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God's been really faithful. I have been on my new job for 3 weeks now. I've learnt much, seen quite a bit. Smile a little, frowned a whole lot, but God never left me. I was always reminded that He's around. I'm just learning to rest, learning that if God had to rest on the 7th day, Joc has to too. I ain't super woman, sorry if I lied. "Joc, can you stop being so garang?" ".....sometimes you really are.." Fragments of what people has told me. Two, in fact. I'll learn. Life's always a journey. [When all has been said and done, your life is just a dash between two dates.] I'm still saying things, doing things, life's only moving from chapter to chapter. Rx has been sweet to use Korean to greet me. I laughed when I saw it. Genuine. But it was filled with mistakes. Hey, i'm not angry. Just well... I'm just affected that whatever my passion was for, was taken lightly by others. Pardon my straightforwardness. Didn't mean to be offensive in any way. I've been thinking alot. About Gerry. Sky. Thinking about the ideal, forgetting the present. Told wen today. I'm waiting for him who will sweep me off my feet, who will make my heart race. And God knows how much he'll amaze me. Well, MAMA MIA, HERE I GO AGAIN, MY MY, I BETTER CATCH SOME SLEEP~ Great movie. Have watch a considerable amount of movies to be able to comment that it's good. The genre's beautiful. Looking forward to more musical movies. High School Musical 3. I feel indignant how things have turned out. Wrong place, wrong time/Bad place, bad time. You seem fine, but I guess everything just feel so surreal now aye? Everything happened for a reason. And I believe you'll be alright. Well, I told God today that I want him to change who I am. I want Him to make me anew. I know He heard. All I have to do is to listen and wait. Holy Spirit, come within me and fill me like how You used to. Many things have happened, but God, You've never left me. I thank you for that. People in poorer countries dread to wake up, because they would have to worry how would they survive another day. Me, I dread the mornings when clamhead calls, as I usually lack sleep, thus I'll snooze and end up being late. People in poorer countries settle for whatever they have in their bowls everyday, yet I complain to mummy all the time, "Mummy, don't buy beansprouts...I hate the taste of it.." "Mummy, I don't like the 'tao pok'..." "Mummy, I don't like this soup, I want that soup..." People in poorer countries couldn't even work to support the family, yet here I am, having two jobs, yet complaining the lack of money and rest. So much, yet unsatisfied. Even though life has been pretty rocky and all, I'm more than blessed, indeed. Blessed to even breathe each morning. I'm turning in. Gona wake up when clamhead calls and I won't complain. For this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. To my two precious sisters. Fio & Bing. To Fio, I know you've not been doing well these days. Life gets tiring too aye? I thank God i was able to talk to you a lil yesterday. I apologise for all the weird sms-es you received from me. Many a times, it just reflects of my insecurities. I ask for your forgiveness and grace. Just as you want to spend time with paul, I want to spend time with you. Sacrifices has to be made. Definite. It's been almost a month since we had our chiong-ing sessions. But i'll wait. I look forward to a chiong-ing session with you alone. And know, no matter what happens, i'll always stand by you. I'm just a ring away, you no longer ring. It ain't too hard ya? Just pick up the phone, scroll down your phone directory, see "Jocelyn" and press "CALL". There, you'll hear me. To Bing, calling you wen has become my routine. I understand you're facing rough patches as well. Just as you stood by me when i was down and out, I would like to do likewise. No matter what, I'll always stand by you. Don't be afraid to love and be loved. God has made us for this. Never think that you could sort things out just by thinking. I never could. That's why half the time, I pop you sms-es, and short prayers to God. Even though i may be busy with two jobs, but God has granted me favour in the eyes of my superior. I can get off days that i want. I want to be involved in your life too. Potong, I simply miss laughing with you about nothing. Let's do it again, shall we? And we'll put du du-s together and have a great feast! To you both, precious to my heart, and deeply cherished. Losing any of you, I might lose half my heart. I never want to leave your lives, and I want the best for you both. Nothing but the best. I'm so thankful to God that you both have amazing men after your heart. You're pursued. You're captivating, girls. Be their ezer kenegdo. Be their warrior in Christ. Worry not for me. I know I'll meet the man who will make my heart race one day. By faith, I know. To Hate/passerby, my apologies for my tardy response. I believe you are one person. I believe we are acquainted. Okay. I don't exactly know what did I do or say to have made you feel the way you feel, but I believe you are feeling pretty betrayed. Maybe even after reading this, you may feel that it's all hypocrisy, but I know my conscience is clear to God. I'm sorry if I have caused you to feel so adversely towards God. If it has been the things i've done, I hope you do understand, that I, Jocelyn, ain't a perfect person. I make mistakes too. If I am an all perfect and a goody good Christian, then I don't need God. It's because I'm not perfect, that's why all the more I need Him. I've been going through rough patches in my life, and the only way I was able to stand strong was to depend on God. And all that I've shared on my blog are my processes and journeys. I've been vulnerable to God and to man, not to gain pity from man, but to show people that through life's ups and downs, God has made me stronger. Stronger as a person and in my faith. I would hope that you can understand that I am, afterall, human. I do have my ups and downs. It doesn't mean that as a Christian, we will only enjoy the good things in life, and never the bad. [God never said life would be easy, but He said to cast my cares on Him for He cares for me.] [Hate: Can really think what i'll say when i see you in the street with another TOY] I would definitely want to hear you tell me what you want to say, because I want to clear up any misunderstandings. I hope you will take back your words about 'another TOY'. If you had meant the guys that I've been meeting up with one-on-one, then I would like to tell you that they are real good friends to me. I cherish them as they're God given. They stand by me, when I'm down. They're the ones who plant smiles on my face, when the going gets tough. People may misunderstand anything about us, but God knows my heart. So please, do not be harsh with your words in your anger. I sensed the skeptism in you. The eyes that refuses to see the good in man and God. I don't mean to force upon you anything. I pray that you'll understand, your skeptical heart has never stopped God from loving you. My heart has always been clear before God, and I stand before Him alone. I do not need to explain to anyone the reasons for my being, because I'm only answerable to God. But I do wana clear the air between us, because I believe you want to know the truth, don't you? Life has been cruel to you...to me...to anyone on this earth, but God HAS NOT. God is NEVER cruel to us. The last thing that God will do, maybe not even last, as this will NEVER be in God's list, is to harm you in any way. The pain you feel in your life ain't caused by God, but by the sins of man. And it seemed that in some ways, my behaviour as a Christian has made you feel cheated. Cheated that afterall, there is no one good on earth, not even Christians. Well, NO ONE is good on earth. I ain't good. That is why I need God. I apologise on the behalf of my friends if certain words have hurt you. It's me whom you're displeased with, but please, do not take it out on them. If you want to express your anger, vent it on me alone, but leave them out of this. [passerby: all behaving like R.E.T.A.R.D .. typical christain tat's trying to talk sense. -shakehead-] If we are retards, and all that we've shared about our faith is crap, then who are not the retards? Who is telling the truth? Whose statement counts as the absolute truth? Who, then, talks complete sense? There's only one kind of Christian. The Christian who will stand by his/her faith in Jesus Christ, depending on God moment by moment, never succumbing to the challenges of the world, yet boldly proclaiming that Jesus Christ is truly the son of God, the one and only Saviour, who, by His blood, has redeemed us of all our sins. Typical Christian. Since you've boldly tagged on my blog, I believe you have things you want to tell me. I would ask that you approach me. My promise to you is that whatever is shared between us is kept between us. God can seal that promise. You can email me if you're uncomfortable to talk to me face to face. my email add: myorangevespa@yahoo.com Once again, I would like to apologise if I have, in any way, displayed anything that has been contrary to what I've shared with you about God. I hope that my inadequate testimony has not resulted in you losing confidence in God. If it has, then grant me the grace to fail. Do understand that I am human afterall. I'm fallible. It's never about how good I can be as a Christian, it's always about how God chooses to use me even when I'm so inadequate. I can only give you a glimpse of our eternal God. To see Him, you've got to believe. If you don't believe, even if He stands before you, you wouldn't know it's Him. Same for the good things in life. If we don't believe that there's still good things in life, we will never see it even if it is right before our eyes. If you can ever find anyone who has never ever sinned, apart from Jesus Christ, let me know. Then I can tell you that all these years what I'm believing is crap. If not, please understand that your skeptism doesn't deny God's existence. He exists, that's why we exist. [God would not have made you if His heart did not love you.]  God Agape PeopleI'm devastated. Why must things reach this kinda stage. I hated when things like this happen, yet i choose to put myself in this position always. Risking every moment where my fragile heart will once again be broken. I'll be away for a while. Don't ask why. I won't be picking up calls for a moment. God, I'm coming to You. Man can fail me, but i believed You'll never. Things just happened at the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm just speechless. I'll not abandon myself to waste. Just as you need time, so do I. Give me time. I don't know how long I need this time. But joc joc will recover, as I always do. I just hate to go through this ardous journey every time. But I'm left with no choice. Father, be near. Shield me from this menacing world. All i could ask for is to be in Your arms once again. You are the only one who can comfort my soul, my heart. Give me time, and when joc returns, I'll be like how i've always been. A smile without fail. I'll be back, loving the world like i've always did. I always thank God for people who brings smiles to my face. I'm looking forward to 12noon. I'll see clamhead. He made me laughed today, so hard that i was smiling when i hanged up. He's my crying buddy. He's my alarm. He's clamhead. I'm thankful that he was around. =) Zul is definitely one of them. I miss you. You're crazy, yet serious when you stand by your principles. I'm thankful that you're part of my life. You're the zest that adds to it. =) Pea size brain met me after work on tues. Sweet gesture it was. Hard to miss this chap, that i'll remember him. Never knew a boy of his age speaks of wisdom unknown. (well, though i already knew.. we both know things aye? we just needed to share...) =) Ben ben has always been around. Close enough to make me feel protected. Hey, I'll be seeing you tonight. I'm excited. I know i'll be assured by your hug. =) Chuah has always been my lovely sweetie. So sweet, that i'm protecting her all the time. Probably with the common surname, i tend to know things before i ask. Telepathy, ain't it. I can't wait to see you tonight. =) Ng, with all her lame-ness, I smiled. Knowing that we've both come a long way. With one big tiff we've had, we've learnt to cherish one another. =) Kha, though away on an island called tekong, he never fail to call me. So sweet that i melted each time i heard his voice. I feel appreciated. My mrt buddy for 3 years. =) Fio, who's crazily in love with not only her silly boy, but me! HAH. Well, I'm thankful that we'll laugh and enjoy each other's company so much. She's one that i'll cherish till the end. Laugh on sis. =) Wen, she likes being called wen. That's why i'm calling her wen. We laugh at the darnest things, do the stupidest things, and yet we are inseparable. I always look down the memory lane and smile. =) There are so many of you that brings a smile to my face, yet I could only express this much. Allow me more time. I might even write a book. =) I thank God that I'm feeling better. But please, don't call me. For once, I prefer sms-es to calls. I'm heading to lalaland. If not, not only clamhead will not be able to wake me, the skies wouldn't be able too. In God's hands, I place the weight of my heart. Amen.  Yesterday night was one random meeting.
Sean called, and we met. Honestly, i always wondered to God, how come i'm this close to Sean in our friendship. Then i realised it yesterday. Sean and I are born 1 year 1 hour and 53minutes apart. (if my memory didn't fail me...) I'm on the 21st, Sean's on the 22nd. It's almost amazing how we can get to know each other. And the very thing that the taxi uncle asked me yesterday, was what Sean asked me when he first saw me. Taxi uncle: Are you an American or something..? Because you have that..that slang... Me: (thinking it's accent, not slang..) Er..no. I'm a Singaporean. Taxi uncle: Or you studied overseas in America?? Me: Er..no. I studied here. Grew up here. Born here. Taxi uncle: Or you have American teachers who teach you?? Me: Er..no. My teachers are all ... chinese-fied. When Sean first saw me, he came to help me at table 8. Sean: Hey, did you study overseas or something? Me: Er no...why do you ask? Sean: Well, you sounded as though you came back from abroad.. Me: Well, I thought you're the one who came back from abroad.. HAHA. God ordained friendship. I'll never forget him. Thank you sean for being around last night. You were a great listening ear. We're so similar in our thoughts and actions, I feel that at times, we're brothers and sisters. Well, me being the older one, of course. HAHA. I'm thankful God brought you into my life. I'm thankful that we stayed in contact even after you left ny. I'm thankful that I can call you when I need someone to talk to. (which never happened before...) I'm thankful that even if I don't say it, you know my heart. I'm thankful to God for you, pea sized brain, honest. God, I'm really lost. Lost in the sea of my emotions and my actions. Sometimes how i feel is not how i act. I need help. I really don't know what i'm feeling these days. Frustrated? Reckless? Restless? I need someone who can help me here. I guess i need time to think through things. Alot has been going through my mind... I need You, Lord. I wish i can hide in Your arms and never have to worry about anything, really. I hate to take initiative. To you. I know you've been trying very hard to match up. I'm really sorry if i had put a strain on you. My life has started at such a pace, I never thought that i would meet you, least to think of spending my life with you. I'm really afraid that you'll be hurt, and that's why i'm keeping everything neutral. The last thing i would ever want, is to make you tear. I'm really sorry if i appear frustrated and all, I need God to guide me and lead me to love. [God is Love. Love is patient. Be imitators of God. Be patient. - Joc] I don't want you to change yourself to make me happy, all i want is you be you. Simple. I will have to work with God regarding everything i'm feeling. Be strong for me, will you? I just need to go through this process. I need God to help me learn to demand less. I need you to shower me the grace to go through it. [Just as we are learning new things about people each day, so do they learn new things about themselves. -Joc] I've learnt something about myself. I really need to have someone stronger than me. Mentally, Spiritually, Emotionally. I've been the spiritual pillar at home all along... I'm tired... I really am... I'm so gona break under all these and cry... but no... Joc has been through worst... I need to hang in there... I have to... [When we keep our minds on God, God will keep our minds at peace. - pastor] HEYO!! no wait..... ANNYONG HASEYO!! To my ardent readers, my apologies for the late late post. To Zul, here's my update at last. =) Well, a whole lot of rollercoaster, my life has been. Since bangkok trip and all. CPF plans and my title as a Dinosaur seem to be fading... Well, all i pray for is for God's peace to dwell in my heart. Well, today you plant a smile on my face, really. A smile that i hadn't smile in a long while. I'm amazed how much you can still influence me. I thank God i knew you. Out of this tiny island, i saw you. I thank God for you. Many night outs with jere, kha, rx, fio and bing. I thank God for the post poly friendship. Amazing how we meet night after night. I simply thank God for their company. Memories like this are expensive, because they're priceless. And imagine how memories could be exclusively yours. How did God ever make that possible? I guess i prefer not to know. I rather let God be God. I'm thankful you came into my life. Not by chance, not abruptly... I've known you by name, and now...by day. All i can ask of is that all of this be in God's hands. God, i'm so thankful that Fio has found her happiness. Well, sweet and i are on our way... All i ask is for You to reign in our hearts. Even a God centered relationship can be exclusive. All i ask for is a big heart, Lord. I'm falling even more in love with you. I'm exhausted to the core peeps. Really. NYDC & GRO @ explorerkid Working two jobs, with all the late nights, everyday... Whoa. Even God rested on the 7th day. I pray for His strength to empower me. I miss my VJBEE lovelys alot. I haven't seen them in the longest of time. It's gona be 3 weeks man. Dain, i dread this. Lovelys, I wana see you guys. I miss my godson too. Zaiver. Honestly, God has given me much to give thanks for all this while. All i ask is for His peace to be upon me. Lead me and guide me as You know best. MY LIFE  I am Jocelyn Hannah. I was baptised on 7th February 2010. I am 22 and still counting. I love VJBEE and we celebrate 10 years. I am amazed at everything about Korea and Korean. I still love orange, the colour. I love Da Tou, Mini Tou and new addition, Flimso. I am God given. In my life, I choose to desire God above everything else. He is no fool to lose what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot TAG ME MY LOVELYS Aunty Ben Bing Claire Corny di Evan Fio Ian Isabelle Jere Joelle Joey Josel Kha Ning Ong Ji Pauline Phebs Prila Roy Rui Xiang Sandy Shei Pin Sin Yi Tina Zul MY MEmories January 2007 February 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 March's Events 4th April - Ong Ji's Bday 8th April - Bing and Jere's 17th Month 9th April - Mommy's Bday 12th April - Tina's Bday 19th April - School Officially Commences 22nd April - Sabrina's Bday My heart song |