Ever went about a whole round in life, well 19 years of living, to come to a realisation, "what the heck have i been doing?", "why am i living still?" ?? Well, i did. After 19 years of living, as a human being, i hate to say, but i find no purpose in life. Well, i hate living in this life. It's filled with people who are simply plastic. To me, it feels like we're all putting on masks, layers after layers, shades of different colours, just to hide how we truly feel. How many of us can go up to another and say, "i don't really like you." Few, or none i know of. We're not being true to others, yet in our own hearts, we're not being true to ourselves either. Talk about being honest. And we try to live righteously by claiming the word of God. To me, it's all but a facade. well, i feel as though i'm driven to desperation, i simply hate this life. Resentment feels my heart when i think that tomorrow i'll get another chance to live again. right this moment, evangeline sms-ed me. [My dearest Joc, my heart and my prayers goes out to you during this period of time. I pray that God would renew and strengthen you physically to overcome your sickness. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually as you look to Him for your every need. May He be your portion and deliverer in such times when you feel you cant go on any longer or you feel helpless, vulnerable, afraid and overwhelmed at the tasks set before you. Take heart that the Lord would never give you beyond what you can manage and if we are stretched to the limit, it is all the more that we need to depend on His grace, which is, and always will be more than sufficient. May His everylasting love and comfort be what compells you to keep pressing on! Take care.] Well, God.. it hurts me so much as i read this sms again and again, that i cant stop the tears from flowing in a steady stream. Did this sms come from Him above? I wish to end this pathetic life, but i don't have the least bit of courage to do so. Then... do i have the least bit of courage to place my faith in the One who's infinitely good, infinitely wise, infinitely loving? Was this what You wanted to tell me all along, when i was in the abyss, oblivious that You are always with me, even there in my darkest night? Ever since i placed my faith in you, my heart gets hurt time and time again, do You feel the pain too? Ever since i placed my faith in you, the abyss that i fall into seems never-ending, are You falling with me too? Why can't these tears just stop flowing... does this mean i feel guilty... i'm just feeling the worst of my life.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
Psalm 31:9-10

For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30: 5

Tell me all this is true Lord... tell me it's really true.