25 May 2007 Y 3:35 PM

I found this on the net.
[it has been suggested that during crying the person experiences raised levels of physiological arousal*. When the arousal returns to previous levels, it is experienced as feeling better (Kraemer & Hastrup 1988). In other words, the person does not really feel better but only feels better by a sort of 'contrast effect' with their distress during crying. In this scenarios all the self report interviews could be nothing more than self delusion.]

*a state of heightened physiological activity

Whoa. I never knew that.

However, I believe, Grief, my dear brothers and sisters, is good.

Jesus wept.
He was a man of sorrows.

We have our weeping moments, don't we?
But why did we weep?
Just to feel better?

I believe it's more than that. I believe when you cry real hard, you find yourself really vulnerable. When anyone is really vulnerable, they will lay down the walls that they have surrounding them, surrounding their hearts.

Physically, they would want touch. A pat or a hug. Being physically for someone who's vulnerable is the greatest affirmation of saying, "I know it hurts, though i do not know how much, just let it out, let me cry with you." [1 Corinthians 12:26a And if one member suffers, all the parts share the suffering]


Emotionally, they would want your encouragement. They would want your comfort. They would want to know that they are cared for.You may experience times when the person shuts you off and say, "leave me alone!"

Hmm... it may hurt you, but know that they don't mean it. Never leave them alone. We often get caught in the dilemma of wanting to be there, yet wanting not to agitate them further, ending up, we do not know what to do. Affirm them with your presence. Times like this, they need anyone more than loneliness. Tell them that no matter what, you're not going to leave them alone because Jesus will never leave them alone. [Hebrews 13:5 for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."]

Spiritually, share the agony of Christ, share the hope Christ embraced. [Hebrews 12:2 looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.] Jesus cried and endured the cross. Because of that, our eyes won't be wasted from our grief.

I had my crying days. It was always a release for me, or "contrast effect".
I've seen people cry. I cry in my hearts with them, but i always, always fail to express it.

Next time, i'm going to express it.
"I know it hurts, let me cry with you."



Y 2:53 PM

These days I've thought of these:

Memories are a thought away.
Friends are a call away.
Doulos is an email away.
Jared, Sarah and Abby are a country away.
Joelle is a block away.
And...

God is a prayer away.



16 May 2007 Y 9:41 PM
I want to be a happy girl.
I know I can be.
In You alone.



13 May 2007 Y 1:12 AM
I want to be a happy person.
Not one who finds joy.
Not one who seeks joy.
But one who is joyful in the Lord.

God, i want to start all over again with you.

"Heyo, my name is Jocelyn, and you?"



11 May 2007 Y 1:50 AM
Ever went about a whole round in life, well 19 years of living, to come to a realisation, "what the heck have i been doing?", "why am i living still?" ?? Well, i did. After 19 years of living, as a human being, i hate to say, but i find no purpose in life. Well, i hate living in this life. It's filled with people who are simply plastic. To me, it feels like we're all putting on masks, layers after layers, shades of different colours, just to hide how we truly feel. How many of us can go up to another and say, "i don't really like you." Few, or none i know of. We're not being true to others, yet in our own hearts, we're not being true to ourselves either. Talk about being honest. And we try to live righteously by claiming the word of God. To me, it's all but a facade. well, i feel as though i'm driven to desperation, i simply hate this life. Resentment feels my heart when i think that tomorrow i'll get another chance to live again. right this moment, evangeline sms-ed me. [My dearest Joc, my heart and my prayers goes out to you during this period of time. I pray that God would renew and strengthen you physically to overcome your sickness. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually as you look to Him for your every need. May He be your portion and deliverer in such times when you feel you cant go on any longer or you feel helpless, vulnerable, afraid and overwhelmed at the tasks set before you. Take heart that the Lord would never give you beyond what you can manage and if we are stretched to the limit, it is all the more that we need to depend on His grace, which is, and always will be more than sufficient. May His everylasting love and comfort be what compells you to keep pressing on! Take care.] Well, God.. it hurts me so much as i read this sms again and again, that i cant stop the tears from flowing in a steady stream. Did this sms come from Him above? I wish to end this pathetic life, but i don't have the least bit of courage to do so. Then... do i have the least bit of courage to place my faith in the One who's infinitely good, infinitely wise, infinitely loving? Was this what You wanted to tell me all along, when i was in the abyss, oblivious that You are always with me, even there in my darkest night? Ever since i placed my faith in you, my heart gets hurt time and time again, do You feel the pain too? Ever since i placed my faith in you, the abyss that i fall into seems never-ending, are You falling with me too? Why can't these tears just stop flowing... does this mean i feel guilty... i'm just feeling the worst of my life.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
Psalm 31:9-10

For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30: 5

Tell me all this is true Lord... tell me it's really true.



10 May 2007 Y 12:17 AM
Thanks guys for all your sms-es.
I was blissfully sick.

Well, being sick physically affects the heart.
My heart ached.
It aches and longs for You.

It's all about you, Jesus.
It's not about me.
You don't have to do things my way.

I'm wilful. Yes.
I'm rash. Yes.
My life's a mess. Yes.

I'm starting to feel again.
My senses are telling me i'm feeling pain.
I feel agin.

Jesus, take control.



03 May 2007 Y 12:24 AM
Oozing and bleeding.
I wish it was tangible.

Overwhelmed, that is.
I'm consumed in numbness.
What remains.. a souless me.

I wish everything to come to an end.
Right now.

Tell me all you can.
It'll just vanish into thin air.

I want to run away again.
Don't run after me.
Leave me to be.

Desperation



02 May 2007 Y 1:15 AM






Just returned from a time together with some peeps. Ong ji, shin goon, tina, fio, sarah, bing and me. Well, kinda just bumped into them when i was gona meet bing. How coincidental. God brings His people together. Indeed, the Christian fratenity is small. Oh well. Had some time alone with bing. Apparently, the both of us are really similar in the way we think, the way we feel about things.. Hahas. We should have been born twins. Everytime, i see her, or before i see her, i give thanks to God for this great friendship that He has bestowed unto me more than 2 years ago. How can i give up being ever so grateful.

Lord, it was You who made the heavens and the earth. it was You who created relationships between people. it was You who created love. How wretched could our lives get, that we so ever lose our sanity, our rationality, our thoughts to the world. Everyone would love a second chance, everyone would love things hadn't been the way they are, everyone would love to start all over again. Wouldn't I... I would.

God, many miracles I see, change my stubborn heart that I'll believe. I do believe, but I don't internalise.

God, You're ever so gracious to me, even when joc's stubborn in her own sins, You were there..gently calling my name, holding me in your everlasting arms, telling me everything's okay..just because You were there to hold me, to catch me when i fall.

My heart aches for the fact that time doesn't turn back at all, but my heart rejoices that God, Your love stretches beyond time, beyond 2007 years ago. Your love is everlasting.

I wana cry whenever i know that i can't live without You. I seriously can't. I wouldn't be breathing without You. I wouldn't be sitting where i am and type this entry without You.

Lord, there's little of how much i can express the reality that i NEED You. You were never what i wanted.. You were always what i NEEDED. Why was i so blind to this fact. Thank you for opening my eyes to see. I am no longer blind, no longer dead in my transgressions, because Jesus reigns. My God reigns.