03 May 2010 Y 12:34 PM

Trust vs Mistrust.

it doesn't just apply for young children..
Even us, adults.
Do we trust,
or do we doubt?

I learn to observe..
I realised the mistrust that we have towards others many a times is so...
uncalled for..

Why must we doubt the ones we love?
Why must we doubt the good in man?
Why must we doubt till the point we no longer SIMPLY trust?
Where had all the initial "I trust you" gone?

Maybe I'm just getting a lil worked up.
Pardon me.

I have experienced it in my own life.
I had trusted in him and he in me.
I chose to unravel something that ain't necessary at all..
I..I got upset and jealous of something that was bygone..
I want to know it,
yet I didn't and couldn't accept it..
I gave up my trust in him,
guess it cost him his too.

I learnt the lesson which jere says,
"I'm not on a need-to-know basis"
I really had no need back then..

God has taught me something out of this episode.
I can say that I trust man,
but man can fail me..
I'm errable.
I'm imperfect.

God says,
"I am perfect. Trust in Me."
So I learnt it the real hard way,
I don't simply say I trust man,
because I know it's hard..
It's hard for me to trust me too..
So I really know..

Please don't trust in me.
Please trust me in God.
Only God can uphold this promise that I made to you.
It stands till this very day and still will.
I choose to trust God..
And I pray that when the day comes,
I can hear whatever that you wanna say.

Please know..
I love you,

[I trust you in God.]

Counting down: 4 Months and 11 Days

14 April 2010 Y 6:13 PM

I was walking towards the station..
Praying as I walked,
Taking in the morning air that wasn't so clear and crisp today.
I saw a girl with her mom and sibling.
A bicycle was coming their way.

Now that I'm a cyclist,
I truly know how they feel when others are inconsiderate towards them.

The cyclist didn't ring the bell as they could have seen him coming their way.
Yet, this girl was oblivious to the cyclist coming towards her.
he rang the bell.
She leaned towards her mom and out of the cyclist's way,
and went, "Whoa whoa whoa" and chuckled as the cyclist passed her.

I was quite angry at her being so inconsiderate.
So in my mind it went like this,

Id: Gosh, why can't she be more considerate?
Why is she being so irritating?
Oh, why is she like that..
This kind of people should...
Super-ego: Joc, ya know you cannot think her to be so bad..
Id: I know, But....
God: But.. I love her.

I was baffled that I had such a mental conversation all by myself.
Wondering what 'Id' and 'Super-ego' is?
Well, to put it simply,
'Id' is like the lil red devil that speaks to you.
'Super-ego' is like the lil white angel that speaks to you.
Just something I learnt through my tons of lecture.

So God intervened and showed me that He loves her.
Just as I thought that way about her,
and many a times, other people as well,
He showed me that He loves them just the same.

What was assuring was the part where I thought,
"what if others are also thinking such stuff about me too?"
God assures that He would respond the same to others too...
"But.. I love her."

Counting: 5 Months and 1 Day

27 March 2010 Y 1:40 AM
It was a night we three shared 2 days back.
It was a night exclusively ours.
The place,
the moments,
the recollection,
the nostalgia.
No one could have taken that from us.

Floyd, Titus and me went on board the,
once Doulos,
now Doulos Phos.
It means Servant Light.
It's exclusively ours because we were the FIRST ex-douloids,
guests, visitors to be on board Doulos Phos.

We took a walk down memory lane,
recollecting everything that we've done,
at different parts of the ship.
It was pure nostalgia.
We met the remaining people on board,
it wasn't hard,
there was just three of them.

The ship looked nothing like before.
Quiet as a ghost ship,
room doors ajar,
absence of electricity in many parts of the ship,
lights off,
air condition off.
This was once Doulos,
and Doulos Phos to be.

We roamed the ship,
reminisced every part we could.
Breathe in the scent that lingers in the ship.
We're happy, yet filled with mixed feelings that the ship's staying.
I thank God nonetheless,
that the ship ain't gonna be scrapped.

What's more,
we lost the master key while roaming the ship.
We had to go on a search,
back tracking our every movement,
thank God,
we found it.
It was an exciting adventure.

I'm thankful for all the memories that I've had on the ship.
I miss every bit of it,
but I know one thing -
people whom I'm missing,
even if I don't get to see them now,
I know I'll see them in heaven when we've pressed on and finished the race.

Thanks Floyd and Titus for the great night.
I thank God for what we've shared.
The crazy moments where we wore our masks,
the trail through dark and humid cabins,
the chicken cutlet rice moment,
the fun deck where we took time to reminisce,
the car deck nostalgia,
the trip down memory lane,
the risk takers who never fail to play risk when we meet,
the fellowship we've had is simply awesome.

I saw you today.
It was amazing how where I stood,
it was there where you crossed my path.
I nearly went away to hide,
but I knew facing you was the better choice.
I had wanted to embrace you,
I had wanted to tell you things that I couldn't bring myself to say before,
and I know I really miss you a lot.
My indifference was just a facade.
When you had turned to walk away,
I wished I had asked you to stay for a while.
When your back was all that I see,
my heart pounded really fast,
my mind went blank,
and I told myself, "Wait."

Counting down: 5 Months and 19 Days

23 March 2010 Y 1:11 AM
School has started,
yet I've raised my voice once again.
How I wish I could love the kids more.
Scream less, Encourage more.
create in me the spirit of encouragement.

On a lighter note,
God's been great.
He protected me while I ride to work.
I nearly fell off my bicycle today,
but He was there to hold me.

I've gotten my piano.
Sweet thing.
Gonna use it to glorify God wherever I can.
So bear with me,
while I practise and practise some more.

Bing shared a dream she had.
A dream that's so sweet, so fantastical.
I wished it would be reality.
if God allows.

I've shared the dream.
I wonder what is gonna happen.
I wish I could simply hear whatever that's going on in your heart.
I will keep and I still am waiting.

Counting: 5 Months and 23 Days

16 March 2010 Y 1:51 AM
I contemplated for an hour or so.
Seeing that the sun came from behind dark clouds,
I set off.

I rode Jireh for almost an hour before I arrived..
It wouldn't be the most beautiful place on earth,
but it wasn't the venue that mattered.
It was the time I spent there with the Almighty One.
It was as though I took a walk by the beach with Him.

I felt the heat from the sun rays.
I felt the cool sea breeze on my face.
I felt the moist of the sand and the sea.
I felt calm.

When I didn't give up,
I found them.
I found beautiful shells.
There was one that looked like angels' wings.

Great was the journey and my walk alone.
I guess I might go often.
Great to head there and hang around,
to spend time with the Maker of the sun and the sea.
To allow thoughts to settle.
To allow myself an escape from my crowd lil area.

I realised I relate the sea to serenity.
It gives that peace,
I wonder..
Guess I miss the life I once spent on the very waters that covers this earth.
I love the seas over land.

Counting: 5 Months and 30 Days

14 March 2010 Y 1:26 AM
[It's an honour to die by your side..]
[It's an honour to have lived by yours..]
Always been very inspiring..
I love watching war and battlefields movies..
The Valour of Men,
God has made them that way.

We celebrated Ronald and Fay's Matrimony in the afternoon.
There were moments that I was touched to the brink of tears..
It's a real blessing to see two persons unite as one,
in the name of God.
They are truly blessed.

[Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love
but to be genuinely loved by another,
to know a love that grows out of reason and choice,
not instinct.

Rational, volitional(made by choice) love...
is the kind of love to which
the sages have always called us. - The five love languages]

Current read - The five love languages
Though I'm at the beginning pages..
I feel like it's a good beginning to many things unknown yet to me.

It took me almost 3 years,
to see that to love someone..unconditionally..
really ain't easy..
And it takes a conscious choice..
One that I would need to choose willingly.

I've let go once,
just because I didn't feel the euphoria that I once thought
should come with 'falling in love'...
Falling in love is just the introduction..
Choosing to love regardless of the euphoria are the chapters that follows..
'The End' shall not be written by our very pens,
but by God's..

I've let go once,
it was one of dumbest choice I realised I've made..
God gave me a heart,
that not only starts loving,
but keeps loving..

It ain't "I love you because..", or "I love you if.."
It's "I love you regardless.."

I love you regardless of your burps and farts.
I love you regardless of your weird idiosyncrasies.
I love you regardless of your looks, size or weight.
I love you regardless of your background.
I love you regardless of anything..
I love you for who you are and who I was when I was with you.
I still do.

God fills my emotional tank,
in order for me to love you wholeheartedly.
And all that I am doing now,
is wait upon the Lord and wait for you.

Counting down: 6 Months and 1 Day.

12 March 2010 Y 12:56 AM
Today was a blessed evening.
I had like stomach flu and had the runs since morning,
but I thank God by evening,
I was at least good to go..

Dinner with Bee, Corny, Aaron, Wes,
and two scammers - Kevin and Kenson.
Had tons of laughters,
and I feel blessed that I got to know the boys better.

You see my heart..
The deepest heart's desire..
I'm counting down to the Day.
The Day where a lot of things will change.
I will wait..just as I wait upon You.

my eyes are feeling the strain and I'm gonna hit the bed soon..
Oh yes, God,
thank you for Kevin.
He has entertained me for tonight.
He made me smiled and laughed.
I thank You for him and Hubert who's coming back soon.

Counting down: 6 Months and 3 Days