Clamhead reminded me today of something I've not put much thought into.
"That's your one problem. And that's why you have so many problems."
My strength was my very weakness as well.
Hmm.

My colleague, Uma asked me last week if I could work the following shifts:
Monday - 12pm to 8pm
Tuesday - 12pm to 8pm
Wednesday - Off
Thursday - 12pm-8pm
Friday - 10.30am - 9pm (dreaded!!)
Saturday - 3pm to 10pm
Sunday - 3pm -10pm

Considering that the other colleague was down with HFM disease,
I said...okay.

Today at work,
she asked, "Jocelyn, can you work on Deepavali?"
To think that I actually wanted to quit by the end of this week... =/
Me, "Oh yah..you and Haema's got to celebrate Deepavali..."
She, "Well, I can work..in the morning..."
Me, "Yeah..okay."
Stupidly, I added, "There's birthday parties on that day ya?"
She, "Yeah. I let you do the parties?"
Me, "Okay...."
She, "You like doing parties right?"
Me, "Er..yeah..okay ar.."

Then following was Auntie Irene.
She was in chatters with another auntie beside me.
They were chatting about a girl named, Miya who MIA-ed.
Then I think she landed the topic onto me.
As I heard her speak,
"(in mandarin) She's very responsible.."
From the side of my eyes,
I saw her nodding towards me.
Hmm.
Then Auntie Irene asked,
"You not schooling meh?"
Me, "Oh I've graduated.."
She, "Then why don't you look for a full time job?"
Me, "Oh, I'll be starting school next year April."
She, "(squeals) Oh then you can work till March or so then!"
Me...
I simply spunned around to face the computer once again,
fixating a grin on my face...
expressing "yes-es" in all directions.
My vibes tell otherwise.

So I can't leave just yet again.
=(


I told RX,
He exclaimed across the phone,
"OKAY YOUR HEAD AR!"
"YOU EVERYTHING ALSO OKAY!!"

As I sms-ed clamhead..
He told me to wait lor..
Wait for the weeks to pass.
No choice.

After meeting fio and bing,
I headed to the train station.
Took to Raffles as I was looking for a seat to snuggle my butt on.
I was tired.
Sat down at the platform waiting for the train,
while I was sms-ing clamhead,
2 guys approached me.

One of them took his place next to me.
He started to chat me up.
Gosh was I surprised.
Like who does that these days,
or even does it at all.

As they talked,
I listened.
They asked,
I answered.

Finally came the big question:
"Can I have your number, to contact you when I pop by your work place?"
I went...."er..yeah..9...blah blah blah.."

Chatted all the way to Tampines.
When we got off the station,
we bumped into his housemate.
She started talking a whole lot of things as well.
Make up, Eye brow trimming..
(My heart just went..."I'm not that kinda girl...")
The big question came yet again.
She said, "Wait...I'll get you...."
I answered, "Oh, your namecard?"
She answered, "Huh? Namecard...?"
She fished out her PDA.
-___-"
"Can I have your number, I'll contact you about the make up lessons.....?"
Me, "Er..yes..9...blah blah blah.."

After I left them at a junction,
I didn't feel too bad actually..
Somehow they prevented me from hitting rock bottom before I reached home.

I sms-ed clamhead.
His response, "Nice one. Anyhow give people your number."
My jaw dropped.
How stupid was I.
I told him that I simply couldn't refuse...
"That's your one problem. And that's why you have so many problems."

Felt really dumb today.
Fancy me calling clamhead the dumb one all the time..

What's far worse...
was the pain in my heart.
My lips quivered when I spoke of it..
My hands trembled..
My heart...sank.

I felt that we're no longer like before.
I wasn't able to confide in her as I used to.
Things have reached a stage where I feel,
we no longer speak or connect at the same frequency.

Sms-ing across the table when you're with friends is rude,
I understand.
I tried so hard to minimise..
to the extend that I only reply when I'm away from the table en route to the toilet.
Yet,
today,
you didn't do what you've said.
I was sharing my heart out...
I was so insecure...
I needed your assurance...
All I had was your cold shoulder.
You kept your fingers tapping away on the phone.
When you're done,
you shot me with harsh replies that simply cut my heart...
into pieces..

Damn the tears for rolling down right now.
I hate crying.
Yet,
I am now..

Where had the "speaking the truth in love" gone to?
I am of the same stage as before - singlehood.
You have gone onto the process of considering doublehood.
Ideals have changed,
priorities have changed,
perspectives have changed.
You...have changed.

I reminisced the days where we laughed our heads off over silly things.
Where we shared our insecurities.
Where we shared our hearts about the future we wana have.
You have a new addition in your life now.
I'm happy for you.
I wish to be a part of the joy,
and share in your life.
Yet, I no longer hear from you or your heart.
I had to ask in order to know..
You weren't as eager to share as before.

God,
my heart is so painful now.
This pain is far worse than that of being broken by other heart breakers.
I thought she was given by You.
So is she still...?
My heart has grown weary..
I'm beginning to lose faith..

I don't believe that You are taking away what You have given me.
I just wished it's because we're all growing.
Growing in different stages requires more communication,
more grace,
more love.

I would very much wana fall in love,
but not in the way where I'll hurt others.
Maybe they hadn't hurt me.
I just needed to cope with changes.
Changes in people are...really...scary.
I hesistated, thus.

God,
I'm afraid of changes.
Very afraid...
Could You help ease that fear..
I don't know why I fear so much even though You love me so deep..

Hey peeps,
pardon me for my vulnerability.
My heart just needed an avenue to express.
It's heavy on my heart and really hard for me to bear..
I really wonder who truly understands...
but God.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
Psalm 31:9-10

For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30: 5

My memory of how painful I used to feel..
It's coming back..
The pain and all..
How deep it cut..
But God's my Jehovah Rophe.


["Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed."
(Isaiah 53:4-5)

Please note the present tense, "we ARE healed." His work on the cross paid the totally price for our healing once and for all. Do you need Jehovah-Rophe today? For your body? For your soul? For your mind? He is still in the healing business today and He is only a prayer away. Call upon Him!]

Jehovah Rophe.
The Lord Heals.
To you I offer my broken heart..