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hmm. Declaration: jocelyn is sad. It feels as though somehow, i've lost my joy. Again. I've been through this, and here i am, back again. I guess, because i held on too tightly, abrasions cover my hands. i bled. it hurt. i knew i was alive. i still am. my heart aches, whenever i think of the past. we ought to move on, you would say, but i'm stopped in my tracks. you've told me you moved on. and me... i'm still stuck in the mud. happy moments we have once shared. times where i was there for you, and i felt that you were there for me. i smiled at the flashbacks, but ended up with mere nostalgia lingering in my heart. I miss. I miss how we used to be. I miss the smile on your face when i see you. I miss the bond we share. I miss the trust i have in you, no matter what people said. I miss the times where your assurance shrouds me. I miss my friend. Really, I miss. i have alot to say to you, but words fail me now. i guess, you no longer wish to listen to me. I've burdened you more than what you can bear. God, take my heavy heart and make it light, will You? I can't believe i'm tearing. Again. My heart has been drowning in its tears. This is the promise i've made to bing. [I wish to be the one who dries your tears, not the one who make you tear.] but i wish you would come and tell me this. God, i know things will never be the same again. but will everything be alright? [All things work for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28] I choose to believe, everything will be alright. Work was good. Supper was better. So glad to see Roy again with us. He made fio and me cracked up, so much so, that even when we're busy, we were laughing away. Then debbie had the urge to hang out. so dim sum was it. it was my first time hanging out with them. presentees: Roy Ian Schenelle Seivon Debbie Khalis Samantha Fiona and well, Me. Fio: we're eating as though there's no tomorrow. hahaha. the pictures will be up tomorrow. To be honest, i'm not a huge fan of oriental food, but it's the round table that draws me. did i say big? oh, the BIG round table. I LOVE BIG round tables. somehow, it makes me feel... that no one is exclusive. there's always a person beside another person. somehow, our auras intersect. sweet. ate till about 2.30pm. well, we talked too. maybe not we. Roy did most of the talking, but i enjoy it so much. Words of a wise man, i would say. after hearing him share about riding bikes and scooters... i've decided. i'm still gona ride scooter. when i turn 21, i'll get a bike license, and hopefully a beautiful orange vespa to compliment me. whoa. narcissistic. 8D Well, about how my hearty heart is doing, i could say, i'm amazed. i don't feel as painful as i used to. definitely, i'm in the process of letting go. and God is definitely shielding me. He protects my heart from being ripped apart. He doesn't prevent, He protects. He can't prevent circumstances since it depends on my choices, but He can keep me safe in those circumstances. my Father really makes me feel special. i won't mind you being my tornado. it gives me a chance to contemplate. at least i know i care about you, and i DO care about myself. if not, you may take the centre place, and leave no room for God, or even myself. I'm really okay. don't worry ya. I won't wana pretend to be anything around you. i won't wana break my promises. Be assured of that. What promises i've broken, I'm in the process of mending. If you're gona commit, it's gona be a lifetime. till death do us part. I won't want your commitment, when you're not ready. because this commitment will end up short lived. then i would rather have you not make the commitment in the first place. I believe tonight's a beginning. a beginning to things being how it used-to-be. in fact, i prefer used-to-bes. I really don't know what's going on now. I don't know what's the matter with me. God, I hate to admit this... I've deluded myself. All of these, were a result of my choice. Stupid choice, i would say. Some things are best if it keeps its status quo, i wish i could carry on this way... But hey, i'm sorry i can't. I'm hurting inside, but i feel numbed on the outside. A mask, skilfully covers the scars. Guess, i didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm doing the painful thing. I'm letting you go. Not as I will, but as my Father wills. Lord, not my will, but Yours be done. To You, with trembling hands, i'm surrendering this heart. Things have changed. Overnight. Well, I've overreacted when i shouldn't have. I told God today. I wished I had listened to my head, instead of my heart. Every choice i made, seemed to be a mistake. Now, my feeble heart, is crippled... I've kinda hurt myself. Irrational and Stupid. My brain has gone dead. and i've stupidified myself. I thought, ya, i would be better of without you. and you, without me. guess i was wrong. it was painful to have shunned you. yet i am both willing and unwilling to be away from you. willing, because i wana keep my promise. unwilling, because... guess i've broken my promise, at las. hmm. my heart pounds when i'm near you. i feel flushed when you look at me, with those droopy eyes. confession this is? guess so. i had wished you kept the distance. i had wished i persisted in being away from you. but it's too unbearable. when you said you felt awkward, i walked away, cringing in pain. the few steps i took were heavy. it was a pain that i've felt, for the very first time. i was strong. i didn't cry. but i guess, my heart is drowning in its tears. things seemed back on track. but are they really? guess i'm only one chapter in your life. maybe, your next chapter would do without me. there are wishes in my heart, that i wished it'll come true. but i guess, wishes are just meant for dreaming. The world from my perspective. through jethro's lenses.  Where i want to be with my prince,if it's a palace. (don't be mistaken, this ain't a palace. this is the supreme court.)  Medieval  smiley on my thigh Orange Facade Red -Love for God Orange - Family White - Holiness Turquoise - Special Thing  The road to you is long. I laid there, drunk. (not literally.)  Stairs to the unknown. I look painted.  Sepia  Black & White
MY LIFE  I am Jocelyn Hannah. I was baptised on 7th February 2010. I am 22 and still counting. I love VJBEE and we celebrate 10 years. I am amazed at everything about Korea and Korean. I still love orange, the colour. I love Da Tou, Mini Tou and new addition, Flimso. I am God given. In my life, I choose to desire God above everything else. He is no fool to lose what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot TAG ME MY LOVELYS Aunty Ben Bing Claire Corny di Evan Fio Ian Isabelle Jere Joelle Joey Josel Kha Ning Ong Ji Pauline Phebs Prila Roy Rui Xiang Sandy Shei Pin Sin Yi Tina Zul MY MEmories January 2007 February 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 March's Events 4th April - Ong Ji's Bday 8th April - Bing and Jere's 17th Month 9th April - Mommy's Bday 12th April - Tina's Bday 19th April - School Officially Commences 22nd April - Sabrina's Bday My heart song |
as Blur as the world
