.
oh well.

gona force myself to slip into lalaland.
ciao~

I'm back!

2008-03-24T04:26:00.003+08:00

Heyo all.
i know i've been MIA-ing from my blog.
seriously, i do not know from where should i begin again.
haha.
things have been off to a rough start right after i graduated.
rough start meaning,
1)God was practically out of my life for quite a length of time.
2)I was aimless about my life
3)I've been remaining stagnant in my current status quo.
4)Lazy-ness fills me to sum it all.

Well,
i've decided..
no more wellowing in self pity or expect sympathy.
there's a cost in everything we do.
so cost of my laziness - emptiness even when i'm in a relationship with God.

Headed out with ben, ng, chuah yesterday.
with them, i feel most comfortble.
it feels like we're family.
serious.
i'll do things that i'll do in front of my family when i'm with them.
that's how comfortable i am with them.

Taking turns to share our lives in 'Chap Chan Teng',
i particularly took note of what ng shared.
a rough message she heard on Good Friday:
[The way God loves us is different from the way
*'i lubb u, u lubb me' kind between a guy and a girl.
You know when you marry,
at the church,
before the cross,
you'll say,
*'i lubb u, u lubb me foreva',
but after some time in your marriage, you'll say,
'I hate you', and your other half says,
'I hate you too.'
Then when you both hate each other,
you'll say, (pardon me aye..)
'Go to hell.'
Your other half will then say,
'You go first.']
Interesting.
*Exaggeration on my part

And together with that,
a few more stories to hear of the saving grace of Christ,
Ian, vel's husband,
received Christ.

My heart pulsated.
(which heart doesn't..haiyo..allow me to sound a lil more..poetic?)
I wondered which it was.
The joy of knowing he has received Christ,
or the joy of witnessing God's grace and mercy once again.
hmm.
i believe it was both.

i kept telling God,
"I miss You."
yet..
i was pretty much preoccupied with the world at hand to return to Him.
serious.

God must have waited.
He didn't have to wait another 4 years. (next leap year: 2012)
I'm coming home.
Recognising only His side is where i rest, secure.
where my heart finds home.
my <3 had fleeted and was kinda stucked in a roundabout,
till it found a corner to rest.
Honestly, it would never be possible to find a corner in a roundabout.
but with God,
i found it.
senseless it seems,
but i'm serious.

I've always heard of testimonies that goes,
"once i've started with God, i've never LOOKED BACK."
hmm..
honestly,
i've never really asked myself if i looked back.
i will decide.
i will tell of my decision once i'm sure of it.
i WILL and not i MUST.

Yes.
and i definitely believe in fully understanding that my security lies in Christ.
really.
others have ran me down,
laughed at me,
commented certain things about me..
Yes.
I feel terrible about myself sometimes.

but here's what i've grown to learn.
[We are who we are. God made us unique and special.]
what's MORE,
[By saying mean things about how each of us look,
shows that we're mocking God's creation in each of us.]
Unique.
Special.
No one's like me.
I'm like no one else.
This truth...
it's embedded into my heart.
thankful, I am.

2008-02-11T18:15:00.000+08:00

To year 3s,
i'll be using my blog as an announcement board..
sorry..
but it's pretty tough getting responses through sms-es.
so..yup..
you can reply me via my tagboard, or sms-es(again..)
and,
my apologies for the cancellation of the trip.
safety first.
singapore's it, for now. =)

To my blog readers,
sorry for the lack of updates..
been..ermm..
busy..
busy with my dramas lately,
thus explaining the lack of updates.. =)

so...
any plans for the holidays, peeps?
so far,
ong ji wants to go kbox,
corny wants to do spa, paintball, reality counter strike,
fio wants to sun tan,
bing wants to shop,
me...i wana see you guys.. =)

let me know if you guys have any plans on mind.
we'll plan it ya?
it does take an effort to meet up now..
but i pray that we'll spend time,
together. =)

2008-01-17T13:22:00.000+08:00

Yesterday,
was a day out with...
sam
sean
justin
fio
bing
me.

it was jus's birthday.
i'm glad we've got to spend it with him.
guess it meant alot to him.

Fio and i got him a music box,
without a box..
hmm.hah.
it's okay.
i'll get a picture of it next time.

so we met up.
sam drove.
headed to hard rock.
dinner was great.
desserts were just as great.
then came the time...
jus was made to stand on the bar top.
[can you sing me a birthday song?]
he had to shout across the floor and ask everyone to sing him a song.
we all did.
was it over?
not close.
he had to blow the candle off his sundae,
using an extended straw...
in between his legs.
so he kinda had to bend over.
well,
then the hard rock guy
plunged the sundae into jus' face.
it was so much fun...

sean,
well he, kept saying,
"i never laugh..i never laugh.."
well,
he was laughing all the way..
hah.

apparently 4 other people shared the same birthday as jus.
maybe there were 30,000 more around the world.

with that,
we left for the airport.
T3.
our usual hangout.
we went there.
and...
fio,
bing,
and me drove.
hahah.
we got to drive a short lil distance.
sam taught us a lil of it.
so cool.
to be sitting in the driver seat.
honest.

well,
as always,
bing is always...
did i mention always..
yes and yet i want to say again,
always blur.
hah.
she got into the driver seat,
and asked sam what should she do.
fio said, "er..driver..please close your door first."
we all burst out laughing.
fio added on,
"next time the instructor will say, 'please close your door first.'"
hah.
then off bing went.
her skills...
whooo..
jus said,"wha..if test E-brake(emergency brake), she sure pass one!!"
we all burst out loud.
so funny..

then finally
sam took over.
we headed to geylang.
wanted to eat or have a drink..
ended,
we rounded the place a couple of times.
just to look at the hmm..
life that's there.
i wasn't scared.
i was praying.
i prayed, "even if the evil one has his hold over this place,
God holds even greater power."
well, then we pass through this dark alley.
it's a place that bing said,
"wha..i thought this gambling dens only exist in movies."
it was truly an eye-opener.

then we left,
with more understanding about the place,
and the people.
on the journey to bing's place,
we were figuring out something about toh guan.
well, silly me asked, "isn't that the biscuit brand?"
fio,
"joc, that's tong guan lar!!"
bing,
"what..i live in a biscuit tin ar!!"
embarrassed.

home,
it was.
once again,
it was a night that i would put a thumbs up to it.

sam, sean, jus

the birthday boy
feast at hard rock
more food.
and more food.
and desserts.
jus's sabotage

us at hard rock.

Prayer

2008-01-11T01:19:00.000+08:00

By the power and the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ,
I command, I don't suggest, I command any and all evil
trying to influence my mind,
to leave my presence.
I am a child of the Most High God and my mind is my own,
a quiet place for me and God.
Amen.

I'm secured in Christ.
I am indeed the Most High God's child.
I want to bear His image.

Are you?

2008-01-10T02:13:00.000+08:00

Life,
as it seems,
has been a whole lot of everything.

Honestly,
i don't know how the graduation blues feels like..
i don't feel as though i'm losing people..
i don't feel as though i'm saying goodbyes..
i don't feel like crying..
maybe not yet.

[To live is Christ, and to die is gain - philippians 1:21]

If i live,
to be melancholy,
to be sad,
to be emo,
i don't live for Christ.

I don't deny that we,
as human beings,
feel..
we feel sad,
happy and all.
we feel all sorts of emotions,
it's given to us,
from God.

I would mean that,
i won't dwell on being on the down side all the time.
friends,
i'm rejoicing.
not because i'm leaving school,
but because i'm joyful in the Lord.

why lament and look back,
and said, "oh man, i've not done much.."
why not be joyful and say,
"God, you can do immeasurably more than what i can think or ask for,
i believe."

do we sit in our driver seat,
and yearn to drive backwards all the time?
or to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus?
i choose the latter.
ain't gona be easy, buddies..
but the latter way,
has our Father,
who will be in the passenger seat,
next to us.
He allows us the freedom to choose the roads we want,
yet He's there to guide us and warn us.

i'm comforted to know that.
and i'm satisfied to know that.
are you?

times like this,
we need to spur one another on.
need a cheer or smile,
i'm here. =)
what i'll do to cheer you up?
hmm..
i'll do whatever it takes.

i'm smiling because i've got my Father with me.
i ain't looking back, because i ain't a product of my past.
who i am today, is because of what He has done.
I can testify.

i'm happy in the Lord today.
Are you?

2008-01-09T13:51:00.000+08:00

was watching a cartoon.
fernado said piggly ain't his friend anymore.
the cow, fernado, said,
"piggly made a promise and he broke it."
fernado's daddy said,
"piggly made a mistake and friends make mistakes."

there are 2 kinds of laughter,
fernado's daddy said.
[one is the kind when people laugh at you.
the other is when people laugh with you.]

[the best pictures are the pictures that aren't so perfect afterall.]

things learnt from watching er...
cartoon. =)

will you laugh with me,
my friend?

Up for grabs!

2008-01-09T02:06:00.001+08:00

Pics for the eyes to savour!

it's an orange car i see.

sweet and me us, as always.
us, yet again.

teapot pose, aunty's fav.

ST we are. funny pose. 'sa jiao-ing' that i couldn't take a cool pic with jas and ongji.
alex boy and me.
supposedly only ong ji and me, but all the other sisters came in. =/ haha.
boys, boys, boys

ong ji attempted to look shorter. =/

wha..my ah beng and ah lian friend.
both looked as though they're tired of each other.
sweet looked reluctant as a 'wife' to kha. hah.
we three always take pictures tog.

i fit right underneath the stairs. hmm. God blessed me with that height.

ong ji and me. elephanting.
i love this pic. shei pin smiled. =)
shu and me.sweet.
look at ong ji.
look at corny.
look at shei pin.
shei pin's words of affirmation to kha and me.

The above pic is a gauge of our heights.

Ronald - Chocolate

Ian and kha - Champagne grape

Fiona - Grape

Tina - Green Apple

Joc - er....kiwi.

-[Blessed night]-

farewell not?

2008-01-09T01:17:00.000+08:00

Today was really a weird day.
Guess it was just weird.
hah.
It was meant as a farewell,
but i feel not so.

well, hmm. loads of pics in jethro.
near 200 i guess.
but there was one that i wanted to take very much,
but never did.
guess you wouldn't want to take it then too.

i'm thankful for all the people for their blessings.
i wanted to tell you i'm thankful for you too.
but guess,
anger fills you now.
that you wouldn't hear a word i say.

if it's men's will,
i believe we'll never reconcile.
but if it's God's will,
i pray we will.
When you said, "I pray not..."
hmm.
my heart sank.
but i guess it was because you felt hurt by what i've done.
hmm...
if you hadn't said,
i would still wonder why you're mad at me.

now i know,
i ask for your forgiveness.
i am sorry.
for the juvenile way i've acted,
and treated you.
my friend,
i do miss you.

That day,
i was looking through the photos i've uploaded.
I realised a huge chunk was missing.
In fact, lost forever.
and the pictures were all of you.
i was sad.
i felt scared too.
seemingly, i really did lost you then and there.
i think i feel like it too now.
i didn't express it,
but well...
i feel like i'm losing you.

God,
hear this lil prayer of my heart.
[I miss my friend.
I just want him to know i'm truly sorry,
and that i had never let go of our friendship.
If You will, restore our friendship.
Amen.]

Brighter skies

2008-01-08T01:15:00.000+08:00

I've been thankful...

to God for alot of things.

I've finally let go.

That's why i'm thankful.

No longer strapped down,

but set free.

God set me free.

Praise God for making me whole again.

He completes my heart.

To love or not to love

2008-01-03T01:52:00.000+08:00

To love or not to love.
that isn't the question.

To let go or not to let go
that is the question.

i really don't know,
Father,
i'm really at loss.

he gives me hope,
yet shatters them.
maybe there was never a glimmer of hope,
it was just me believe in a lie that i thought was the truth.

i really want to let go,
yet at the same time,
i really don't want to.

have i been stubborn?
or maybe i have been dumb?
i beginning to think it's the latter.
dumb to suffer the heartaches.
day by day.

i feel like a fool.
i feel misused.
i feel chucked aside, and brought close only when i was needed.
i feel replaceable.
i feel insignificant.
i feel i'm in the rut again.
guess...
i never got out of it.

bing said,
[loving someone isn't easy.
love isn't easy.]

i told her,
"i never think it would be easy,
but i never think it would be so hard."

she goes on,
[if you love him, it's worth the wait and pain.]

me,
"that's why i'm questioning myself that."

her,
[whether you love him, or worth the wait?]

i said,
"whether i love him. because if i really do, the wait is worth it despite its pain."

God,
i'm sorry.
i'm hurting till i forgot whether You even hear me.
i know you do.
Yes.
By faith.
i just need assurance.
lots of it.

God,
do You love me?
maybe that is the question.

New Year

2008-01-01T10:37:00.000+08:00

Heyo.
Good great morning.
Joyous happy new year too.
Just came back from ning's home.

honestly,
i ought to be asleep now.
for an hour at least, but i'm not.
guess i'm excited.
people,
i'm excited because it's a new year!!

Just reminds me so much of God telling me,
He's forever in my life.
I could almost hear His whispers carried on the hustle of the wind.
"My child, here's yet another year created for you."

Yesterday night,
bing and ning picked me up from work.
that simple gesture,
just sweeten my heart.
ning said, "chin gu wants people to pick her up from work right?"
haa.
yah, i desired that.
but erm..well..i was shy to admit,
but still,my sweet lovelys came.

we headed for dinner at yoshi,
then shopped at cold storage for...
1)tomato salsa
2)baby potatoes
3)cheddar cheese
4)3 jumbo dogs(beef, chicken, bratwurst)

Headed back to simei.
waited for ah ley,
went to grab BnJ.
NewYork Super Fudge Chunk.
Mouthful, i meant the words,
and literally.
we each grabbed a spoon,
and dive in,
i mean dive in using the TABLEspoon.
hah.

Supper was on its way.
Then we caught the coffee prince.
Sweet. 8)

We had like...er..let me think again..
tori karaage
baby potatoes with mayo and bacon bits
fried bee hoon
3 jumbo dogs
root beer to wash these down.

it was 2327hrs.
We got our glasses of choya mixed with ice cream soda.
sat and watched countdown.
Together.
Though it was nothing like a mega countdown party,
with party poppers,
confetti,
hopping and dancing around.
We,
ning,
corny,
wesley,
bing
and me,
we cheers to a new year.
with our choya, that is.
when they were counting down at 5 secs,
i heard myself uttered this,
"God, thank you for this year that past."

Bing shared this:
[I heard, the thing that you would do during the crossover to the new year,
you will do it throughout the year.]

year 2006-2007,
the crossover was silent.
but not in the heavens.
i remembered,
the pastor at bee's church told us to close our eyes.
We prayed into the new year.

year 2007-2008,
I prayed into the new year too.
in fact, i was thankful.

We went on watching 'Schindler's List'.
Beautiful show,
but please don't fall asleep.
3 hours and 15 minutes length.
Corny and ah ley ended up,
checking on Nazi war,
Hitler and all.
Hmm.
I thank God for a man like
Oskar Schindler.
I'm thankful.

pardon me here,
but i ain't interested about setting new year resolutions.
I'm simply thankful that i can live,
day to day,
month to month,
year to year.
feel the feelings i can feel.
move the muscles that 'wobbles' around me.
[time to shed er..chunkies..]
hah.

Friends,
Be thankful with what you have.
It's good to desire new and more each year.
God gave us desires.
But my prayer is that,
we'll desire Him more,
above all other things.

As for me,
I'm thankful for a handful of people.
who has been a big part of my life.
honest.
you were part of the mould that was needed to shape me in 2007.
my prayer is that you'll still be in my life in 2008.

Shall chart them on my first blog entry of 2008.
I appreciate your presence in my life.
Wen Bing
Li Juan
Fiona
Ian
Khalis
Yong Jie
Tina
Jason
Cornelyus
Evangeline
Joel
Yi Ning
Wesley
Shu Shyan
Phyllis
Azfar
Eileen Chuah
Eileen Ng
Benneth
Velencia
Gerald
Justin
Sean
Samuel
Sherwin
Friends from the ship
Friends from LTC, Redang.

God,
I'm thankful for today.

Will everything be alright?

2007-12-20T02:46:00.000+08:00

hmm.
Declaration:
jocelyn is sad.

It feels as though somehow,
i've lost my joy.
Again.
I've been through this,
and here i am,
back again.

I guess,
because i held on too tightly,
abrasions cover my hands.
i bled.
it hurt.
i knew i was alive.
i still am.

my heart aches,
whenever i think of the past.
we ought to move on,
you would say,
but i'm stopped in my tracks.
you've told me you moved on.
and me...
i'm still stuck in the mud.

happy moments we have once shared.
times where i was there for you,
and i felt that you were there for me.
i smiled at the flashbacks,
but ended up with mere nostalgia lingering in my heart.

I miss.
I miss how we used to be.
I miss the smile on your face when i see you.
I miss the bond we share.
I miss the trust i have in you, no matter what people said.
I miss the times where your assurance shrouds me.
I miss my friend.
Really, I miss.

i have alot to say to you,
but words fail me now.
i guess,
you no longer wish to listen to me.
I've burdened you more than what you can bear.

God,
take my heavy heart and make it light,
will You?

I can't believe i'm tearing.
Again.
My heart has been drowning in its tears.

This is the promise i've made to bing.
[I wish to be the one who dries your tears, not the one who make you tear.]
but i wish you would come and tell me this.

God,
i know things will never be the same again.
but will everything be alright?

[All things work for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28]
I choose to believe,
everything will be alright.

2007-12-09T04:08:00.000+08:00

Work was good.
Supper was better.
So glad to see Roy again with us.

He made fio and me cracked up,
so much so,
that even when we're busy,
we were laughing away.

Then debbie had the urge to hang out.
so dim sum was it.
it was my first time hanging out with them.
presentees:
Roy
Ian
Schenelle
Seivon
Debbie
Khalis
Samantha
Fiona
and well, Me.

Fio: we're eating as though there's no tomorrow.
hahaha.
the pictures will be up tomorrow.
To be honest, i'm not a huge fan of oriental food,
but it's the round table that draws me.
did i say big?
oh, the BIG round table.
I LOVE BIG round tables.
somehow,
it makes me feel...
that no one is exclusive.
there's always a person beside another person.
somehow, our auras intersect.
sweet.

ate till about 2.30pm.
well, we talked too.
maybe not we.
Roy did most of the talking,
but i enjoy it so much.
Words of a wise man,
i would say.

after hearing him share about riding bikes and scooters...
i've decided.
i'm still gona ride scooter.
when i turn 21, i'll get a bike license,
and hopefully a beautiful orange vespa to compliment me.
whoa.
narcissistic. 8D

Well, about how my hearty heart is doing,
i could say,
i'm amazed.
i don't feel as painful as i used to.
definitely, i'm in the process of letting go.
and God is definitely shielding me.
He protects my heart from being ripped apart.
He doesn't prevent, He protects.
He can't prevent circumstances since it depends on my choices,
but He can keep me safe in those circumstances.
my Father really makes me feel special.

i won't mind you being my tornado.
it gives me a chance to contemplate.
at least i know i care about you,
and i DO care about myself.
if not, you may take the centre place,
and leave no room for God,
or even myself.

I'm really okay.
don't worry ya.
I won't wana pretend to be anything around you.
i won't wana break my promises.
Be assured of that.
What promises i've broken,
I'm in the process of mending.
If you're gona commit,
it's gona be a lifetime.
till death do us part.
I won't want your commitment,
when you're not ready.
because this commitment will end up short lived.
then i would rather have you not make the commitment in the first place.

I believe tonight's a beginning.
a beginning to things being how it used-to-be.
in fact,
i prefer used-to-bes.

letting go

2007-12-08T02:05:00.000+08:00

I really don't know what's going on now.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
God,
I hate to admit this...
I've deluded myself.

All of these,
were a result of my choice.
Stupid choice, i would say.

Some things are best if it keeps its status quo,
i wish i could carry on this way...
But hey,
i'm sorry i can't.

I'm hurting inside,
but i feel numbed on the outside.
A mask,
skilfully covers the scars.
Guess, i didn't want things to turn out this way.

I'm doing the painful thing.
I'm letting you go.

2007-12-03T00:09:00.000+08:00

Not as I will, but as my Father wills.
Lord,
not my will, but Yours be done.

To You,
with trembling hands,
i'm surrendering this heart.

2007-12-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

Things have changed.
Overnight.
Well,
I've overreacted when i shouldn't have.

I told God today.
I wished I had listened to my head,
instead of my heart.

Every choice i made,
seemed to be a mistake.

Now,
my feeble heart,
is crippled...
I've kinda hurt myself.

Irrational and Stupid.
My brain has gone dead.
and i've stupidified myself.

Broken

2007-12-01T05:19:00.000+08:00

I thought, ya, i would be better of without you.
and you, without me.
guess i was wrong.
it was painful to have shunned you.
yet i am both willing and unwilling to be away from you.
willing, because i wana keep my promise.
unwilling, because...

guess i've broken my promise, at las.
hmm.
my heart pounds when i'm near you.
i feel flushed when you look at me,
with those droopy eyes.
confession this is?
guess so.

i had wished you kept the distance.
i had wished i persisted in being away from you.
but it's too unbearable.
when you said you felt awkward,
i walked away, cringing in pain.
the few steps i took were heavy.
it was a pain that i've felt,
for the very first time.

i was strong.
i didn't cry.
but i guess,
my heart is drowning in its tears.

things seemed back on track.
but are they really?

guess i'm only one chapter in your life.
maybe, your next chapter would do without me.
there are wishes in my heart,
that i wished it'll come true.
but i guess,
wishes are just meant for dreaming.

2007-12-01T04:31:00.000+08:00

The world from my perspective.
through jethro's lenses. Where i want to be with my prince,

if it's a palace.

(don't be mistaken, this ain't a palace.

this is the supreme court.)

Medieval

smiley on my thigh as Blur as the world

Orange Facade

Red -Love for God

Orange - Family

White - Holiness

Turquoise - Special Thing

The road to you is long.

I laid there, drunk.

(not literally.)

Stairs to the unknown.

I look painted. Sepia
Black & White

Ached and Aching

2007-11-28T01:30:00.000+08:00

My heart is aching alot.
I don't know why.
I believe,
God,
only You can tell me why.

Moments...

2007-11-27T23:16:00.000+08:00

Well,

i'm back blogging again.

i find it hard to blog,

guess it's thumby's fault.

if you hadn't known,

i sprained my thumb.

oh well, it never stopped me from heading out.

well, i've been heading out with fio.

yesterday, pizza.

on sat, we headed to island cafe.

felt as though sat was a very long day.

worked with thumby still sprained.

then we headed out for dinner after work.

it was erm..well..more than dinner in fact.

after dinner with justin,

fio and i headed to clark quay.

well, the night shrouded us by then.

we rounded clark quay a number of rounds,

finally settling for something we know best.

Haagen Daaz.

hah.

well, the manager told his staff

"well, please attend to miss ANDREW."

i was wearing andrew 141.

well, i retorted of course.

"I'm not ANDREW."

then we ordered.

paid $9.90 for a cup of root beer float.

faints.

well, the girl was sweet.

she said,

"Miss Jocelyn and Miss Fiona,

i've got your names right this time ya?"

sweet.

then we headed on to the coffee club.

had a tea called morning dew and calamari.

we were simply enjoying life.

well, after this,

we're gona be stripped of this life,

of luxury and good food.

we're gona eat simple,

live simple.

till....

well, i do hope our desire to aussie will be realised.

my third entry in a row

2007-11-08T02:38:00.000+08:00

I've got a thanksgiving.
I've got a $2.6k cheque.
it was simply God-given, i can tell you.

with that,
i'll be blessing people.
when today, i've been blessed before i could.

headed out with
wei tao, rayson, zhao zhi, ben, vel, zavier(my 3 month old godson), ng, chuah and me.
i was blessed.
at waraku-dinner, wei tao paid for us.
at nydc-desserts, debbie wanted to give my table discount,
but she forgot.
well, ben paid.
i was utterly blessed.
both meals amounted to nearly 200 bucks.
imagine that.

i felt so blessed.
so ng and i blessed a grandma.
i've got a pack of tissue for 4 bucks,
and ng, 5 bucks.
9 bucks for 2 packs of tissue.
call me crazy,
but i've felt more willing to give the 4 bucks just now,
than any other times.
i think because, i felt the feeling of being blessed.
4 bucks-about an hour of pay.
it's okay.
God is God of how much more.

i also carried zavier.
wha..
he lao nua-ed on me.
he kinda had dinner,
then er..burped.
then er..foamed at his mouth.
no lar.
just milky saliva.
he kinda like me to carry him,
but after we walked quite some time,
he got tired of me.
so he kept moving around and whined.
vel took over.
mummy instinct.
the wei tao said this while i was carrying zavier,
"zavier will not be afraid of heights."
well, it's because i wasn't very tall amongst our bunch.
hais.
hah.

ng was still hungry by the time we reached pasir ris,
so we went mac,
she paid.

Well,
blogging at zhao zhi's house now,
with the boys on the mahjong tiles
and ng and ben on the television.

Tomorrow, i'll get you.
i'm excited to meet you.
you shall be called...
"chen chen"
er..till i can think of a better name,
chen chen you shall be. =)

it's about you again

2007-11-08T02:17:00.000+08:00

It's about fio, a second time.
hah.
recounting what happened just on tuesday.
6th Nov.

We went hard rock.
got a table right in the centre of the cafe.
had cool occurrences.
this small kid across the hall,
was eating.
we noticed the young dad first.
then the kid.
he looked at fio and i sheepishly,
then he turned back to his plate of er..fries?
hah.
then he kept looking at us, from time to time.
fio and i laughed everytime he did that.

then matthias came.
fio tried calling,
he didn't pick up.
purposefully unintentional.
so we wrote a note,
and told a waitress to pass it to him.
it prints: "hey, please turn to your left. =)"

it reached him.
he opened the serviette.
all his friends peeped.
then he turned.
and we all grinned at each other.
even though i didnt know him.
heh.

then a man sat behind us on a bar top kinda thing.
he ordered seafood linguine,
like what we did.
for desserts,
he ordered apple cobbler,
like what we did.
i wondered was he er..
copying us..
hah.
over sensitive.

then we left.
and walked round orchard.
er..literally a loop.
then headed back to the coffee bean near hard rock.
we took our usual table.
sat and chit chatted.

life,
we shared about and lamented.
we bared our true hearts.
i felt that i was blessed.
i have wen bing all along.
God has really blessed me with her.
i'm grateful.

fio,
know that joc will wana be here for you too.
chon nen fio sarang hae yo.

It's about you.

2007-11-08T02:03:00.000+08:00

It was saturday, if i ain't wrong.
Uncle Alan, sam, siti, fio, bing and me.
We all left nydc after work to hitch cab home.
funny, it is.

We reached ground floor and fio...
realised her retainers were,
not dirty,
not dented,
but LOST.

Sam uttered, "er..i think i saw something metallic on the floor."
hah.
fio panicked, "$300 is at stake!!"
asked uncle alan for keys and we left with haste.
er..we..walked.
then walked faster.
then er..walked even faster.
then we ran!

Weird, but i enjoyed the thrill of laughing and running with fio.
we..well..ran.
and up the escalator till we were aching.
to nydc.

unlocked the shutter.
dashed into er..darkness.
under dim green 'exit' light,
we searched.
the scenario was this:
fio was busying looking for her retainers in the dark,
while me...
busy looking for the light switches in nydc.
-_-"
(i better find out where the light switches are.)

all of a sudden,
fio gave a loud scream.
natural instinct,
fio saw something..er..scary?
i was afraid.
she reached down and stood up.
exclaiming loudly and waving her hands wildly in front of me
, "i found my retainers!!!"
my heart nearly sank.

hah.
we left nydc.
i tried to lock the shutter.
wondered why it couldn't lock.
weird thoughts crept into my mind.
"something is preventing me from locking the door."
i panicked.
then realised,
er...
it was the wrong key.
then with trembling hands, i locked it.
and fio and i left to meet the rest.

hah.
funny day it was.