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[month end having you there.. what a blessing..] [don't worry.. i think u'll be a wonderful teacher..] [ur love to the kids can make it much easier.] so assuring were the words of a sister i knew less than 6 months. I'm thankful for her. She treats me less of an employee, more of a friend. Her words are always so encouraging. [for you...anything also can...] I was taken aback to hear that, to be honest. Just wana say, "Prila, i cannot be more thankful to God for such an understanding manager as you." A happy note: Fio's...er hmm..officially someone's. =) I rejoice over that. I believe the heavens are too. In Christ, they stand. Flushed and panicked, her steps quickened. She swiftly swerved round the corner. Headed straight to the counter. With wisps of short breaths, she said with a muffled voice, "Did you see..a...?" My ears are seemingly ultra sensitive. I caught wind of it. As i looked up, i saw kha gestured towards me, "Joc..." She almost scampered over to me... I got my bum off the seat, lifted my apron, fumbling really hard, realising that my fingers were a lil plump to fit into that tiny side pocket in my jeans. Her husband, or maybe fiancé, came alongside. Looking a lil irritated, i assumed she must have spent their evening crying and wailing to him, frantically searching for the very thing that she held so dear to her heart. Her eyes fixated on me, scrutinising every part of me where her precious may be. Almost as if i was performing magic, i pulled it out. 'cept i didn't say "TA-DA!" Holding it out with my thumbs and index fingers from both hands, almost as if i was proposing, I said with a wide grin, "Here you go." I could almost see the tears oozing out from her tear glands. She was overwhelmed. While holding it so closely to her heart, I could hear her voice breaking, "It's...it's my proposal ring.. Thank you..Thank you Jocelyn." Her husband/fiancé was relieved at last, smiling to me, he asked, "You're Jocelyn ya?" "Ya.. Hey, no worries about it ya? You left it on the table, i wanted to contact the credit card company to reach you, but i'm glad you came back for it." His wife/fianceé kept thanking me profusely, and i just kept assuring that it's really alright. With much gratitude, they left. To a night filled with thankfulness, i believe. Nelle and i were sharing. Well, what if she had really lost the ring? Did it mean that that may signify the end of their relationship? Well, tung and nelle concluded that if that ring was of much importance to her, why did she even take it off in the first place? Well, i'll never know. 11.39pm. Shutters were down, everyone was relaxing on the chairs and cushioned seats, when the silhouette of a couple appeared. Not ghostly, just unfamiliar. Wondering whose friends they were, i approached them. "Hey, did you see a wallet that i left behind?" "Er...where did you sit, sir?" Pointing, "There. The seat there." It was kha again. He went like, "Ooh Ooh Ooh...the wallet..." Roy came to the rescue! "There, up there in a plastic bag." Nelle fumbled for it on the upper shelf. Innocently, he received his wallet, with thankfulness. Roy said, "You dropped it. I found it on the floor, behind the chair." "Ooh.. i dropped it huh... thanks...thanks..." After they left, kha added, "Wow. Tonight's a lost and found night huh?" I giggled. Smiling in my heart, i won't deny tonight is one of my most touching nights. Things that seemingly were lost, were found. SADDED to JOY-DED. Hey bing, somehow tonight's incidents reminded me of the boy. The boy who was told of the secret to happiness. I felt a lesson learnt. [Hey thanks for being w me. U gave me courage.] Hey, I smiled foolishly in front of this screen the minute i saw it. You touched my heart, no doubt. Dino-nique. A new found word by...ME. haha. Well, i've been thinking about our roles as dinosaurs. We're not only dinosaurs, but 3 uniquely different dinosaurs. For now, i don't really know how to explain it in plain words, but i find it... AMAZING. Talked to fio, and yah... I realised why i like talking so much, which bing wonders at times too.. I tend to spark off some new insights of some sort, when i share. As though, God reveals some things through my conversations. Things that i never would have thought of, even if given all the time in the world. So sisters, if what i said made sense to you there and then, sometimes it made just as much sense to me only there and then. So amazing to learn about love and what God had made us for. What's more after courtship? What's more after saying, "I do"? What's more after intimate sex? What's more...? Fio told me something, something that i was kinda aware of... but not as conscious of. Fio: Joc, you open your heart too readily at times... that's why you end up getting hurt. Hmm. Click-ed. Senseful. Well, heard this while watching a documentary. [Every woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, but every man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.] I'm simply very thankful to God, for the people He brought into my life. Lessons after lessons. Somehow, through others, He helped me understood the depth of His love. Deep as an abyss. 1 John 4:19 [We love because He first loved us.] The very thing that i would long to hear. At the altar, i pray that this is the very thing that he will promise me with. Simple, yet filled with depth. Pure bliss, wouldn't it be? Papa, i trust in Your divine plan. Starkingly beautiful, it will be. I wait in eager anticipation. No longer striving, but i'm choosing what's better - the wait. I was talking to pea-sized brain. He woke me up from my slumber. Talking to him made us realise one thing - We're really bless-ed. Really. Hearing him say that he'll utter a prayer everytime he passes a church, amazes me. He prays that he's thankful for the things that are in his life. Then, i wondered. How many times do i thank Papa for the things i have? Not many, consciously. So funny when he asked me, "What is love?" Coincidentally, the very thing that i've been thinking about all this while. Me: Well, love is when someone is willing to die for me. Sean: Unconditional love ya? Me: ah..yah. *giggles* That brings me back to 1 Corinthians. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails. That's the extent of how much God loves me. He NEVER, NEVER fails me. Man can fail me, but Papa NEVER. And fio, gazillion thanks to you. Thank you for always wanting to stand up for me. I understand the kinda angst you go through, when you just couldn't be there to shield me, then and there. I'm very touched. Did i ever say you're my ezer kenegdo? Okay, you are my ezer kenegdo. A help meet. Well, it's only for now. You were made by Papa to be your husband's ezer kenegdo. I agape you. If ever, I were to sacrifice my life in return for anyone's, it'll be for bing and fio. I've already told God. I believed He heard it and remembered it. Last message received at 4:14am on 7/24/2008. I had no intentions of being sarcastic. None at all. Because she really cares. And, i am thankful that you cared if you hadn't known. I really am. But did you know, your care was too excruciating for me then? I had to drown my pain in pools of tears, but i didn't reject it. Because i know you knew nothing about it. I never understood what sparked it all. Guess it's the dumb msn. Well, even not, we would still argue. We never seem to get out of this rut of arguments huh? Guess, from where we began, that's where we'll end. A promise is a debt unpaid. The mountains and the plains beckon me. The freshness of air urges me. The warmness of the family in Christ welcomes me. The poverty of that land saddens me. Three months. Can i bear to leave for that long? Me: Fio, but we're gona miss Christmas back home already, are we gona miss new year too? Fio: Joc ar, it's all gona be worth it. Hmm... What's worth it? Being away doing the work of God? Ministering and giving all that we can? I know. Glorifying God to the uttermost. The next three months is gona be tough, but i know God's gona be here, no matter what. The first and greatest hurdle - Daddy and Mummy. Papa, only You can know what their responses are. I'm gona be praying for their responses and my decision to go. This time, i will honour them. I will not defiantly choose to go of my own accord. I remembered when i told mummy the other time, i was filled with so much zest. She, on the other hand, was worried sick but succumbed to my heartfelt persuasion. Well, in the end, i stayed back in Singapore. This time, if she gives the green light, it's a GO GO! for me. Regardless of what people may say, that it's a hasty decision, that i'll never fulfill my decision, yada yada, my eyes are set on God. Fio's calling: "God has placed the world upon your heart." Mine? I'm still waiting. This time,
i'm choosing to only hear the voice of God. I've accept the calling back then. Made my choice then. "Here I am, send me." Another thing, A very important thing. I've shared with many, heard much and understood the gravity of my choice, but i'm still going ahead with it. Peeps, i'll be doing a diploma in Nursing, starting next year. Wondering why? Ask me, I'll tell. Those were pages of the last chapter. A new chapter is about to begin, and this time, the heavenly pen writes it. Psalms 139. [All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.] Papa, I want You be the Author of this new chapter. Allow me to love as You have loved. I have learnt Your love in the harshest circumstances, in three folds, from 10,000 pieces to 10 million, Never once had You given up on me. Never once was i made to wallow up in my sorrows, and cried my eyes to a crimson red. I've waited. Waited for you to come over and tell me. You never came, guess it was never meant to be anyway. All i ask is that, there will no longer be any 10 millions again. [How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.] Nobody, no one, could ever think of me the way You do. It's coming to a year. A full year. Papa, is this it? I pray so. Really. Feeling superbly indignant about things. For the first time, joc seriously felt that being smart in human sense, is being the stupidest on earth. I heard a customer said this today, "Being overly sensitive is being insensitive too..." I agree to that. I'm not okay, but everything will be okay. [When you only see a set of footprints on the sand, it's because I'm carrying you.] my comfort is in You, Lord. If it takes this much to break me to reveal Your glory, so be it. If it takes this much to show me Your love, so be it. If it takes this much to make me understand Your plans, so be it. To my face, You restore the smile, of which many have wiped off. To my eyes, You paint the brightest rainbows, to send a glint. To my nose, You bring the freshness of air, leaving me breathless. To my heart, You mend the shatters, restoring me in love. To my hands, You place in it faith, that i may hold on forever. To my feet, You bestow upon it readiness, "Here I am, send me." To my ears, You whisper the words, "I LOVE YOU." My heart is Your Home, come and reside, won't You? I guess i should have been obedient all along.. So heart broken, so much sadness, yet so much of everything. Funny how such pain can be felt, yet it ain't tangible. This is so unbecoming. Papa, will You take me in, please? It's so painful to be far from You, and end up feeling so deserted. I cannot promise You anything, for i'm imperfect. I'm afraid, Papa... very afraid. [There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.] But this i can be sure, that i'll get over it, really. A man is no fool, to lose what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. Papa, i cannot lose You, i really cannot. Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me. I'm a lil confused, honest. Why do i get stuck in this sort of a dilemma, most of the time?? It's not that i'll get to choose either or, it's that i already knew the answer, yet i'm refusing to choose it. Maybe when Papa's far from my heart, my heart loses control. My heart cringed when i read that. Hmm, what did that mean? Maybe that afterall, you do matter to me? Something i heard today seemed to hit the jackpot. [...is forbidden...] It ain't really, but i guess we can't get past our conscious, that's all. Guess you probably knew it too, that explains the restrain. Don Henley seemed to have expressed my heart thoughts on my behalf. I'll get over it, i know i will. I've been through it, came out of it, and became stronger because of it. I've signed up for Nike+. A 10km run. My first 10km run. I'm really excited. And when i've completed it, i'll go up to those who questioned, "Who says a small girl with not-so-long legs can't run? I've finished the race. I've finished my race." Now that i know aunty has joined too, it's all the more exciting. 31.8.08 I'm looking forward.  Potong.Saw this at the supermarket today. Instantly, I took out my phone and captured it. It was at that moment that i thought of you. How i laughed at you asking, "did you wana type that you ate sotong, but it appeared as potong??" You laughed hard at me... and said i was the 'potong one'. I'm thankful for you. Thankful for the moments that i've found you in the snapshots of my life. I never fail to tell Papa that i'm thankful for you. Not one day pass without me thinking about you. Our lives, it has written a book, in my heart. A random note, i thought of a name for us. Dino Bing, Dino Fio and Dino Joc. A title we bestowed ourselves. And girls, the day when we say , "Yes.", we'll be stripped of that title. it's both a blessing to own a title such as this, and to be stripped of it. Don't be afraid to love and fall in love, the only regrets is failing to experience either. 5 languages of love. Words of Affirmation. Acts of Service. Gifts. Touch. Time. [To love someone is not loving in the way you think it's love, to love someone is to understand their language of love, and to shower them with it. - Anonymous] My love language is Acts of Service and Touch. Today was amazingly great. Had dinner with fio, kha and ian. 1st stop. Outback steakhouse. Great place that allows you to reminisce about aussie. We had so much fun laughing at everything. Had a good fulfilling meal that amounted to $165.96. Then guess where we went? 2nd Stop. Essential BREW!!! ian and i were getting so ecstatic for the brownies there... The kind that is simply piping hot, soft and fluffy, chocolatey with choc sauce and chips all over it, top with their mac nut ice cream, making your taste buds water when you set your eyes on it, and simply melting in your mouth when you place a spongy chunk into it, giving that warm and fuzzy feeling down your oesophagus, pampering du du to the core, and making you go "UHMM~" However, we were so disappointed when it came. The brownies were hard like rocks. I could like throw it against the wall and it's still be in one piece. We thought it wasn't heated enough, so we asked it to be piping hot, but it still came back piping warm. =/ 60 over bucks with 10 bucks discounted. With sadded hearts, ian made the most radical suggestion. 3rd stop. NYDC @ Holland V. -__________-" Apparently, his 'du du' was seeking solace and compensation for the brownie we had. BONEY CAKE. Well, it did made him and us felt better about desserts. We not only ate desserts, fio ordered spuds and shiver, kha, fowl, ian, boney cake with van i/c, me and kha, FVEC. 20 odd bucks amounted. Tell me, was it a feast for the rich or what?? We spent say... $250 plus in total? not including cab fare home. du du and all the other tummys made us moaned and groaned. I had to carry du du for a distance. It's the second time that i ever felt so bloated. Hear my plea. Never...never go on food sprees... It drains the spirit out of du du. 'oh my oesophagus...' 'oh..oh my pancreas...' *tons of laughters* The greatest laugh of the night: "today's lunch crowd... I SAW SOMETHING I SAW SOMETHING I SAW SOMETHING ...was good." Well, it was a fantastic day. Really. In addition, the day before was one of my most fulfilling shopping spree. I bought two of my love. Saved the idea for quite some time and i finally got them. biggy and holga. I look forward to enjoying more finest pleasures OF life.
The biggest blue black i've ever seen on me, all for my sprained thumby. Thumby has suffered quite abit. Guess it was all the "acting sei" that landed it where it is. The sin seh said that i carried too much heavy things, and because my joints were a lil 'rusty', it kinda injured the vein, the vein that runs from my shoulders, all the way to thumby. I saw her took the small round bottle, I gasped. Screaming silently into my palms, then with a quick whiff of the flame, she placed it on my shoulders. Seemingly easy and quick...and painless?? I squirmed under the discomfort. biting onto my lower lips, seeking release in that. Then for what seemed like 10000 seconds, another sin seh came over and released me of my pain. this was what was left behind.  on a lighter note, debs' place today was great. with most of the 'old birds' or so we called ourselves, we enjoyed each other's presence i would say. I saw the lengendary Ashlee! I was so surprised when kha said, "Joc, you made her speak!" Apparently, Ashlee was really shy during Christmas, sitting alone in a corner, sinking into retardation mode, and spoke to no one. But we both clicked once we met, and we talked alot. she even told me about her trip to the zoo just the day before. Debs conjured, "Jos, you should really do the childhood thing." haha. I was encouraged. Had my very first jack daniel and chivas today. Well, i really thank God that i didn't lose too much playing indian poker, which would have resulted in shots after shots. Thank God when i got the joker, i didn't have to bottoms up either. Never liked liquor, never will. The day ended with a sweet hug and lovely kiss from Ashlee. In fact, two sweet hugs and two lovely kisses. She's an amazing girl, and i pray that God, You will draw her near to You, someday, somehow. I never knew this would be how things would be. I guess we're simply two strong headed people. We don't give in or relent. I couldn't bring myself to understand, what's the chemistry between us. was it made to sow discord between us? then i hate sciences. well, it's almost 24 hours since we last talked. none of us' giving the budge. hmm... guess you're alright with it. i ain't feeling too good about this. but hey, i guess you've got better things on hand than to bother yourself with this. reconcile. fight. fall apart again. i just don't wana put myself through such pain. yah. my superhero will come someday... and wipe the tears off my cheeks saying, "Everything will be alright." i await the arrival of such a day. that he won't be the one making me tear, but the one who's gona dry my tears. Papa, shield me from the world. hold me in Your arms. the world has made me teared enough. i wana be joyful in You again. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. Good bye to the night and Good dawn to the morning.  while struggling with God over my heart, i stumbled upon a wonderful love story. a story so heart wrenching that anyone, anyone would pray that it only appeared in movies. Bernard and Grace. they shared a bond so strong, it was in Christ. a true story of knowing "You're the one." Bernard left Grace. 2 years ago. Grace moved with, not moved on. She lived her days, thinking that it'll be one day close to seeing him again, than to think that it's been one more day since his accident. Exerpts of their love. [He wrote, "I love you for who you were, who you are... and who you will be.... love, Bernard" And i wrote below, "I love you not only for who you are, but who i am when i am with you.... love, Grace"] Grace's best friend shared this. [I think, life is very transient. He could not protect her for the rest of her life, but he protected her for the rest of his. ] i teared reading all of it. it's been 3 hours since i started reading. i've yet to stop. but i thought, i needed to blog this down to remind myself. to remind myself that God yearns for me to be loved. by Him and by him. i was thinking alot about him. about me. about us. i pray that God will help me. i pray that God will raise me. from the clouds that shrouds my eyes that i've lost sight of Him. turning to man for comfort. turning away from His gentle calling. i just need time. please spare me a lil more than usual. pardon me for cranky speeches. i need to breathe again. [Most of all, i have my hope in Jesus Christ, a hope that is not a possibility but a reality.] something Grace has written. so true that i truly believe, all's not hopeless. not that i'll get what i desire, but i'll desire God. Papa, i pray that You'll bring me a lil more of Your grace, a lil more of Your peace, that i'll be able to live life, honouring You, every hour, every minute. As long as i breathe, i'll speak of You. Amen. God, You leave me breathless.  ''it's raining. pit ta pat ta. in my room. my pillows' drenched. my blankie's my shelter. the darkness shrouds me. i'm engulfed.'' sorry. didn't mean to sound so emo-tic. today. i teared. two drops. fio had to see it all. ben was there. he was next to me. his shoulders ever present. 2 big news struck me today. i hate to hear it. i didn't intend to hear it. my heart cringes at the thought of it. Papa, can You open your arms wide and let me run in and cry? can You be my heart doctor? can You take me as i am? can You break my heart for what breaks Yours? you were never a mistake. it was my mistake for falling for you. MY LIFE  I am Jocelyn Hannah. I was baptised on 7th February 2010. I am 22 and still counting. I love VJBEE and we celebrate 10 years. I am amazed at everything about Korea and Korean. I still love orange, the colour. I love Da Tou, Mini Tou and new addition, Flimso. I am God given. In my life, I choose to desire God above everything else. He is no fool to lose what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot TAG ME MY LOVELYS Aunty Ben Bing Claire Corny di Evan Fio Ian Isabelle Jere Joelle Joey Josel Kha Ning Ong Ji Pauline Phebs Prila Roy Rui Xiang Sandy Shei Pin Sin Yi Tina Zul MY MEmories January 2007 February 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 March's Events 4th April - Ong Ji's Bday 8th April - Bing and Jere's 17th Month 9th April - Mommy's Bday 12th April - Tina's Bday 19th April - School Officially Commences 22nd April - Sabrina's Bday My heart song |
